The wind

[Keith]

Edit 1

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
drags old anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
brushing his teeth
in early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
as he thinks of the crew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
still he raises a glass,
to what he gave for the nation.

Original
Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation.

[Keaner222]

Did you write "can" twice on purpose on line 8? Other than that I very much enjoyed it

[bena]

Tobacco spelling. Other than that, very rich descriptive language for wind. Enjoyed it a lot.

[Nick]

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies, Do you need this comma?
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt, And is this comma required?
of his Cancan tattoo, Props for the Cancan reference
spits out Tobacco bits Why the cap on tobacco?
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
a perilous occupation.

A nice bit of work.
Thanks.

[Keith]

Did you write "can" twice on purpose on line 8? Other than that I very much enjoyed it

Thanks for your comment Keaner222, yes I did write it twice I was trying to show an image of a Cancan dancer but wasn't sure how the word was presented, Can Can or Can-Can or Cancan I have settled for the later. Thanks Keith

---

Tobacco spelling. Other than that, very rich descriptive language for wind. Enjoyed it a lot.

Many thanks Bena, there are quite a few mistakes in this one, thanks for pointing out the Tabaco and the kind words. Best Keith

---

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies, Do you need this comma?
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt, And is this comma required?
of his Cancan tattoo, Props for the Cancan reference
spits out Tobacco bits Why the cap on tobacco?
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
a perilous occupation.

A nice bit of work.
Thanks.

Thanks Nick, comma cap crazy, no excuses I should have read it through more thoroughly, a quick edit will fix. Best Keith

[Charlesjoseph]

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
a perilous occupation.

Man i've read this like twenty times i like it alot but i get lost here. Not sure what bothers me about it. maybe because it seems more literal than visual. The rest is well done though.
cheers

[Keith]

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
a perilous occupation.

Man i've read this like twenty times i like it alot but i get lost here. Not sure what bothers me about it. maybe because it seems more literal than visual. The rest is well done though.
cheers

Hi Charlesjoseph, I was trying to link with the poppies and my old Navy sailor, sheltered also has a sea going connotation, I used occupation because of the potential double use, I also wanted to say he's not happy in the later of his life cant even smoke in his this home. Hope this makes sense. My original last line was:-
What he gave for our nation. best keith

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Keith' pid='146161' dateline='1383611127']
[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='146155' dateline='1383609224']
Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
What he gave for our nation.

I Like this better don't shoot.

[ChristopherSea]

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation.

Poignant poetry! For me your poem was a sad and effective commentary for what happens to our military after their service is over. Keith, I like your brevity in poetry. It is rather Haiku-ish and it has become your signature style. My favorite stanza is the tatoo one. It is a grand image! The only line giving me trouble is 'trails anchors into land'. I assume that's the wind, but it could be the sailor. Either way, my head wants to read 'drags' instead of 'trails'. Set me straight!/Chris

[Graystar]

Hi Keith,
I am enjoying the tightness of your poem. Very well done.

The last two lines (either version) struck me as off. The military men I know drink to forget not to remember. I only know about two dozen ex-military which is not much, maybe my observation is incorrect.

Thank you for your poem.
Smiles,
Graystar

[lainey]

Carries its freight, I thought it'd be cool if you had a lower case C, just so people know you're continuing from the title, though it is pretty obvious anyway.
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land. Nice, I really get a sense of the wind's power.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum. Slopping is such a crude verb. I don't know, I'd just like a bit of heroism, a bit of decorum to my sailors .

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew. No!! A silly degrading tattoo and bad manners

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation. The use of 'our' just seems alienating; to me anyway.

[Charlesjoseph]

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember ( Drinks extract Maybee along those lines )
what he gave for our nation. (his Instead of ours)

hey keith,
Here's a few ideas
chazz

[Keith]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='146155' dateline='1383609224']
Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
What he gave for our nation.

I Like this better don't shoot.

I wont shoot I agree and it lends more to the underlying theme that is remembrance. Thanks Keith

---

[quote='Keith' pid='145947' dateline='1383509937']
Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation.

Poignant poetry! For me your poem was a sad and effective commentary for what happens to our military after their service is over. Keith, I like your brevity in poetry. It is rather Haiku-ish and it has become your signature style. My favorite stanza is the tatoo one. It is a grand image! The only line giving me trouble is 'trails anchors into land'. I assume that's the wind, but it could be the sailor. Either way, my head wants to read 'drags' instead of 'trails'. Set me straight!/Chris

Thanks Chris, I can go with drags as it is about wind devastation and baggage. Its in the edit thanks Keith

---

Hi Keith,
I am enjoying the tightness of your poem. Very well done.

The last two lines (either version) struck me as off. The military men I know drink to forget not to remember. I only know about two dozen ex-military which is not much, maybe my observation is incorrect.

Thank you for your poem.
Smiles,
Graystar

Thanks for commenting Graystar, I would tend to agree but this is linked to remembrance sunday so hence raise a glace to remember. Thanks Keith

---

Hi Keith,
I am enjoying the tightness of your poem. Very well done.

The last two lines (either version) struck me as off. The military men I know drink to forget not to remember. I only know about two dozen ex-military which is not much, maybe my observation is incorrect.

Thank you for your poem.
Smiles,
Graystar

Thanks for commenting Graystar, I would tend to agree but this is linked to remembrance sunday so hence raise a glace to remember. Thanks Keith

---

Carries its freight, I thought it'd be cool if you had a lower case C, just so people know you're continuing from the title, though it is pretty obvious anyway.
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land. Nice, I really get a sense of the wind's power.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum. Slopping is such a crude verb. I don't know, I'd just like a bit of heroism, a bit of decorum to my sailors .

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew. No!! A silly degrading tattoo and bad manners

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember
what he gave for our nation. The use of 'our' just seems alienating; to me anyway.

Hi lainey Thank you for your considered feedback, I agree we don't wont our sailor old and infirm, it just wont do, I'll give him back some street cred. slop was chosen for the pop in poppies. Sorry no can do on the tattoo this one is true and so it stays, my uncle frank would have it no other way I had another choice from his other arm, Betty Boo. Bad Manners did release a song called Can-Can I assume this is your reference rather than implying my uncles tattoo's were degrading and ill mannered In the edit I have also made the last line more accessible. Many thanks Keith

---

Carries its freight,
rattle and clang,
trails anchors into land.

Sea storms and poppies
greet an old sailor,
slopping early rise rum.

Flutters the skirt
of his Cancan tattoo,
spits out tobacco bits
rolled for his first brew.

Smoke blows complaints
in sheltered accommodation,
drinks to remember ( Drinks extract Maybee along those lines )
what he gave for our nation. (his Instead of ours)

hey keith,
Here's a few ideas
chazz

Thanks Chazz I'm happy with the edit so far but thanks for the ideas. Keith