To Baudelaire

[Laura Marx]

Drown me in thy wine, Baudelaire!
We will drink to the Spleen and the Ideal!
We will drink to our evils,
to our unquenched desires
which push us ever forward towards new girls,
We will drink to old knighthoods, Baudelaire,
To dead chivalry and to Sappho's ghost
We will drink to the good death, and the good evil,
And the Architect! And we will drink
to all soured lesbians and sex workers
of old Paris, of old gaslamps, of old bottles of wine.

[jdeirmend]

What intrigues me most about this poem, after a few readings through, is the kind of nostalgia it portrays. This seems to me in direct opposition to a "good and faithful" nostalgia for an Edenic time-prior-to-time. It rather comes off as a pining for what came immediately after the Fall: humanity, mortality, the sacrament of embodiment, of gustatory and sensual pleasures, of all manner of human wretchedness and brokenness. There is a certain anti-Platonism, a valorization of the inescapable imperfections of real existence, a celebration of deviance, death and despair.

And yet, it is not so simple as that.

"To dead chivalry . . ." seems terribly out of place. To reincorporate it, it helps to look at what comes right afterwards: "Sappho's ghost." Does this posit some sort of paradoxical identity between the idealizing, banal prosody of heterosexual courtly love, and the delicate, immortal poetry of female homosexuality? However ridiculous the Quixotan male courtesan looks to the practical, egotistically-ethical modern sensibility, his erotomania has some affinity, the poem seems to be saying, with the spirit of the most celebrated and ancient dead lesbian poet. Perhaps the idea is just this: it can be liberating and strangely healthy to permit desire to conquer its own normative and provincial prohibitions.

[FractalPacifist]

I liked the imagery and the feel of this; I got the feel of a dimly lit room (old gaslamps) and quite a few empty wine bottles scattered about.

I think the only part that got to me was the sound. You've got a pretty strong set of beats up until "girls". The next line almost matched the sound of the first, but the line right after ("to dead chivalry and to Sappho's ghost") struck me as off, sound-wise, and the others didn't pull me back in. I think you just left me craving a slightly more repetitive meter.

Drown me in thy wine, Baudelaire! I read this as: trochee, anapest, anapest. DUM dah dah dah DUM, dah dah DUM.
We will drink to the Spleen and the Ideal!
anapest, anapest, anapest, (last one was a little forced, but not bad)
We will drink to our evils,
anapest, anapest ("evils" is a little forced again)
to our unquenched desires
anapest, anapest
which push us ever forward towards new girls,
here it gets a little more muddled. I can't decide if I want to read it as "which PUSH us" or "which push US." assuming the second one and kinda reading "forward" as one syllable, we've got: anapest, anapest, anapest. So far, so good.
We will drink to old knighthoods, Baudelaire,
this wants to be "anapest, anapest, anapest," but "hoods" throws it off. Not a problem if the following lines pick it back up.
To dead chivalry and to Sappho's ghost
and this line threw me off. If I try to read the first three syllables as an anapest, I'm left with four soft syllables - "ry and to saph", since I tend to read "sappho" as an iamb.
We will drink to the good death, and the good evil,
once again, a little confused. Starts with an anapest, and then gets fuzzy with "to the good death." Google just told me that that is called a "quartus paeon", or duh duh duh DUM. Not a bad way to do meter, but not fitting with the rest. After this point, the meter deviates pretty strongly, but I think you get my idea.
And the Architect! And we will drink
to all soured lesbians and sex workers
of old Paris, of old gaslamps, of old bottles of wine.

So, I hope my slightly inexperienced breakdown of meter helped. I really do like the sound of the first half; if the second half fit as well, I'd be in love with this.

[Laura Marx]

@jdeirmend

I really love your review, thankyou!

This seems to me in direct opposition to a "good and faithful" nostalgia for an Edenic time-prior-to-time. It rather comes off as a pining for what came immediately after the Fall: humanity, mortality, the sacrament of embodiment, of gustatory and sensual pleasures, of all manner of human wretchedness and brokenness.

You know, this is wonderful. Have you read Baudelaire? This is what Baudelaire is all about. He views humanity as totally elapsed in evil, succumbed to Satan who 'pulls the strings', and he loves it - and I'm really glad I was able to show this in the poem. I have no idea how you managed to get that, but, yes, that's a big thing at play.

