Tiny Green Dots

[Orion]

Although
Certainly
The tiny green dots fill the meadow,
As deer and the squirrels,
Crowd around the little hole.
I stare confused.

And I come a little closer.
Expecting them to be drinking the cool water.
I stare awe struck,
With a small little grin on my face.
Granted that
Surely

To explain
To enumerate
I come a little closer,
And they all run away.
Some how,
Scared of my intentions.



'Sorry', I whisper,
Ruining the gentle, peaceful moment.
Suddenly the green dots are like wisps,
And I realize the meadow is gone.
As a result
Accordingly

--
I myself though it was very sloppy. I tried to use transitional words, but I think I failed. I also think I failed on making a dark, but happy poem.

[tectak]

Although
Certainly
The tiny green dots fill the meadow,
As deer and the squirrels,
Crowd around the little hole.
I stare confused.

And I come a little closer.
Expecting them to be drinking the cool water.
I stare awe struck,
With a small little grin on my face.
Granted that
Surely

To explain
To enumerate
I come a little closer,
And they all run away.
Some how,
Scared of my intentions.



'Sorry', I whisper,
Ruining the gentle, peaceful moment.
Suddenly the green dots are like wisps,
And I realize the meadow is gone.
As a result
Accordingly

--
I myself though it was very sloppy. I tried to use transitional words, but I think I failed. I also think I failed on making a dark, but happy poem.

If you think it failed then rewrite it until you think it succeeds otherwise the crits will just agree with you. Yes...it failed....happy now?
Far too many small, little, tiny things.
Best,
tectak

[PaulineG]

I think it shows alot of promise- I guess I'm not sure on how to begin- there are parts that are simply disconnected.

[Stephanie]

I was drawn by the title, something about that conjured up images for me. It does seem quite bitty to me which may be deliberate. I don't know enough about (ie anything!) how metre works to know but from my inexperienced point of view it made it a bit hard to read. The two lines i like are the tiny green dots and then the one about the wisps. Everything else felt a bit like factual narration with lots of telling rather than giving us images to experience.