Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
.
Erratic faerie flight,
flitting ‘cross the lawn,
dancing through the night,
illuminate till dawn.
Fluorescing honey bees,
eliciting soft sighs.
Within a copse of trees,
what is this you spy,
that makes your heart to seize:
Fairies?
No…
just fireflies!
-Erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
10-06-2013, 04:02 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-06-2013, 04:02 PM by Leanne.)
Can you have "that makes your heartbeat seize" to get rid of that awful syntax?
Otherwise, gosh it's pretty Dale.
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Leanne,
Yeah, I didn't really like that line. I thought about "that makes one's heart to seize", but that is probably not any better. I have no idea why I am so invested in wanting to keep the "to seize". Your suggestion makes more sense and reads more smoothly. I'll try to change it, because I know it is better...I will try!
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2013
(10-06-2013, 04:00 PM)Erthona Wrote: .
Erratic faerie flight,
flitting ‘cross the lawn,
dancing through the night,
illuminate till dawn.
Illuminate is ordinarily transitive, isn't it? It seems to me that you need to say what it is that the flight and the flitting and the dance illuminates. And if you are using it with the intransitive sense of "glow", then the verb needs to be "illuminates" to agree in number with "flight", yes?
Quote:Fluorescing honey bees,
eliciting soft sighs.
Within a copse of trees,
what is this you spy,
L 8 seems halting to me. It needs a monosyllabic word between "this" and "you". Perhaps "what is this thing you spy"?
Quote:that makes your heart to seize:
"Makes your heart to seize" is an awkward and ungrammatical phrase. It looks as if it's rhyme (and meter) at any cost. And my first thought upon reading the expression was "makes your hears seize what?". If you wanted to be clever -- especially if you are saying that the sight you speak of makes your hear "seize up", is to use the word "up-seize". You'd wouldn't then be sacrificing sense on the altar of rhyme.
Jeffrey
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Jeffrey,
Thank you for your thoughtful critique, I appreciate all criticism even if I disagree with it, as it forces me to find a rational for why I did what I did.
"Illuminate is ordinarily transitive, isn't it?"
Ordinarily yes, but it can also be used as an intransitive verb meaning: "to become lighted up".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"L 8 seems halting to me. It needs a monosyllabic word between "this" and "you". Perhaps "what is this thing you spy"?"
It is understandable to think this might be written in trochee, and thus need the extra syllable, however this is in accentual verse and the number of syllables is incidental.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
""Makes your heart to seize" is an awkward and ungrammatical phrase."
I agree. Yes you and Leanne both voiced objection to this phrase. See the above answer to Leanne about that.
Thanks again for your comments,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
like a fool i read the other feedback. that said my feedback would be the same though i will add one thought because of it.
1st off i'm reading the 4th line as a statement and for me it works as such. switch oon the light or in this instance [illuminate till dawn]
i'm struggling to see a meter so i take it you're not using one; and it works this way [shit shit shit, this is the for fun forum sorry dale. but i started so i'll finish.]
i'd suggest a line space before the last three lines.
i'm not sure the cliche i pointed out does the poem any harm but i just pointed it out anyway.
the poem makes a great child's read. and a collection of them would be absolutely spiffing. enjoyed it's brevity.
thanks for the read.
(10-06-2013, 04:00 PM)Erthona Wrote: .
Erratic faerie flight,
flitting ‘cross the lawn, i like 'cross instead of across here as it adds some quaint to the thing.
dancing through the night, cliche
illuminate till dawn.
Fluorescing honey bees,
eliciting soft sighs.
Within a copse of trees,
what is this you spy,
that makes your heart to seize: feels jerky.
Fairies?
No…
just fireflies!
-Erthona
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Thanks Billy,
"I could have danced all night" (My Fair Lady)
"dance with the devil on a cold dark night" (Batman)
"dancing in the dark" (Bruce Springsteen)
"the dark side of the moon" (Pink Floyd)
"moon river" (Perry Como)
Not to be obstinate, but how is "dancing through the night" a cliche? I've listed all the similar well known phrases I'm familiar with, are you referring to something else?
"that makes your heart to seize: feels jerky." See answer to Leanne.
[shit shit shit, this is the for fun forum sorry dale. but i started so i'll finish.]
I don't mind at all. I mainly just put things in here so as not to waste people's time, not because I don't want feedback.So fire away (cliche) 
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
|
