RatBoy

[RyanRader13]

So I think I will introduce some of my old style that I had before my massive block. This is actually written as song lyrics so when it gets repetitive just bear with me. This piece is also really personal so I'm sure I'm the only one who will get it. The point is I want to learn how to better this and make it a clear message that is the best it can be. If i need to upload the music that accompanies the poem just let me know.

Warning Explicit Language

RatBoy

You're ugly. You're stupid.
You ain't worth a fucking thing.
You're lowly, and putrid,
You'll never amount to anything.

You're worthless. You're wasteful.
Why do I even bother?
You're negative, and hateful,
You don't even have a father.

(You're spinning out of control
Get back in your hole,
and go do what you're told
or watch it burn your soul)


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me

Break me, and rape me,
tell me how much you hate me
Beat me, and keep me,
Show me how you complete me


I'm tiny. I'm hideous.
And I'm such a fucking idiot
I hurt, and I hate me,
So nobody dares to save me

I'm silent, sick looking,
And I see you over there staring.
I'm loud. I'm crooked.
I had a chance but you took it.

(I'm spinning out of control,
I better get back in my hole,
and go do what I'm told,
Or watch it burn my soul)


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me

Aesthetic, pathetic,
My painted face just said it.
Come near me, Come smear me
Nothing matters to me.


I sit, and watch,
as everybody runs.
They run, away,
After promising to stay.

I'm empty. I'm useless.
Want to see me when I get ruthless?
Ain't broken, or heartless,
I'm weak but far from harmless


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me

I'll break you, I'll take you.
I'll show you how it feels.
I'll tear you, and scare you,
so push me again I dare you.

Hit me, slit my throat.
Don't you just want to own my soul?
Beat me, and keep me,
Show me how you complete me.


Thats all I had so far. please be hard on this one I really want to know the audience perspective or what I can do to change the effect to better suit my purpose. Don't be afraid to tell me if you think I'm nuts haha.

[milo]

Are you going to post the chords?

[Malu]

Warning Explicit Language

RatBoy

You're ugly. You're stupid.
You ain't worth a fucking thing.
You're lowly, and putrid,
You'll never amount to anything.

You're worthless. You're wasteful.
Why do I even bother?
You're negative, and hateful,
You don't even have a father.

(You're spinning out of control
Get back in your hole,
and go do what you're told
or watch it burn your soul)


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me Use and abuse is a bit cliche, but it's not that bad, definitely ties into this

Break me, and rape me,
tell me how much you hate me
Beat me, and keep me,
Show me how you complete me


I'm tiny. I'm hideous.
And I'm such a fucking idiot
I hurt, and I hate me,
So nobody dares to save me

I'm silent, sick looking,
And I see you over there staring.
I'm loud. I'm crooked.
I had a chance but you took it.

(I'm spinning out of control,
I better get back in my hole,
and go do what I'm told,
Or watch it burn my soul)


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me

Aesthetic, pathetic,
My painted face just said it. I especially liked the first two lines of ths stanza
Come near me, Come smear me
Nothing matters to me.


I sit, and watch,
as everybody runs.
They run, away,
After promising to stay.

I'm empty. I'm useless.
Want to see me when I get ruthless?
Ain't broken, or heartless,
I'm weak but far from harmless Liked this line too


Ratboy, little Ratboy,
This is who I am I'm Ratboy.
Confuse me and abuse me
Everyone come and use me

I'll break you, I'll take you.
I'll show you how it feels.
I'll tear you, and scare you,
so push me again I dare you.

Hit me, slit my throat.
Don't you just want to own my soul?
Beat me, and keep me,
Show me how you complete me. This is a good line, very fitting to end with this


Thats all I had so far. please be hard on this one I really want to know the audience perspective or what I can do to change the effect to better suit my purpose. Don't be afraid to tell me if you think I'm nuts haha.
[/quote]
I noticed your music genre is metal and alternative. This seems fairly dark to me. How do you sing it? Really hardcore screaming metal? Or alternative? I'm assuming more screaming metal. Definitely conveyed a lot of emotion, and I definitely don't have any doubts about the personal connection, I'm sure this is your story.

