A Little Coma ( …of my own)Edit 1. chris,emily, emma

[tectak]

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
A week, a month...who knows.

What will happen? Is there a plan? I ask because my time is still.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask, "Why is it that he sleeps so long?"
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me? Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, loving eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013

Original
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows.

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013

[ChristopherSea]

This is certainly an intriguing monologue of a patient welcoming a coma, along with potential queries for the little guy. Your narrator is consistantly at a loss of proper phrasing and train of thought with all of the ellipsis going on! This poem could serve as a metaphor for one greeting their future, fate or death as well. The odd part about it is the calm voice of the narrator. My comments follow:

A Little Coma ( …of my own) *How about, ‘A Little Coma Comes to Dinner’ for a title?*
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago, *period here*
Ago, a month...who knows. *put something before that ago, ie ‘Year ago, a month…'*

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long. *...'ask, why…so long?' would be my punctuation*
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides. *comma after ‘head,’*
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn. *comma after night,*
Dawn on, on me…I wake. *perhaps the most poetic stanza!*

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me. *a rather touching moment!Where's the shed-a-tear-emoticon!*

I'll have to read it again to offer much more. Cheers/Chris

[EmilyJune519]

I don't think you need to state "of my own" in your title

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. Although I like the repetition of the ending lines, I think you need something before "Ago" on this line, "A month ago, year ago" maybe?

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.If you're in a coma, are you really talking? How about "my dreaming" or something similar? "My silent imagination"?

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell. I like the line break "so long" with the next line starting at "so long, goodbye."

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. I think this is your weakest stanza. It seems like it's maybe trying a little too hard to be existential.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.This is the strongest stanza, although I don't like the repetition of "on me"... I think the stanza is strong enough on its own without that.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.I like the way you come full circle here, but try a different word besides "beautiful"... it's very cliche.
[/b]
Tectak
2013

[ellajam]

Hi, I have just a few notes for your poem.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. I enjoyed the repeats except this one, I can't figure out any hope for ago.

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. love this part, the confusion rings true, I've seen it in severe illness

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.not a fan of alabaster
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013

[tectak]

Hi, I have just a few notes for your poem.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. I enjoyed the repeats except this one, I can't figure out any hope for ago.

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. love this part, the confusion rings true, I've seen it in severe illness

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.not a fan of alabaster
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013[

Hi ella,
Thanks for this. There is something wrong with the "ago". It was fine when I wrote it but it has not travelled well. I will fix it. The alabaster dawn is the light seen through closed eye-lids once the unconscious eye-ball swivel down as consciousness returns. That is all.
Many thanks
Best,
tectak

---

I don't think you need to state "of my own" in your title

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows. Although I like the repetition of the ending lines, I think you need something before "Ago" on this line, "A month ago, year ago" maybe?

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.If you're in a coma, are you really talking? How about "my dreaming" or something similar? "My silent imagination"?

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell. I like the line break "so long" with the next line starting at "so long, goodbye."

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am. I think this is your weakest stanza. It seems like it's maybe trying a little too hard to be existential.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.This is the strongest stanza, although I don't like the repetition of "on me"... I think the stanza is strong enough on its own without that.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.I like the way you come full circle here, but try a different word besides "beautiful"... it's very cliche.
[/b]
Tectak
2013

Hi emily.
Much of what you noted does indeed need work. See my reply to ellajam.
The beautiful word is cliche and I cannot defend its use in a discussion on poetry BUT I chose the word for its easy familiarity, hoping that coma sufferer would feasibly use the word. Perhaps not. An edit credit to you....but I didn't repeat "on me"
Best
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Right, acknowledge the ladies only...

[tectak]

This is certainly an intriguing monologue of a patient welcoming a coma, along with potential queries for the little guy. Your narrator is consistantly at a loss of proper phrasing and train of thought with all of the ellipsis going on! This poem could serve as a metaphor for one greeting their future, fate or death as well. The odd part about it is the calm voice of the narrator. My comments follow:

A Little Coma ( …of my own) *How about, ‘A Little Coma Comes to Dinner’ for a title?*
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago, *period here*
Ago, a month...who knows. *put something before that ago, ie ‘Year ago, a month…'*

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long. *...'ask, why…so long?' would be my punctuation*
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides. *comma after ‘head,’*
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn. *comma after night,*
Dawn on, on me…I wake. *perhaps the most poetic stanza!*

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me. *a rather touching moment!Where's the shed-a-tear-emoticon!*

I'll have to read it again to offer much more. Cheers/Chris

oooooooooooo! you touchy bitch,you
seriously chris...thank you, too. your grammar points are noted but I thought you were going to come back for a second stab to my heart!
I don't agree with all of your comma ssuggestions...but that is just my way of confirming that I have looked at them.
Best,
Tectak

[ChristopherSea]

This is certainly an intriguing monologue of a patient welcoming a coma, along with potential queries for the little guy. Your narrator is consistantly at a loss of proper phrasing and train of thought with all of the ellipsis going on! This poem could serve as a metaphor for one greeting their future, fate or death as well. The odd part about it is the calm voice of the narrator. My comments follow:

A Little Coma ( …of my own) *How about, ‘A Little Coma Comes to Dinner’ for a title?*
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago, *period here*
Ago, a month...who knows. *put something before that ago, ie ‘Year ago, a month…'*

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long. *...'ask, why…so long?' would be my punctuation*
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides. *comma after ‘head,’*
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn. *comma after night,*
Dawn on, on me…I wake. *perhaps the most poetic stanza!*

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me. *a rather touching moment!Where's the shed-a-tear-emoticon!*

I'll have to read it again to offer much more. Cheers/Chris

oooooooooooo! you touchy bitch,you
seriously chris...thank you, too. your grammar points are noted but I thought you were going to come back for a second stab to my heart!
I don't agree with all of your comma ssuggestions...but that is just my way of confirming that I have looked at them.
Best,
Tectak

Yes, I am quick with a coma, I mean comma! I don't have anything new for you this morn.

[EmilyJune519]

Extra comments at bottom

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
A week, a month...who knows.

What will happen? Is there a plan? I ask because my time is still.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask, "Why is it that he sleeps so long?"
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away, don't know that you need to state "while you're still here" and "before you go away"... they both basically state the same thing: you want to ask something before they're gone.
if you are me? Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn."From out of a warm and breathless night..."? I don't know if it's a typo or if you purposely left out that character, but I think it's necessary
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, loving eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.Love the way the first line in this stanza ties back to the first.

Tectak
2013

Original
I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry it’s so dark in here. I closed my eyes some time ago,
Ago, a month...who knows.

What will happen? Have you a plan? I rather hoped you might.
Funny though, my talking seems to make the moments pass away.
Pass on, pass by…pass over.

It’s not that no one talks to me, I hear them call my name;
I listen to the voices ask why is it that he sleeps so long.
So long, goodbye…farewell.

I need to ask, while you’re still here, before you go away,
if you are me. Does that sound odd? And if you are, then who am I?
Am I, was I...I am.

Inside my head I start to lose the freedom that this cave provides.
From out of warm and breathless night I watch an alabaster dawn.
Dawn on, on me…I wake.

I’m glad you came. I knew you would. I’ve dreamt of you so long.
Familiar face, beautiful eyes, but why the tears? I’m back with you.
With you, with you…and me.

Tectak
2013

The edits are working much better for your poem. Your ending lines in each stanza are stronger, and I really enjoyed the first and last stanza. Great job!