The Lights Went Out (edit #1)
#1
Edit 2

The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

Life was different.
People broke down like used cars.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.

The past holds no relevance.
The future holds no realism.
When I look up at the sky,
I don't see our stars.


--------
Edit 1
The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down like cars.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars.

Life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

The past holds no relevance.
The future holds no realism.
--------

(original)
The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars.

Obviously life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism.
Yesterday is a dream,
while tomorrow is a nightmare.
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#2
(11-06-2013, 03:18 AM)Viktor Vaughn Wrote:  The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down like cars.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars.

Life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

The past holds no relevance.
The future holds no realism.


---------
I want to do something better with the 'people broke down like cars' line. Can't quite figure out why it doesn't sit right. And the last two lines I feel aren't as strong as they could be. I also want to change the title, but I'm not too sure to what.
--------

(original)
The lights went out.
No one ever told us why;
no official explanation on the television.
Radios became a hollow shell of hope
Devastating our mental barricades.

People broke down.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
I looked to the sky,
and I didn't see our stars.

Obviously life was different.
Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art slums.

The past holds no relevance,
the future holds no realism.
Yesterday is a dream,
while tomorrow is a nightmare.

Viktor, I like this a lot! It might be cool to use the first line as the title instead of the spoiler that this is about a Post-Utopian society. The cars works fine with 'used' in front of them. There are some minor punctuation changes you could make and some alternate line breaks could really emphasize some aspects herein, as well as offer some alternative meaning. You may also want to play with line placement. For example, ‘Life was different’ preceded architectural descriptions verses life of the people. Another thing is the close. Although, they are strong lines, they are somewhat cliché. The lack of stars is the strongest line to close with. It suggests, no dreams, no wishes, no exploration, etc. Below are some of these ideas put into practice. See what you think:

The lights went out;
no one ever told us why.
No official explanation
on the television.
Radios became a hollow
shell of hope,
devastating our mental barricades.

Cement skeletons with glass for skin
was a new skyline, as we looked on
in our state of the art
slums.

People broke down
like used cars.
Moral codes became subjective
as our world was held captive.
Life was different.

The past holds no relevance;
the future holds no realism.
If I look to the sky,
I don't see our stars.


Some food for thought. Nice work!/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#3
Thanks for the critique mate! I do like the way you restructured it, having it end with the stars line. I think that's kind of what I was looking for as well when I was writing it.

About the line breaking, I always have a problem with that Tongue I never really read much poetry (and I still don't too much). I prefer to listen to it, so when I write it I always speak it out loud, so I tend to write it how i would say it. So I don't know too much about line breaking, but I'll definitely experiment with it.

Cheers!
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#4
I like this Viktor. It's a bit disturbing, which it good, and a bit surprising too. Found myself sitting up and paying attention from the first line.

I agree with ChristopherSea's comments, and echo the one about the last 2 lines. Give us something to see at the end, not something to nod to.

Looking forward to reading more from you.

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#5
Some minor edits, let me know how it reads now! Smile
Thanks for the comments so far
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#6
The edit is an improvement, nicely done. Title is better too.

"Life was different" --> when? Before the apocalypse? At its beginning? It's unclear, and that's the only bit that bothers me.

Thumbs up.

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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