There is a certain anti-Platonism

You don't know how much of a compliment that is to me! Oh! My post-modern soul is shaking at such a comment. Thankyou!

Does this posit some sort of paradoxical identity between the idealizing, banal prosody of heterosexual courtly love, and the delicate, immortal poetry of female homosexuality?

Yes. I like this, because it implies that I disagree with Baudelaire. He saw lesbian love as despair, and you are saying I am saying: no, it is immortal poetry! And I like that. Here I am, the 21st century fresh-faced lesbian, locked in a dialogue over sexuality with Baudelaire. Thanks for the crit, friend, I appreciate it.

@FractalPacifist

You hero! You legend! Yes! You have completely identified the problem I have been having with this poem. The meter completely slips off. I hate that line about 'dead chivalry and Sappho's ghost' and I couldn't tell why. I thought maybe the wording was trite, but, no - it is the weakest part of the poems rhythm. I absolutely agree that 'towards new girls' wavers and needs to be picked up, but never does, now that I look at it with your eyes.

I have never edited a poems meter before so this will be a challenge to me. Can you recommend what rhythm would be best? Try and fit it into anapests the rest of the way, with a trochee when necessary? That seems to be the rhythm of the first half. DROWN me in thy WINE, baudeLAIRE! we will DRINK to the SPLEEN and the IDEAL! That's really strong, I think - even though it's messy, -eal slithers off, feminine, but that's fine. It's a dirty old working class Paris sex work poem, it's meant to be messy. If the rest of it kept up that force it would be - yes, yes. Thankyou so much, FractalPacifist.

Also, that image is exactly what I was going for, thankyou

[FractalPacifist]

Laura,

*bows to applause*

My vote is definitely to keep with the anapests - they give it almost a lazy, gritty feel (if those two adjectives together make any sense at all). On that note, your last line is very nearly in that rhythm, with the subtraction of a few "of"s:

of old PARis, old GASlamps, old BOTtles of WINE.

(I also really like the occasional syllable slipping out from the meter - sort of like it just doesn't want to be confined.)

Good luck and such - I'm excited to read the revision!

[tectak]

Drown me in thy wine, Baudelaire!
We will drink to the Spleen and the Ideal!
We will drink to our evils,
to our unquenched desires
which push us ever forward towards new girls, Period. You have made a sentence
We will drink to old knighthoods, Baudelaire,
To dead chivalry and to Sappho's ghost
We will drink to the good death, and the good evil,
And the Architect! And we will drink I give up. Calm down. This is Sappho on steroids. You make much of little and then seem to hide what you really want to say...and what's wrong with lesbians except in this poem? Over intellectualising can detract by substitution. The obscurity is academic posturing...you ARE writing a poem are you not?
to all soured lesbians and sex workers
of old Paris, of old gaslamps, of old bottles of wine. Now that Baudelaire has been name-dropped and game-dropped we can enjoy the poetry of Laura. So...the meter is like falling logs, the punctuation is enebriated, the repetition...hmmmm... not always a "bad" thing, but in this terse verse a little OTT , perhaps. For me, you didn't need to drag Baudelaire into it. Just write about how wonderful lesbians, lushes and old lamps are.
Best,
tectak

Hi laura,
Rollicking though this is I am concerned in a small way that you rely too heavily upon l'actualité of Baudelaire and his concession to the free life style...that is, you use too much of what Baudelaire had, and not enough of what you would wish us to believe is of you. Yes, I have read Baudelaire, and as a spirit of the age he blew gustily but failed to emerge as a force nine storm...during his lifetime...exactly what you are doing in this terse (too terse) tribute. I can imagine french academics reading Poe translated and praising Baudelaire.
Enough translational stuff. I get the spleen, the ideal and the Architect. Probably three out of ten but you had a lot to choose from...so to the poetry.
Well, first of all...who wrote it? I don't mean plagiarism, but I note in your crit that you assume a good deal about the writer(s). I end with a question. Have you read Baudelaire?

[jringo_]

This isn't much of a critique, although I do love the last line, but I'm just saying, let's go Get Drunk!

[Keith]

This isn't much of a critique, although I do love the last line, but I'm just saying, let's go Get Drunk!

This is not suitable critique and you know it. Please do not do this again. mod.