Needles (*content*)

[violetdarling]

I lie here
dick-length from your perfect warmth
and it stings, knowing what I'll do to you.

The tar-thick scent of decay
already writhes between us

and it's only a matter of time
before my needles fuck through
your beautiful skin
like a thousand
bloated
pricks
desperate to spray your insides
with all my dirt and revulsion.

I press my face hard against
the matted fuzz on your chest
knowing that I need to let you go

I cannot even look at you
without feeling tumorous.

[PaulineG]

I'm a poetry newbie but here is my two-cents. I think it's a good, dark poem.

I lie here
dick-length from your perfect warmth -- dick-length?
and it stings, knowing what I'll do to you. -- i feel like you could find a better word then stings but it does go with the general feel of this poem

The tar-thick scent of decay
already writhes between us

and it's only a matter of time
before my needles fuck through -- i like the choice of the word fuck but i almost want to read "cut" instead. maybe it would flow better?
your beautiful skin
like a thousand
bloated
pricks
desperate to spray your insides
with all my dirt and revulsion. -- i feel like you had me until this line, i feel like its not needed or could be less awkward

I press my face hard against
the matted fuzz on your chest
knowing that I need to let you go

I cannot even look at you
without feeling tumorous. strong ending

[Todd]

Hi Violet,

Some comments for you:

I lie here--I always like uses of "lie" like this because it can always have two meanings
dick-length from your perfect warmth--great line. Normally I wouldn't like perfect, but the context seems to imply what perfect would be
and it stings, knowing what I'll do to you. --I think I'd like to see you do a break after "stings" just to keep that structure you established from line one, and also for the bit of surprise you get from the line break

The tar-thick scent of decay--don't know if you need the strophe break, but either way I'd stick with the line structure break after scent maybe and move "of decay" down to start the already writes between us line
already writhes between us--love the use of writhes here

and it's only a matter of time--the colloquialism is a bit overused and the poem could live with it being cut
before my needles fuck through--If you make the cut above change before with as. Also given the title I think ending the line with needles may be stronger.
your beautiful skin
like a thousand
bloated--bloated should probably go up a line. It detracts from pricks.
pricks
desperate to spray your insides--break on spray
with all my dirt and revulsion.

I press my face hard against--You could cut my face and break on hard.
the matted fuzz on your chest
knowing that I need to let you go

I cannot even look at you
without feeling tumorous.

A lot of comments, maybe more than I normally would do in this forum. That said, mostly structure line break type ones. I like the content.

Best,

Todd

[litterati]

N00b here. Really enjoyed your poem, here is a little feedback, for what it's worth.

I lie here
dick-length from your perfect warmth
and it stings, knowing what I'll do to you. Great line, I like the "it stings" but maybe "knowing what's in store for you" or "what I have in store for you"?

The tar-thick scent of decay
already writhes between us Love this. I always like "aroma" over "scent" but that is just me.

and it's only a matter of time
before my needles fuck through
your beautiful skin
like a thousand
bloated
pricks
desperate to spray your insides
with all my dirt and revulsion. Maybe "with dank dirt"? The "all" feels unnecessary here. Love the feel of it though.

I press my face hard against
the matted fuzz on your chest
knowing that I need to let you go

I cannot even look at you
without feeling tumorous.