in the swifts of solitude

[shenaz]

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

[Spikerider]

I liked it until the last line, I don't get it.

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

[shenaz]

I liked it until the last line, I don't get it.

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

The last line is a rhetorical question, like I am telling myself I need to put more effort in helping me than in pleasing others. Hence.I don't have to get too invested in people's reactions. I translated the last line for yoruba. Thanks for the critique

[expiring_touch]

me personally the only lines that I really liked were the last two ones. It's a nice riddle, the sort you achieve when one is reaching the point of extreme exertion, where it's not clear, if you wave, or you've become the wave, whether the back is your back, or just the direction that the current relentlessly keeps thrashing you into...

[shenaz]

I like it when you put it that way. Great analysis. Thanks

[Malu]

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

The two lines that both end with along, and the two lines that both end with shore seemed to take away a little bit from this poem because they didn't read well, at least to me it did. "Swimming my way along, the fish part along" reads weird. My suggestion would be to substitute some of these words.

[shenaz]

When you put it that way, it reads odd. Will edit

[tectak]

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

OK. Let's really look at this. First of all, let's not pretend that there is a great poem here. Even the concept is...er...ill-conceived. You see, there are some poems you can write that excuse themselves by some virtue over and above "competance". Don't take offence at what I am about to say, but this is not one of them...why? Well, it reads as though it has been translated by google from the original Navaho. It is not helped by the retro capitalisation of each line in lieu of punctuation. You do realise that you have only written one sentence?
So...what to do? Well, if english is not your first language I would encourage you to find a human translator to put your thoughts into some coherent and acceptable text.
"The fish part along.." is, as written, nonsense. Sorry, but there is no easier way of saying it. Rhyming along with along is hopelessly lazy....or worse, unnoticed by you.
The rest of the piece is King's clothing. Some may say fine. I say not. Can hardly is crit with half handed not thinking, yes? NO.
Read your work out loud to your postman....see what he thinks.If he says it is just fine, check you haven't got someone else's mail.
Very best,
tectak

[tigrflye]

Swimming my way along
The fish part along another along?
Silvery fins barely touch ok, good.. a solid image for me to imagine
No imprints on the river bedI kinda like this untouched feeling
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,another shore?
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?I don't understand the ending

I think this poem is pretty simple. I like the idea of swimming somewhere that is virtually untouched. I think it has a long way to go to transform into greatness. More experienced writers have pointed out to me that each line does not need to start with a Capital Letter. If your next line is the middle of a sentence, leave it lowercase. It is easier to read.
I wave back by half? Can hardly swim with a hand?

[shenaz]

Swimming my way along
The fish part along
Silvery fins barely touch
No imprints on the river bed
Hoping to reach the shore
I give my best stroke
Waves along the shore,
I wave back by half
Can hardly swim with a hand, no?

OK. Let's really look at this. First of all, let's not pretend that there is a great poem here. Even the concept is...er...ill-conceived. You see, there are some poems you can write that excuse themselves by some virtue over and above "competance". Don't take offence at what I am about to say, but this is not one of them...why? Well, it reads as though it has been translated by google from the original Navaho. It is not helped by the retro capitalisation of each line in lieu of punctuation. You do realise that you have only written one sentence?
So...what to do? Well, if english is not your first language I would encourage you to find a human translator to put your thoughts into some coherent and acceptable text.
"The fish part along.." is, as written, nonsense. Sorry, but there is no easier way of saying it. Rhyming along with along is hopelessly lazy....or worse, unnoticed by you.
The rest of the piece is King's clothing. Some may say fine. I say not. Can hardly is crit with half handed not thinking, yes? NO.
Read your work out loud to your postman....see what he thinks.If he says it is just fine, check you haven't got someone else's mail.
Very best,
tectak

Ok. Thanks for the analysis. Will certainly improve next time