Posts: 23
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
Walk With Me
By Graystar
May 2013
The landscape is my body.
Pain is friend and foe.
Come walk with me.
Toes curled with arthritis,
dull and stabbing pain,
begin the journey with one step.
Ankles, strong and stiff,
bidding pain you come out!
Dancing once was carefree.
Calves what did I ever do to you
that you now ache and burn
with a fire of sun-fury tight?
Knees throb. My friends, ahoy!
How to endure the glory engaged
of pain bound with endless screams.
Low back not forgotten, darling.
You give such stabbing pain,
keep me from standing, don't you?
Shoulder blades your knife is sharp,
buried deep. Someone pull it out!
Set me free, hell drags me about.
Neck crane into pain pinching hard.
You freeze my stiffness hot and tight.
Teeth clinching ride along gasping.
Eyes desert dry, blowing sand stings.
Your value never diminishes I cry!
Weep salty sticky tears coping.
Head-fever ache of blinding pain
joins sinus draining pressure;
more meds to confuse the brain.
My trail ends with a cliff,
hang, tenuous fingers blue.
Pain, you are a bitchy tour guide!
Posts: 71
Threads: 12
Joined: Nov 2013
[quote='Graystar' pid='146184' dateline='1383633334']
Hey grey star,
This is just my opinion of course, but i think you should cut this in half to remove redundancy. Try to simplify it as much as possible to get down to the meat. Be clever by accident, don't force it. Also you wrote (pain is friend and foe) Pain is not a friend anywhere here that i can see. Well, That's my two cent's hope i didn't offend you because the material seems case sensitive.
Cheers,
Chazz
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
Hi graystar.
the intent of the poem is clear, age and its acquisitions can generate some good poetry. the poem at present is very list like and uses few images. the following line is one of them we read it and probably forget the small image it presents. simile and metaphor are your friends in a poem like this.
Toes curled with arthritis,
it could read
thick boned toes, curled like pork crackling
the arthritis is inferred so no need to mention it
then we have
dull and stabbing pain, another line that tells instead of shows.
pain pounds me with a lump hammer
begin the journey with one step. this is cliché, try not to use cliche, it kills poetry.
each bone breaking step a new torment
you could do the same thing to most of the stanza. make each vignette an image
(11-05-2013, 03:35 PM)Graystar Wrote: Walk With Me
By Graystar
May 2013
The landscape is my body.
Pain is friend and foe.
Come walk with me.
Toes curled with arthritis,
dull and stabbing pain,
begin the journey with one step.
Ankles, strong and stiff,
bidding pain you come out!
Dancing once was carefree.
Calves what did I ever do to you
that you now ache and burn
with a fire of sun-fury tight?
Knees throb. My friends, ahoy!
How to endure the glory engaged
of pain bound with endless screams.
Low back not forgotten, darling.
You give such stabbing pain,
keep me from standing, don't you?
Shoulder blades your knife is sharp,
buried deep. Someone pull it out!
Set me free, hell drags me about.
Neck crane into pain pinching hard.
You freeze my stiffness hot and tight.
Teeth clinching ride along gasping.
Eyes desert dry, blowing sand stings.
Your value never diminishes I cry!
Weep salty sticky tears coping.
Head-fever ache of blinding pain
joins sinus draining pressure;
more meds to confuse the brain.
My trail ends with a cliff,
hang, tenuous fingers blue.
Pain, you are a bitchy tour guide!
Posts: 23
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
(11-05-2013, 10:21 PM)Charlesjoseph Wrote: [quote='Graystar' pid='146184' dateline='1383633334']
Hey grey star,
This is just my opinion of course, but i think you should cut this in half to remove redundancy. Try to simplify it as much as possible to get down to the meat. Be clever by accident, don't force it. Also you wrote (pain is friend and foe) Pain is not a friend anywhere here that i can see. Well, That's my two cent's hope i didn't offend you because the material seems case sensitive.
Cheers,
Chazz
Hi Chazz,
Thank you! It is a poem I wrote about my pain. Your comments are very right on. Helped me see with new eyes. Thanks!
Graystar
Hi Billy,
Your suggestions helped me see out of the pain and into the poem.
I needed that!
Thanks!
Graystar
Posts: 8
Threads: 0
Joined: Nov 2013
Hello,
It seemed like you were just describing different parts of the body in pain. From what I've observed anyway, pain can be an interesting subject, but it's being trivialised in your poem. Also, I didn't like the way you used 'bitchy,' it was a crude and unimaginative use of the word. I think, with every kind of 'physical' pain there is an accompanying 'emotional' pain, perhaps you could try venturing into the emotional, whilst using the physical as the platform to do so.
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
It is good that many different parts of the body where discussed through the poem. I wish there was more use of imagery in the poem. That is my only major concern with the piece. The topic provides such a great opportunity for metaphor.
|
