Chocolate Lab

[Keith]

The drawn in night
shudders me home.
Chapped hands,
too tense to tilt
large coat buttons.
Stocking toes suckle
under her warm belly,
like nuzzling puppies.

[billy]

oh right, shit, it's about a labrador
for ages all i could see was chocs.
no real feedback keith. the last 3 lines are a good warming image.

[Malu]

The drawn in night Nice
shudders me home.
Chapped hands,
too tense to tilt I enjoyed this alliteration, it reads fine, but very slightly awkward.
large coat buttons.
Stocking toes suckle
under her warm belly,
like nuzzling puppies.

Not much to critique here. This is a vey nice warm-hearted poem I'm thinking this is about a new member of your family, or one that has been a part of it for a while. Thanks for the good read

[bena]

Is it about a dog? To me it could be about someone snuggling close to their lover, to warm up. Either way...I love it. There's really not much to crit. I love to tense to tilt, personally, because I could bathe in assonance.

[Keith]

oh right, shit, it's about a labrador
for ages all i could see was chocs.
no real feedback keith. the last 3 lines are a good warming image.

Thanks Billy, I didn't think about chocs but thinking about it I've got buttons and suckling going on so easy mistake. Cheers Keith

---

The drawn in night Nice
shudders me home.
Chapped hands,
too tense to tilt I enjoyed this alliteration, it reads fine, but very slightly awkward.
large coat buttons.
Stocking toes suckle
under her warm belly,
like nuzzling puppies.

Not much to critique here. This is a vey nice warm-hearted poem I'm thinking this is about a new member of your family, or one that has been a part of it for a while. Thanks for the good read

Thanks Malu yes I agree the alliteration is a bit OTT with all the TTTT just about keeping your feet warm and not wanting to move when you get in from work and the house is cold. Best Keith

---

Is it about a dog? To me it could be about someone snuggling close to their lover, to warm up. Either way...I love it. There's really not much to crit. I love to tense to tilt, personally, because I could bathe in assonance.

Thank you bena you are correct it could well be that, I don't own a chocolate Labrador and the point was about wedging cold toes into warm places any underbelly would do. cheers Keith