Atlas Shrugged (Edit #1)

[Viktor Vaughn]

First poem I've written in ages. I'm not too happy with certain parts of it, wondering what you all think.
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Thinking of renaming it to "Vultures" so that there isn't the Ayn Rand confusion and automatic bias. Thoughts?

I also changed a lot of the last half of them poem (which was inarguably the weakest half). How does it work? I think the ending is still a bit weak, just don't really know what to do instead. I'm rubbish with endings.

If there's lines that don't make sense, ask me about it, and I'll explain it.
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Edit #1:

This isn't an epiphany, soliloquy or hyperbole.
And it's not an autobiography.
It's hypocrisy.

Disclaimer; I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be.

Youtube was running slow, or maybe it was my internet.
While my video buffered, I wondered,
When was the last time I told my mother I loved her?

That got me thinking about my priorities.
I'm running a marathon trying to catch up with pop-culture,
which seems so vulgar like a vulture.
I spend so much time following that Twitter feed
and watching the latest TV series,
I've forgotten about all my responsibilities.

It's not our fault, because it's a part of us,
the same way Atlas' father is Iapetus.
Atlas fought for his freedom and was punished for it,
thrown out and treated like rubbish.
And that's why I publish this.

It's a rallying cry; a voice for the Titans.
Atlas, come down from that height and,
let the sky fall, prepare for the brawl.
And men, let's work out our priorities.



Original:

This isn't an epiphany, soliloquy or hyperbole.
And it's not an autobiography.
It's more like hypocrisy.

Disclaimer, I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be.

Youtube was running slow, or maybe it was my internet.
But while my video buffered, I wondered,
"When was the last time I told my mother I loved her?"

And that got me thinking about my priorities.
I spend so much effort staying up to date on pop-culture
which seems so vulgar like a vulture compared to purities.
I spend so much time following that Twitter feed
and watching the latest TV series,
I forget about my priorities.

Sometimes our priorities pile so high
that with the weight on our backs
you might as well call us Atlas
but it's not to say anything is impossible.

Even Atlas shrugged.

So shrug off that weight and piece together the fragments of your life and focus on what's important.

The next time your favourite video stutters and buffers,
think about the last time you told your mother you loved her.

[Shoug]

This is fucking amazing. You effortlessly weave in spades and spades of internal and external rhyme while maintaining super simple language. Great!

[Todd]

Hi Viktor,

Let me give you some thoughts on this.

It had a pleasing cadence, and sounded good read out loud.

First poem I've written in ages. I'm not too happy with certain parts of it, wondering what you all think.
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This isn't an epiphany, soliloquy or hyperbole.
And it's not an autobiography.
It's more like hypocrisy.

Disclaimer, I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be.

Youtube was running slow, or maybe it was my internet.
But while my video buffered, I wondered,
"When was the last time I told my mother I loved her?" --I wonder if this would be better in italics than with the quote

And that got me thinking about my priorities.
I spend so much effort staying up to date on pop-culture--up to date is a bit cliched maybe just current
which seems so vulgar like a vulture compared to purities.--I think purities doesn't work here. I know your trying to rhyme it with priorities but the image needs something better than this choice
I spend so much time following that Twitter feed
and watching the latest TV series,
I forget about my priorities.--something better here the repetition with your first strophe line feels a bit stale

Sometimes our priorities pile so high--Can I get a synonym for priorities? I mostly need a way that you can get to the next line.
that with the weight on our backs
you might as well call us Atlas
but it's not to say anything is impossible.

Even Atlas shrugged. --Here's the biggest flaw in the piece. Normally this is exactly where you put your conclusion, and it would work perfectly except for one thing. The Ayn Rand book title makes this less surprising and original through no fault of yours. I simply think you need something else even if you continue to use Atlas

So shrug off that weight and piece together the fragments of your life and focus on what's important.

The next time your favourite video stutters and buffers,
think about the last time you told your mother you loved her.--I think you come up with something to redeem the Atlas shrugged lines you should kill these last four lines of wrap up. They actually hurt you.

I think if you can get around that one issue you can make this work.

I hope some of that helped.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

This is fucking amazing. You effortlessly weave in spades and spades of internal and external rhyme while maintaining super simple language. Great!

This will never do as critique. Try harder/ admin

[billy]

i think it's a good effort. the main problem for me are the small words that add nothing except length. at first i thought it would be an ayn rand tribute. thankfully i didn't seem to be
the opening stanza worked well for me in setting up the poem, it felt like i was going to get something worthwhile.

thanks for the read.

First poem I've written in ages. I'm not too happy with certain parts of it, wondering what you all think.
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This isn't an epiphany, soliloquy or hyperbole.
And it's not an autobiography.
It's more like hypocrisy. no need for [more like]

Disclaimer, I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. would a ; do a better job that a ,

Youtube was running slow, or maybe it was my internet.
But while my video buffered, I wondered, no need for [but]
"When was the last time I told my mother I loved her?"

