Rest In Peace Uncle

[Gritdog]

I see it all around me
its everywhere i go
the pain you left me with
the suffering that i show
theres just one thing to blame
for the absence in my heart
the life you left behind
still haunts and tears apart
these words were forced to leave
before i could even speak
endlessly cut short
force my hope to sink
holding on your hand
i feel it drag me down
i try to cry for help
but can not make a sound
i fall into this trench
impossible to rise
i suffer and i cry
too long into the night
you were my life and breath
my birth and now my death
theres no way to pretend
this is my largest test
i was to fail right from the start
still broken in my mind
i'll keep you in my heart
a place that i can't find
I wish that I could tell you
how much that i still care
the emptiness is blinding
whispers prevaid the air
you left me far too early
I tell you through my tears
how much i wish i had you
just for a few more years

[billy]

the poem after the first two lines tells me (the reader) nothing of your uncle but lots about you. so the title doesn't work.

nor do the parts about you. they're weak and obvious and wordy.
it's way to over the top and tries to hard to be poetic instead of trying to be poetry.

I see it all around me
its everywhere i go this line is almost verbatim from a wet wet wet song. and the one above is pretty close as well. (love is all around me)
the pain you left me with
the suffering that i show
theres just one thing to blame
for the absence in my heart
the life you left behind
still haunts and tears apart
these words were forced to leave
before i could even speak
endlessly cut short
force my hope to sink
holding on your hand
i feel it drag me down
i try to cry for help
but can not make a sound
i fall into this trench
impossible to rise
i suffer and i cry
too long into the night
you were my life and breath
my birth and now my death
theres no way to pretend
this is my largest test
i was to fail right from the start
still broken in my mind
i'll keep you in my heart
a place that i can't find
I wish that I could tell you
how much that i still care
the emptiness is blinding
whispers prevaid the air
you left me far too early
I tell you through my tears
how much i wish i had you
just for a few more years

[Gritdog]

[quote='billy' pid='144148' dateline='1381972771']
the poem after the first two lines tells me (the reader) nothing of your uncle but lots about you. so the title doesn't work.

nor do the parts about you. they're weak and obvious and wordy.
it's way to over the top and tries to hard to be poetic instead of trying to be poetry.

I appreciate the advice considering the title as well as on the descriptions. this one was written when I was fourteen, (I'm seventeen now), so its been a long time sense Ive even looked at this poem. I am currently working on a new poem about my uncles death, focusing mainly on the psychological effects the death had on me, as well as the grieving process and the death itself.
thanks for your comments and advice
-Gritdog

[tectak]

[quote='billy' pid='144148' dateline='1381972771']
the poem after the first two lines tells me (the reader) nothing of your uncle but lots about you. so the title doesn't work.

nor do the parts about you. they're weak and obvious and wordy.
it's way to over the top and tries to hard to be poetic instead of trying to be poetry.

I appreciate the advice considering the title as well as on the descriptions. this one was written when I was fourteen, (I'm seventeen now), so its been a long time sense Ive even looked at this poem. I am currently working on a new poem about my uncles death, focusing mainly on the psychological effects the death had on me, as well as the grieving process and the death itself.
thanks for your comments and advice
-Gritdog

No. Please don't. You are too close to the emotion and to far away from the skill.
Read more poetry and write for the pleasure not the pain. Your effort here is a "with sympathy" card...can you avoid writing the same thing again.I apologise for commenting on you and not the "poem", but you started it. Finish it and write about the celebration of life...you have a lot of it coming.
Best
tectak

[Gritdog]

[quote='billy' pid='144148' dateline='1381972771']
the poem after the first two lines tells me (the reader) nothing of your uncle but lots about you. so the title doesn't work.

nor do the parts about you. they're weak and obvious and wordy.
it's way to over the top and tries to hard to be poetic instead of trying to be poetry.

I appreciate the advice considering the title as well as on the descriptions. this one was written when I was fourteen, (I'm seventeen now), so its been a long time sense Ive even looked at this poem. I am currently working on a new poem about my uncles death, focusing mainly on the psychological effects the death had on me, as well as the grieving process and the death itself.
thanks for your comments and advice
-Gritdog

No. Please don't. You are too close to the emotion and to far away from the skill.
Read more poetry and write for the pleasure not the pain. Your effort here is a "with sympathy" card...can you avoid writing the same thing again.I apologise for commenting on you and not the "poem", but you started it. Finish it and write about the celebration of life...you have a lot of it coming.
Best
tectak

I described the poem i'm writing now as focusing on completely different things from what is described in this poem. Not to start a fight but give me a chance to try and improve on this one dude. Its a topic that is very close to me. I started writing it today and I tried to focus more on his amazing grace and compassion in dealing with his death. its in no way going to be a duplicate of this one. And I agree with you that there is a lot to celebrate in life but I think that grieving is also a vital part of life and moving on and improving oneself. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and offer your opinion, and I respect you for it.
Thank you for your time
-gritdog