My First (Take 2)

[DontBelong]

First Edit
So trying to take this on board although in small steps I have revised as so. I'm still a little confused about meter, hope this doesn't sound too stupid but I'm struggling to define between harsh and soft syllables. Also is the idea for each line to have the same meter, I get the basic idea just not so much what to do with it if that makes sense? As for Yoda speak I actually didn't notice that until you mentioned it but it bugs me now you have so I'm hoping I have cleared that up too! You guys have been invaluable so far, so thank you and please let me know if this is an improvement or if I've totally missed the point.

Within the folds of night's cold veil,
the raven squawks its last detail.
So with its wish granted true, - not sure this change is right I think it helps the meter but it sort of seems off?
another's world fades from view.

And will this second darkness come
with thoughts of deeds, or those undone?
Or is this silence, so profound and new
all that's left of that faded view?

Original
So it appear I have A LOT to learn and the first thing I posted wasn't even poetry. I've decided I'm going to get this poetry stuff and in the process gone from what I thought was a piece of poetry that was void of all the cliché junk most people think is poetry that wasn't poetry at all, to something that is incredibly cliché but hopefully is poetry. Let me know what you think and how I can improve

Within the folds of nights cold veil,
the raven squawks its last detail.
With its wish granted true,
another's world fades from view.

And will this second darkness come
with questions of deeds, or those undone?
Or will this silence profoundly new
be all that's left from that faded world view?

[Leanne]

a) LOVE your attitude!

b) Check out the Poetry Practice forum for tips on why rhyming poetry should always use meter of some kind.

c) Ending the poem on a question can sometimes be effective (though rarely), but in this case it makes it feel a bit unfinished. You could easily think up a nice concluding couplet that still leaves things open ended but isn't just going to make the reader say yes or no and then move on without thinking much about it.

d) Why am I listing stuff? Something is wrong in my brain. Anyway. night's. I actually really enjoy the tone of this poem, it's quite appropriate for this time of year with all the Halloween-y stuff around . There aren't any real cliches here -- night's veil could be considered one but I think you've worded that well enough to avoid the trap for now. There are good bones here and it's poetic -- not because it rhymes, but because it has a good depth to it and that will only improve with editing.

[billy]

So it appear I have A LOT to learn and the first thing I posted wasn't even poetry. I've decided I'm going to get this poetry stuff and in the process gone from what I thought was a piece of poetry that was void of all the cliché junk most people think is poetry that wasn't poetry at all, to something that is incredibly cliché but hopefully is poetry. Let me know what you think and how I can improve

Within the folds of nights cold veil, night's
the raven squawks its last detail.
With its wish granted true,
another's world fades from view.

And will this second darkness come
with questions of deeds, or those undone?
Or will this silence profoundly new
be all that's left from that faded world view?

it's a bit poe which is never a bad thing, i think you could do another couple of verse which would make it complete. so far it's a huge improvement on your last poem.
a bit of yoda speak in the last line but a solid improvement.

see if you can do the same with some feedback

[Erthona]

Line six is too long, and the last line reads a bit awkward, but yes, much improved from your last one, not because it is written in verse, but because it is just better. It make sense, and has a bouncy line to go with the bouncy content.


Dale