the dark ocean that is my mind

[minear]

Mind you I have Never written a poem, but I am good with words and am very creative. this is only about half finished but I was looking for some critique. I love hip hop (not busted rap but the art of hip hop).
I have found they roll off my mind very easily, so I wrote one down in about 10 minutes but it comes from me. be gentle here goes...


the dark ocean that is my mind


Every night I lay alone with this darkness that is my mind
I fight and i struggle with this ocean and its tides
No matter How I swim I always seem to sink
to the bottom of this ocean where I cant even think
Its so dark down here and so heavy on my chest
I am always shedding tears even though I give my best

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hide
from this world from this life from myself and this discord
You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind
it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grind

you will lose your breath under the pressure of the black
its slows your flow it speeds your death there is no coming back
exchange these thoughts with myself and put my life on a shelf
I get so sad sometimes all days identical, this life sometimes is just so radical

[Malu]

Mind you I have Never written a poem, but I am good with words and am very creative. this is only about half finished but I was looking for some critique. I love hip hop (not busted rap but the art of hip hop).
I have found they roll off my mind very easily, so I wrote one down in about 10 minutes but it comes from me. be gentle here goes...


the dark ocean that is my mind


Every night I lay alone with this darkness that is my mind So you aren't really alone, are you?
I fight and i struggle with this ocean and its tides So the first "I" of this line is capitalized but not the second, interesting.
No matter How I swim I always seem to sink Any reason on the capitalization of "How" when it's the third word in this line.
to the bottom of this ocean where I cant even think Can't
Its so dark down here and so heavy on my chest
I am always shedding tears even though I give my best

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hide Reads a bit weird
from this world from this life from myself and this discord
You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind Can't
it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grind Off track, as in a new direction, followed by being put to a halt. I'm curious what that means.

you will lose your breath under the pressure of the black
its slows your flow it speeds your death there is no coming back It* slows not "its slows" and I think a comma can go after "flow"
exchange these thoughts with myself and put my life on a shelf I wonder if you have a good shelf-life
I get so sad sometimes all days identical, this life sometimes is just so radical "I get so sad sometimes all days identical" reads weird. Also if every day is identical then how is it radical? Radical especially means change of action. Even if that wasn't the case, it wouldn't be radical after a month of everyday being the same.

There were a few grammar and capitalization errors, really simple ones. That kind of hints at this being rushed. You started off with decent imagery but finished with hardly any.

[viviencherylin]

Hi minear,

I agree with almost everything that Malu posted, but wanted to point out a couple of things in particular:

1) Firstly, and most importantly, pay closer attention to your punctuation and grammar. Make sure that you are consistent with your capitalisation (or lack thereof if you so choose), or that at least every word that you choose to capitalise has a particular purpose and adds to the poem in some way.

2) Your second stanza needs some adjustment:

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hide (1) check your spelling of disappear (2) It might be beneficial if you start with the same refrain in your first line, "Inside this darkness that is my mind" instead of "Inside this darkness is my mind" - not sure if that's what you're going for (3) I think it's specifically the word "spot" that seems a bit weird, trying replacing it or the entire fragment with something else

from this world from this life from myself and this discord Commas might add to the fluidity of the poem: "from this world, from this life, from myself and this discord"

You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind Again, try adding commas where you naturally break

it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grind

3) Paying closer attention to the use of commas overall in the piece will greatly add to its coherence.

Overall, these are generally good ideas - all you need to do is pay closer attention to the editing process and you'll improve immensely!

Good luck (and apologies for the somewhat wacky formatting of this post)!

[tectak]

Mind you I have Never written a poem, but I am good with words and am very creative. this is only about half finished but I was looking for some critique. I love hip hop (not busted rap but the art of hip hop).
I have found they roll off my mind very easily, so I wrote one down in about 10 minutes but it comes from me. be gentle here goes...


the dark ocean that is my mind


Every night I lay alone with this darkness that is my mindyou need to examine your wordplay. "lying alone with" is nonsense but it is not a serious error in that the meaning is not lost.Of greater concern is the disconnect so early in the piece. Mixing metaphors is an easy trap to fall in to...see what I mean? You have a "darkness" strongly metaphorically described, which you then re-identify as an ocean with all the oceanic attributes you can muster. As you are more convinced that the "ocean" is the way to go, lose the first line reference to darkness.

