Puzzled piece, edit 3

[justcloudy]

edit 3 thanks Chris and rowens

A piece of my mind detangled
from webs of nerves and veins
jumped off like breaded ginger
from my bedtime story brain.

Started hide and seeking
in a zoo of memories
with hippos and the lion's cub;
giggles melded into breeze.

Jumped ship in tiger seas,
canvas sails flapped without flair,
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

Dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept the chase up strong
till shadow recrossed heaven
and settled back where it belonged.


edit 2

A piece of my mind detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
into bedtime stories’ worlds.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.

Jumped ship in tiger seas,
as canvas sails flapped lacking flair,
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

Dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back where it belonged.


_______________________________________________________


edit 1


A part of me detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
like in bedtime stories’ words.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.

It jumped ship in tiger seas,
as canvas sails flapped lacking flair,
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

It dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back where it belonged.



_______________________________________________________

This just spilled out. I'm out of practice. Both feet in.

________


A part of me detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
from my bedtime storybooks.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
wearing neon: Can’t find me!

It jumped ship in tiger seas,
lacking mettle made of steel,
canvas sails flapped drab and empty
and eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

It dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back in dermis coats.

[SirBrendan]

So I've read this poem at least a dozen times. At certain reads I really liked it, and others I didn't. It's a very heavy playful

This just spilled out. I'm out of practice. Both feet in.

________


A part of me detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
from my bedtime storybooks. -- a strong opening stanza.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
wearing neon: Can’t find me! --the reading gets jagged here. It falls into a natural flow when listing the animals, but breaks it abruptly with the line "wearing neon" and the colon. Maybe replace it with "shouting: Can't find me!"

It jumped ship in tiger seas,
lacking mettle made of steel, -- this line doesn't work. Mettle isn't made of steel:p Lacking is negative, and metaphors don't work well in the negative.
canvas sails flapped drab and empty
and eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks -- not sure 'and' is the best conjunction here flow-wise, or if one isw necessary. Consider 'while' or nothing
grinning down from seagulls lairs. } I like these two lines a lot

It dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back in dermis coats. -- love the closing stanza, only I wonder if 'dermis coats' is the best. It sounds nice, but seems out of place with the dreamlike poem you conjured here-- a little too sterile. I think it'd be warmer to go for the simpler, 'back between my skin'

I'm certainly not an expert, so disregard anything you disagree with. I hope this helps

[justcloudy]

Great points, thanks SirBrendan. I struggled with the dermis part too. You may be right there. I'll play with your suggestions.

I'm no expert either. =]

-justcloudy

[justcloudy]

Edit up.
Thoughts?

[Todd]

Hi Cloudy,

A couple comments on the edit:

edit 1


A part of me detangled
from webs of veins and nerves--from a content perspective I'm having a bit of trouble placing the opening lines. I'm not really clear on what type of detangling is going on. It could just be me
jumped off like breaded ginger
like in bedtime stories’ words.--I don't know if I'm fond of the repetition of like, I enjoy the leaping off point into fantasy. Would "into" be a possible substitute for like in?

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.--Enjoyed that.

It jumped ship in tiger seas,--I'm not fan of it here. I love tiger seas, absolutely love it
as canvas sails flapped lacking flair,
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.--all of this is fun and fanciful

It dodged cannonballs and greyhounds--Again the "it"
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back where it belonged.

_____________________________________________________

Overall, really like the piece. I think it's mostly the first two lines that give me a bit of trouble before the transition.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the comments Todd, always helpful.

I love the first two lines but I see what you mean. I tried to compromise; is it better now?

I almost deleted this after I posted it. Glad it's not all that terrible.

-justcloudy

[ellajam]

Hi, cloudy,

Fine edit, it reads beautifully, the bits that caught me before are all smoothed out.

The new first line is a little long, but still reads well. I might prefer the original.

I've been enjoying this one, glad you posted.

[Todd]

I think the edit fixed every issue I had. It's a smooth good read. It has a Neil Gaiman Crazy Hair feel to it.

Enjoyed it.

Todd

[justcloudy]

Big difference from original to edit 2. Shows how much this place helps.
Thanks much SirBrendan and Todd for your thoughts and time, and ellajam for your support. =]

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='justcloudy' pid='146454' dateline='1383782723']
edit 2

A piece of my mind detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
into bedtime stories’ worlds.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.

Jumped ship in tiger seas,
as canvas sails flapped lacking flair,
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

Dodged cannonballs and greyhounds
and kept at the chase so long
its shadow recrossed heaven
to land back where it belonged.

I love this cloudy and it brings me back to childhood! It reminds me of something from Robert Louis Stevenson’s, ‘A Children’s Garden of Verses’. I think you could tune up the meter and fine tune the rhymes some more with minor changes. Here is my attempt:

A piece of my mind detangled
from webs of nerves and veins
jumped off like breaded ginger
onto bedtime story plains.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.

Jumped our vessel in tiger seas,
canvas sails flapped without flair;
eye-patched toddlers ruled the decks
grinning down from seagulls lairs.

Dodged cannonballs and greyhounds,
kept at the chase head strong
its shadow recrossed heaven
to settle where it belonged.

Just some ideas to ponder; see what you think. Delightful!/Chris

[rowens]

A piece of my mind detangled
from webs of veins and nerves
jumped off like breaded ginger
into bedtime stories’ worlds.

Played a game of hide n seek
with my memory’s hidden zoo
of hippos, zebras, lion’s cubs
till they sprouted wings and flew.

Getting the meter and rhymes should be a close second to telling your story, I think. But still a second. There are so many ways to try out, giving the story a nice sound.

A game of hide n seek
within a zoo of memories;
hippos, zebras, lion cubs,


Might be a decent example of moving things around and smoothing out the lines.
You have enough material to work with.

[justcloudy]

Thanks rowens, you too Chris.

I think I'm at a standstill with this one for now. I pretty much like where it's at, though I agree with some of your points, and appreciate all of them. But can't think straight about it anymore, gonna leave it for a while.

=]

-justcloudy

[justcloudy]

Ok I came back to this, as promised.

I think it has taken shape a bit more now, and that I get across the fact that it's a dream a bit better.

Maybe?

-justcloudy