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Gonna ask "her" out when I pick her up from the airport this Sunday. With a sonnet. Women love sonnets 
Line 6 is choppy as hell. I need help 
Catch the REO Speedwagon reference.
Catch the Disney references. Women love Disney
Her middle name is Jane.
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http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=12535
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No longer can I wait to bust a move,
to take a chance, a leap of faith, and see
if maybe, just maybe, our destinies
are tied, if Fate would smile and approve.
What started out as friendship can improve,
become a union we could not forsee.
So, milady, I think that you and me
should date and fall into an awesome groove.
So if you're feeling brave it's time to fly
upon a magic carpet all our own,
our spirits such that nothing can contain.
You'll never know if you're afraid to try
and neither of us likes to be alone--
what say you, then? This Tarzan needs his Jane!
Original:
No longer can I wait to bust a move,
to take a chance, a leap of faith, and see
if maybe, just maybe, our destinies
are tied, if Fate would smile and approve.
What started out as friendship can improve
into something too awesome to forsee.
So, milady, I think that you and me
should date (and maybe one day fall in love).
So if you're feeling brave it's time to fly
upon a magic carpet all our own,
our spirits such that nothing can contain.
You'll never know if you're afraid to try
and neither of us likes to be alone--
what say you, then? This Tarzan needs his Jane!
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
(11-09-2013, 07:52 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: Gonna ask "her" out when I pick her up from the airport this Sunday. With a sonnet. Women love sonnets
Line 6 is choppy as hell. I need help
Catch the REO Speedwagon reference.
Catch the Disney references. Women love Disney
Her middle name is Jane.
No longer can I wait to bust a move,
to take a chance, a leap of faith, and see
if maybe, just maybe, our destinies
are tied, if Fate would smile and approve.
What started out as friendship can improve
into something too awesome to forsee. maybe: becoming a union(?) we cannot foresee
So, milady, I think that you and me.
should date (and maybe one day fall in love). I'd cut the "maybe fall in love", too presumptuous
So if you're feeling brave it's time to fly
upon a magic carpet all our own,
our spirits such that nothing can contain.
You'll never know if you're afraid to try
and neither of us likes to be alone--
what say you, then? This Tarzan needs his Jane!
I'm a sonnet idiot, but good luck.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 49
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2013
I remember I wrote a poem, a sonnet if I'm not mistaken, for my lady. She became my wife and I'm fairly certain I had a piece in which i suggested she was a fuzzy as a koala and heart stopping as a moose(up here in Canada, crashing into a moose isn't entirely uncommon and typically fatal). Point being, you'll be judged on the merit of your heart and intentions (which are sweet), rather than on the analytical qualities of your playful sonnet. But, since you posted it up
(11-09-2013, 07:52 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: Gonna ask "her" out when I pick her up from the airport this Sunday. With a sonnet. Women love sonnets
Line 6 is choppy as hell. I need help
Catch the REO Speedwagon reference.
Catch the Disney references. Women love Disney
Her middle name is Jane.
No longer can I wait to bust a move,
to take a chance, a leap of faith, and see
if maybe, just maybe, our destinies
are tied, if Fate would smile and approve.
What started out as friendship can improve -- I dislike the approve and improve being side by side when not the same rhyme scheme. It makes the poem seem too easy.
into something too awesome to forsee.
So, milady, I think that you and me
should date (and maybe one day fall in love). Gasp! Improve and love most certainly do not rhyme, good sir. Also, stating love and asking out should be miles apart in my experience :p
So if you're feeling brave it's time to fly
upon a magic carpet all our own,
our spirits such that nothing can contain.
You'll never know if you're afraid to try
and neither of us likes to be alone--
what say you, then? This Tarzan needs his Jane! Oh dear lord that is fantastic! That is so goofy and innocent, it's a guaranteed critical strike
Like I said, the fact that you made a poem for her and had the courage to give it to her is all that matters, but I hope the mild critique helps with what it can. Good luck sir
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
Posts: 71
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Yeah...the "love" thing was a bit much. But it's the only word I could think of that (kinda) rhymes at the time. I'll work on it this afternoon.
Also, you guys wouldn't say that, for example, "move" and "love" rhyme, even though they have the same ending??
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(11-10-2013, 01:03 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: Yeah...the "love" thing was a bit much. But it's the only word I could think of that (kinda) rhymes at the time. I'll work on it this afternoon.
Also, you guys wouldn't say that, for example, "move" and "love" rhyme, even though they have the same ending??
the technical term for them is "sight rhyme". They were used as true rhymes back in the 16th and 17th century because they used to be true rhymes. Alas, as pronunciations have evolved, love now rhymes with shove and prove with move.
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Nope they don't rhyme, and unfortunately the sounds aren't close.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 1,325
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Joined: Sep 2013
(11-10-2013, 01:03 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: Yeah...the "love" thing was a bit much. But it's the only word I could think of that (kinda) rhymes at the time. I'll work on it this afternoon.
Also, you guys wouldn't say that, for example, "move" and "love" rhyme, even though they have the same ending??
Here we say moov and luv. Accents change things, do they rhyme where you live?.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 71
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Joined: Oct 2013
Nope. I just assumed it "counted" because they looked the same. Will consider in the future
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
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so tell us how it goes
Posts: 71
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Joined: Oct 2013
^ will do.
Just re-wrote the "controversial" line. Can't wait to see her reaction!
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
(11-09-2013, 07:52 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: Gonna ask "her" out when I pick her up from the airport this Sunday. With a sonnet. Women love sonnets
Line 6 is choppy as hell. I need help
Catch the REO Speedwagon reference.
Catch the Disney references. Women love Disney
Her middle name is Jane.
No longer can I wait to bust a move,
to take a chance, a leap of faith, and see
if maybe, just maybe, our destinies
are tied, if Fate would smile and approve.
What started out as friendship can improve
into something too awesome to forsee.
So, milady, I think that you and me
should date (and maybe one day fall in love).
So if you're feeling brave it's time to fly
upon a magic carpet all our own,
our spirits such that nothing can contain.
You'll never know if you're afraid to try
and neither of us likes to be alone--
what say you, then? This Tarzan needs his Jane!
This is horribly cheesy. But if someone were trying to woo me with poetry, the funnier/worse it is, the better his chances. That's just my take anyhow.
Good luck, kiddo.
I'll be there in a minute.
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Joined: Oct 2013
(11-10-2013, 03:35 PM)newsclippings Wrote: This is horribly cheesy. But if someone were trying to woo me with poetry, the funnier/worse it is, the better his chances. That's just my take anyhow.
Good luck, kiddo.
Thanks for the encouraging words
Hopefully the wooing is already sufficient, though lol.
If everything plays out well, you guys are my new best friends :p
-------
I was unsuccessful. The women of the world can rejoice, for I am still single.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
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