Every night I lie alone, adrift upon cerebral seas.
I fight the certain drowning death
but drawn down in to darkening depths,
I struggle, fight , to draw my breath
until the weight upon my chest
squeezes from me salted tears;
I cannot think, I dare not try.

.....or something. Your poem.
I fight and i struggle with this ocean and its tides
No matter How I swim I always seem to sink
to the bottom of this ocean where I cant even thinkcannot or can't but not cant....that is a fish of a different flavour. You are good with words so you look it up
Its so dark down here and so heavy on my chest it's
I am always shedding tears even though I give my best

Inside this darkness is my mind, its that spot I disapear and hideAgain you show a complete lack of competence with words...this in spite of your opening claim. That will haunt you it's... please. "that spot" is telling! Disappear. Spelling. Disappear AND hide? To what end? Why hide something that has disappeared? Or more significantly, how DO you hide something which is not there?Tautology. You are supposed to be in charge of the words, not the other way round
from this world from this life from myself and this discordLook, you may well be demonstrating a character...a teenager, in which case this is stereotypical cliched angst, well portrayed. If not, it is so cliched as to be unworthy of someone of your abilities...self proclaimed.
You cant escape from this black, it fucks you up wrecks your mind cannot or can't
it smacks your life off track and puts a halt to your grindGratuitous fuck to little effect and a hideously forced rhyme. If you cannnot rhyme with "mind" change your mind. You are the master...not the rhyme. I know you will say you just wrote this off the top of your head and it just flowed out of you and the words just came and...and...well, it shows. Take some time to polish your piece (billy....stop that!). Correct stupid mistakes before others have to. There is no excuse for bad speleinng. Try to avoid duplicated words by reading what you have written OUT LOUD. You use ocean three times in the first of your ten minute jotting...and only just avoid another two instances by the skillfully substituted sea. This is what happens when you just "let things flow". If your vocabularly is limited you will duplicate words....but with a little applied thought you will be amazed by how much you actually can pull out of the scrabble bag.
Overall, you know the problem. You do yourself a disservice by posting without perfecting. The rest of this is much of a muchness

you will lose your breath under the pressure of the black
its slows your flow it speeds your death there is no coming back
exchange these thoughts with myself and put my life on a shelf
I get so sad sometimes all days identical, this life sometimes is just so radicalUtter rubbish. If you do not know what a word means....look it up. Identical and radical....sheeessh! Oh....and do give punctuation a try. You will be staggered by how much its use increases your creativity
Best,
tectak
Do not stop writing poetry. It can only get better.

[ThePinsir]

Did you exclude punctuation on purpose? I think decent punctuation will make the whole work read a bit better.

[tectak]

Did you exclude punctuation on purpose? I think decent punctuation will make the whole work read a bit better.

Though your comment is valid it is not valid as critique. Perhaps you could help the author to improve by suggesting where and how to punctuate.
/mod

[ehabuncensored]

Poetry is a weird thing it deservez no critque it deserves no perfection or editing. This is a perfect poem because it is a emotion I picture this person in this place I picture feelinv these things I pictured that u painted with words. N I realize I'm just lookin at a screen. This is a percect poem. For real

[Todd]

Poetry is a weird thing it deservez no critque it deserves no perfection or editing. This is a perfect poem because it is a emotion I picture this person in this place I picture feelinv these things I pictured that u painted with words. N I realize I'm just lookin at a screen. This is a percect poem. For real

This view is ill-informed, and has no place in a workshop. Philosophically, you will not be happy here. /admin

[MpoemsR]

This poem may be good in the eyes of some viewers, however it seems to lack more subtlety in metaphors etc. I suggest that you keep working and do what makes you happy, but please induce more subtlety in your poems - a poem doesn't have to be direct in meaning.