[Erthona]

"idiot" does rhyme with "stupid slut", or "little bit" depending on how you pronounce it. I only point this out since you rhyme the first three stanzas. I personally don't consider it a rhyme if you just repeat the same word, "me", "me", "me", "me". Not that repeating "me" is boring or anything. The problem with critiquing lyrics is that you can have a whole handful of words in one measure and follow with three in the next and it works just fine because of the music. Nor do things have to rhyme, or for that matter what is written doesn't even need to make sense. The problem with this poem/lyric is it's lack of originality, except maybe for the use of rat boy, and I'm pretty sure I've seen that also. A lot of these lines are cliche, and often when you do rhyme it is forced, or overused "hole", "soul". Yet again, if this is put to music, and you are screaming and banging you head when singing it, it would probably work just fine.


Dale

[tigrflye]

This feels very personal. I can imagine it being spit/ screamed to metal music. I like "aesthetic, pathetic" and "I'm tiny. I'm hideous. And I'm such a fucking idiot"
I actually think your rhymes are okay. Not necessarily original - because I think we all feel ugly, etc at some point and that feeling has been written about a lot - I don't see a special "spin" on it.. but I liked it because it read easy. You know, I enjoy reading stephen king but sometimes I just want a romance novel cuz it is easy and doesn't require too much thinking.
I think it is what it is.
If this was " technically a poem", I'd suggest more adjectives and similes.. but I won't because it is song lyrics and it flows well. I'd like to hear it to music, like you intended.

[RyanRader13]

I really really appreciate the feedback and I was actually not expecting anyone to like it or get it but im glad that it got across much better than my expectations.

Erthona, you pointing out the stale word choice actually gave me a better idea. the song is supposed to be that self loathing crazy rant when someone slips into madness and I agree that switching to 'me' at the second stanza was too obvious and stale. I thought about it and I think I'll try editing it to make the slip toward madness a bit less obvious. Like going through different points of view, starting it out detached like addressing someoone else in the third person then in the second verse like directly talking to someone and in the final one have it be full 1st person. Does that sound a bit more interesting?

Milo, I would love to but i would have to look into how to transpose it into more of a music theory format. I'm completely self taught so some of the proper things are lost on me and i think my lack of properness contributes to my chaotic nature. the song is set up to be metal but instead of that metallica slipknot kind of metal its more along that heavy droning korn had a baby with marilyn manson. If you would like me to make an acoustic version for comical purposes let me know if you would find that entertaining.

Malu, screaming very very screaming, not like chelsea grin, not like cannibal corpse, like that dark 90's sadistic trip (ex: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrfBT02mKBI) that slow but menacing feel. I actually kinda like some of the use of cliche depending on how its twisted, the one you pointed out is not my favorite of them but I'm glad you were receptive to it. I would real;y like any suggestions you have for making the audience more aware of the nature of the lyrics.

tigrflye, I definitely hear you on the lack of originality, as far as the words go I can definitely say it sounds really radiohead, I think the only spin i have on it is in the music itself which is lost on this forum since i only posted the words. I am glad you liked the simplistic nature, thats really the kind of thing I enjoy, i'm not a dragonforce junkie who likes 50,000 notes shoved into a measure I am more interested in that slow catatonic dragging feeling, I think some of the best messages are the ones everybody can get, kinda like the novel, I like music that you can feel and know what you are hearing without having to guess, and I like the sugestion toward similes I think I would like to try mixing some in to see what happens maybe replace some of the redundance.

I loved all of the suggestions and I'm glad to see all the feedback. I want this to be the best it can be and if I finish it I'll give everyone the option to hear it. If i need to post the instrumental part to help visualize it just let me know