And that got me thinking about my priorities. no need for [and]
I spend so much effort staying up to date on pop-culture
which seems so vulgar like a vulture compared to purities. vulgar, no need for so
I spend so much time following that Twitter feed
and watching the latest TV series,
I forget about my priorities. something else instead of priorities that means the same thing perhaps?

Sometimes our priorities pile so high no need for [our]
that with the weight on our backs
you might as well call us Atlas you had me till this line. can it worded as a fact, a suggestion would be [we become atlas]
but it's not to say anything is impossible.

Even Atlas shrugged. this line feels forced and weakens the title.

So shrug off that weight and piece together the fragments of your life no need for [so],use a comma .after weight, remove [and]is this needed as it feels really preachy and non poetry.

The next time your favourite video stutters and buffers, a suggestion [when a favourite video stutters and buffers]
think about the last time you told your mother you loved her.

[Viktor Vaughn]

Cheers for the critiques mates, I'm hoping to edit it with your suggestions and some thoughts of my own. Coincidentally enough, most of the suggestions were thoughts I had of my own, but unable to shape.

[billy]

sometimes you get no feedback for ages then it comes in threes like buses. see if anyone else has anything to say first.
it'll give you a chance to really think things over :J:

[Viktor Vaughn]

Alright, I've added in the first edit. Let me know how to make it even better!

[billy]

if a line needs an explanation to the majority, it's probably to ambiguous or relevant to no one but the poet (i think)

it's great to see you editing with such willingness. in general it's a good edit. there's still room for another 1 or 2 but it's getting there
keep it as tight as you can re the and words etc.
other than that, well done.

If there's lines that don't make sense, ask me about it, and I'll explain it.
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Edit #1:

This isn't an epiphany, soliloquy or hyperbole.
And it's not an autobiography.
It's hypocrisy. more positive in it's deliverance.

Disclaimer; I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. i wonder if it adds anything. it does voice the question, who said/thinks you are perfect?

Youtube was running slow, or maybe it was my internet.
While my video buffered, I wondered,
When was the last time I told my mother I loved her? it's not a difference sticking it in italics but it separates the thought well

That got me thinking about my priorities.
I'm running a marathon trying to catch up with pop-culture, much better from this reader's perspective,
which seems so vulgar like a vulture. i struggle a bit with this line but i can't say why
I spend so much time following that Twitter feed
and watching the latest TV series,
I've forgotten about all my responsibilities. no need for all

It's not our fault, because it's a part of us,
the same way Atlas' father is Iapetus.
Atlas fought for his freedom and was punished for it,
thrown out and treated like rubbish. this is a great importunity for an image/simile/metaphor
And that's why I publish this. i think this stanza is a bit wordy

It's a rallying cry; a voice for the Titans.
Atlas, come down from that height and, no need for and
let the sky fall, prepare for the brawl.
And men, let's work out our priorities.

[SirBrendan]

First off, it's a solid poem for me so any critique should be taken from the perspective that I liked it enough to comment out of enjoyment, rather than seething rage:p

The big issue is, like Billy, I immediately thought of Ayn Rand. The image of Atlas shrugging and allowing the weight of the world to crash has been so thoroughly attached to one of the single most popular novel/wannabe treatise ever constructed has caused the poem to suffer because I spent half the time trying to find some reference to why you hate poor people.

It's a wonderful image, but I think it's been compromised by a highly controversial and incendiary piece of N/American culture.

I really enjoy the tone though, the sort-of racing thought run-of-the-mill shame we all experience pretty much 90% of the day when we aren't distracted.

Vulgar like a vulture doesn't work for me. The rest of the poem breathes very honest and deliberately simple, so alliteration, a literary tool, seems out of place (nine times out of ten alliteration doesn't work for me in poetry, to be fair).I would suggest you just totally revise the line

Another line you could alter is "let the sky fall, prepare for the brawl."

It almost seems too easy, but again, I think the main agitation here is it reminds me of that John Galt poop/ Ron Paul's porntube account.

Maybe I brought too much of myself into this one, but unfortunately the main metaphor invites that.

Point is, I like your poem and really don't like Atlas Shrugged:p

[Todd]

Viktor, the edit is much better. Your instincts are right though you need a title change for a couple reasons. Even if Ayn Rand didn't exist, the Atlas stuff feels weirdly bolted on next to things like YouTube. I think if anything it belongs in a different poem. The allusion doesn't support your content as well as it needs to.

Vultures would be a better working title, so I would agree with that change.

The edit is a step forward though.

Best,

Todd