Psychic Vamparism *explicit language*

[Gritdog]

The maggots raised inside the flesh
looking for a soul thats fresh
push and shove but don't regret
steer too clear of the bullshit
the teeth inserted in the wound
the children sleeping in their tomb
arousal lays within the womb
a poison that has long been brewed
grab our feelings
prevent healing
keep on taking keep on stealing
drag me under
bathed in thunder
kill the ones who dare to wonder
still were on the brink of losing
feel the hate and evil moving
all the theories that need proving
all the usefulness is oozing
take and take but never give
prevent our willingness to live
leeching on the fruitful blood
giving in to dirt and mud
after all
nothing at all
is left, within the parasites fall
take away
our yesterday
and make the visions go away.

[rowens]

Seems to me to be a lot of bad phrasing and forced rhymes. Maybe a few typos.

[tectak]

The maggots raised inside the flesh
looking for a soul thats fresh
push and shove but don't regret
steer too clear of the bullshit
the teeth inserted in the wound
the children sleeping in their tomb
arousal lays within the womb
a poison that has long been brewed
grab our feelings
prevent healing
keep on taking keep on stealing
drag me under
bathed in thunder
kill the ones who dare to wonder
still were on the brink of losing
feel the hate and evil moving
all the theories that need proving
all the usefulness is oozing
take and take but never give
prevent our willingness to live
leeching on the fruitful blood
giving in to dirt and mud
after all
nothing at all
is left, within the parasites fall
take away
our yesterday
and make the visions go away.

Hi grit,
As this is early days I think we need to get a few things clear....in fact, that would be really good.
Look, you have posted this piece of yours on to a site which is quintessentially to help posters improve their poetry. The site hopes to achieve this, and indeed has had a considerable degree of success in the endeavour, by encouraging posters to help others by meaningful critique. This simple formula works...but not without SOME measure of understanding by the poets and the crits. I find myself utterly unable to give this piece the kind of critique which I believe you would benefit from...why? Well, to be absolutely honest it is completely without any merit. Surely you can see that? There is NO punctuation and endless syntactical errors....so many that one is left wondering if you read this through at all. And where is the explicit language? if you mean a gratuitous fuck, inserted for effect, the why not just string fucks together and reap the benefits? There is no meter, no competent rhyme, flow or constructive use of metaphor, simile or imagery. ( Unless you consider the subject itself imagined, which it is, but you COMPOUND the dire effort with the title...VAMPARISM????)
I am sorry to say that you have simply listed as many gruesome words as your lexicon possesses without any attempt to produce either a core theme or a central metaphor. IF you know what this is supposed to transmit to the reader, do have the courtesy to include at least SOME thought through poetic devices....this IS a poetry site, after all.
Rewrite it, check it thoroughly, make it the very best you can...better still, choose another subject. This one has been done to death by pre-pubescents after reading one vampire story too many...that is, ONE.
Best,
tectak