Strike

[Wjames]

Roar and rumble, twist and turn,
loose the lightning’s pent-up burn.
Flash and flicker, dance and dive,
for an instant feel alive.

[Keith]

Roar and rumble, twist and turn,
loose the lightning’s pent-up burn.
Flash and flicker, dance and dive,
for an instant feel alive.

This has a real buzz to it and conveys that feeling of excitement you get from watching storms. It also made me think of that drunken dance we've all done when a really good song comes on and you give yourself over to the music even if it is a bit David Brent its still good to let go. One point the last line seem off but I can't put my finger on it should it be instance or in an instant.... I'm not sure but no matter I still really enjoyed this little jive. Best TOMH

[Sonata]

I loved it!
Everything is described quite well,
But i think something is missing, as it there could be, maybe, a second stanza talking about that feeling, when, why, where, what

[RyanRader13]

I think it could be awesome if it was longer and had a bit more meat, It feels slightly vague

[jringo_]

Roar and rumble, twist and turn,
loose the lightning’s pent-up burn.
Flash and flicker, dance and dive,
for an instant feel alive.LINE BREAK!

A flowing rhythm is created by the clauses in the first three lines, a nice palatable pattern. It's broken so haphazardly in the final line! I would suggest either putting a comma after "instant" to continue the pattern, or a line break after "instant" to break the pattern clearly. Lovely poem though!

[Laura Marx]

Glorious! Glorious! Glorious!

J'adore! J'adore! I am at some spiritual, some hounfour deep in the belly of Haiti, I am dancing around a bonfire outside my head on peyote - whatever, it's beautiful. It's ceremony, it's the visionary entering trance, the priest collapsing onto the sand in prayer, and so on. There is something immensley fast about it which is for me just - ecstasy! Even, it invokes the image of colorful Sufi whirling, which casts the ego somewhere lost into the abyss. I adore it! You have made a poem of true ecstasy! Grassroots ecstasy! A poem of orgasm, of trance, of gnosis, of whatever... Of those little moments of pure joy and bliss, that 'loose the lightning's pent-up' burn.

I disagree with everybody about all criticisms they have made to the structure of the verse. They are wrong, and I denounce them as poets.

[tectak]

Glorious! Glorious! Glorious!

J'adore! J'adore! I am at some spiritual, some hounfour deep in the belly of Haiti, I am dancing around a bonfire outside my head on peyote - whatever, it's beautiful. It's ceremony, it's the visionary entering trance, the priest collapsing onto the sand in prayer, and so on. There is something immensley fast about it which is for me just - ecstasy! Even, it invokes the image of colorful Sufi whirling, which casts the ego somewhere lost into the abyss. I adore it! You have made a poem of true ecstasy! Grassroots ecstasy! A poem of orgasm, of trance, of gnosis, of whatever... Of those little moments of pure joy and bliss, that 'loose the lightning's pent-up' burn.

I disagree with everybody about all criticisms they have made to the structure of the verse. They are wrong, and I denounce them as poets.

j'adore, ecstacy and orgasmic are not considered valid critique.How could you help the author improve the piece? Your comments are about you, not the poem.
mod.

---

Roar and rumble, twist and turn,
loose the lightning’s pent-up burn.
Flash and flicker, dance and dive,
for an instant feel alive.

Terse verse, sure, but packs a lot in. Someone commented on the length and asked for more. I agree BUT at this level of excitement it would be difficult to maintain UNLESS the stanza above became a refrain.
Short piece, short crit.
Best,
tectak

[Laura Marx]

I am saying: I think the poem is perfect. I could not ask for anymore. I am saying: send it off for publishing! I could not possibly offer improvement. But of course, you're right - I ought to have actually said that and not just be so excited. Sorry.

[billy]

Roar and rumble, twist and turn,
loose the lightning’s pent-up burn.
Flash and flicker, dance and dive,
for an instant feel alive.

it reads like a spell.
without the title i'd be wondering what it was about. so the titles works

[Wjames]

I was reading Bound for Glory by Woody Guthrie when I wrote this. The first line of this poem "Roar and rumble, twist and turn" was taken directly from the book. I've been doing that a lot recently, reading books while I write, and building poems around individual phrases that I like while reading.

In the book, it was:


Where was I?
Where in the hell was I?
Where was I when I was a kid? Just as far, far, far back, on back, as I can remember?
Strike, ligntning, strike!
Strike, Goddam you, strike!
There's lots of folks that you cain't hurt!
Strike, lightning!
See if I care!
Roar and rumble, twist and turn, the sky ain't never as crazy as the world.
Bound for glory? This train? Ha!
I wonder just where in the hell we're bound.
Rain on, little rain, rain on!
Blow on, little wind, keep blowin'!
'Cause them guys is a singin' that this train is bound for glory, an' I'm gonna hug her breast till I find out where she's bound.