A Day in the Life

[PoetryAndPhysics]

He slumped to the pavement and bled out;
but I only walked by faster.
What if I got involved and somehow hurt?
Needless scars might slash my fingers...
a bad justification. I'd take the elevator up the Chrysler Building,
perch the edge, then glide
an autumn wind past light bathed clouds after a morning thunderstorm.
A superhero, rescuing some wayward metropolis.
A comic book messiah, manifest upon reality.
They'd launch parades.
Instead, I pace a platform for the next train,
inhale the pumpkin scented air,
like a mouthful of crispy leaves,
and look with the setting sun.
Each day's like another universe meanders around me,
never venturing beyond a 22" circumference
between my ears that I'm forced to drag
from one point on the grid to the next.

[Erthona]

This has a fair amount of grammatical, syntactical, and ambiguity problems that makes difficult to read. Really the only thing I got from it was the reference to the Beatles song. There could be some nice parts here but the writing negates them, such as:

"inhale the pumpkin scented air,
like a mouthful of crispy leaves"

I like the crispy leaves, but the way it is written it could be read as "like a mouthful of crispy leaves I inhale..." How does a mouthful of crispy leaves inhale? What is missing is, tasting like a mouthful, or smelling like...

"inhale the pumpkin scented air,
tasting like a mouthful of crispy leaves"

This piece is rife with this sort of unintentional ambiguity. It is very difficult to read this without stopping every other line and asking, "What does that mean?".


Dale

[FractalPacifist]

I really like where this is going. The imagery and ideas are powerful - at what point do you just keep walking? If I had only one piece of feedback to give, I'd say work on the meter a little bit, since it doesn't fully read smoothly.

He slumped to the pavement and bled out;
but I only walked by faster.
What if I got involved and somehow hurt?
Needless scars might slash my fingers... I like this line, but I don't like the ellipses.
a bad justification. I'd take the elevator up the Chrysler Building,
perch the edge, then glide beautiful images.
an autumn wind past light bathed clouds after a morning thunderstorm.
A superhero, rescuing some wayward metropolis.
A comic book messiah, manifest upon reality. "comic book messiah" made me smile.
They'd launch parades.
Instead, I pace a platform for the next train,
inhale the pumpkin scented air,
like a mouthful of crispy leaves,
and look with the setting sun.
Each day's like another universe meanders around me, here you move from inward reflection to universal reflection, and it doesn't sit well with the rest of ideas you are going for. it feels like the speaker was talking about the desire to help others, and is now talking about how their life is bland. if there's going to be such a shift, it should be more gradual.
never venturing beyond a 22" circumference
between my ears that I'm forced to drag
from one point on the grid to the next. I do like the double use of circumference here.

[tigrflye]

I'd take the elevator up the Chrysler Building,
perch the edge, then glide
an autumn wind past light bathed clouds after a morning thunderstorm.

I like this but I had to go back and read it a few times. Perhaps it feels wordy? Or I wish there was something "glide ON an autumn wind" or "within an autum wind" or " atop an autumn wind". I just got caught up on that sentence.

A superhero, rescuing some wayward metropolis.
A comic book messiah, manifest upon reality.
They'd launch parades.

i'm a girl that loves superheros ..and comic book boys. So I loved those fantasy lines.

Instead, I pace a platform for the next train,
inhale the pumpkin scented air,
like a mouthful of crispy leaves , like chewing crispy leaves/. Tasting a mouthful of crispy leaves.
and look with the setting sun.

Reflecting on the mundane that is our daily life.. wishing we could be more.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Dale & tigrfly- You guys make good points on the language. I suppose I justified half the wording as part of the narrator's "voice", though the other half I probably didn't notice. Poems always read just fine when you're the one who writes them . All the ambiguity does have to go, I agree.

fractalpacifist- I definitely need to expand on the walking in the intro, or even better, I should introduce a more nuanced scenario to walk passed.

[Gritdog]

all i can do is pretty much second what the first couple guys said. other then that though I felt a strong emotional connection with this poem. weather that's good or bad, i don't know () but I feel that besides the hiccups, you did very well on this one.

[theredghost]

I really like the imagery; the almost frankness of the subject in it means it could be interpreted in many different ways, I love the ambiguity of it.

Also the way the sentences arent always technically full sentences is really good too - 8/10, good poem, dude