Bloodletting

[makeshift]

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale —

[billy]

the 1st person sounds like a troubled person. i like some of the images, and had just a couple of niggles. wish i could have been more helpful.
thanks for the read.

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree. i like the image of the splitting tree in agony, though agony wasn't mentioned i feel it

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless. i like how windswept and faceless come from smear.

I want nothing,
and everything. not sure this couplet give you or the poem anything

I want disintegration.

Exhale — i like the end, it's like self medicating.

[Todd]

Hi makeshift,

There's an awful lot that I like here. You have some really cohesive, natural imagery. A couple minor issues that I had noted below:

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms--atoms to me just feels too scientific for the rest of the image. It could just be me.
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and--the and doesn't make a great break. This is a solid line followed up by the lightning strike. Consider ending the line on scream.
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.--love that. Such a nice progression to this point

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale —--I also love the way you ended this with your breaks giving the sense of the speaker discorporating into breath.

I enjoyed this read. I hope some of the comments were helpful.

Best,

Todd

[makeshift]

Thnx for reading/feedbacking

I think this is the first poem that i've written that i'm proud of (though i'll probably hate it in a week >.<) at least it was the first poem I wrote that I felt I needed to write.

I have a few revisions in mind, mostly small changes. I may edit then post it in mild critique idk idk maybe getting ahead of myself, but feel like it might be rewarding. Still struggeling with "atoms", I did fear it was too sciency but I cant find another way to express the idea that isn't vague or overwordy. Will have to think about it for sure, though im probably overthinking it as is. Thnx again.

[Jim Steele]

I don't know if its the message you intended, but being an introvert with a profound distaste of crowds, confrontations, and people who shout when there's no need for it, I frequently get the desire to disappear on an atomic level. The theme of anonymity that I got from this poem was comforting. Non-solid imagery, that was pretty consistent throughout, lent to the willo-the-wisp fantasy that was playing through my head as I read this. And, as somebody else said, the last line - "exhale" - it almost sounded like advice being given to the anxious speaker. Finally, I liked the overall structure - how you went from 5 lines to 4 lines to 3 lines and so on, down to a single word. Perhaps a visual nod to the theme of disintegration and the breaking down of physical matter into tiny pieces?

[metalfan91]

I think "atoms" is fine. In all honesty, this doesn't need to be changed much. If you do incorporate some changes, listen to your poem, but this seems to be all there. If you want to really nitpick, there are some words you could take out, but it's up to you.

As far as the theme goes, I like the exploration of the human feeling of wanting to simply be left alone. You don't sound troubled, just introspective and contemplative. As a person with introvert tendencies, I find it annoying how others think that it is something to be fixed rather than a state of being within a human spectrum. I really enjoy the expansiveness of this. Thank you for sharing.

[bena]

For a very first poem, I must say this has to be practically genius. Trust me, I have read many many first poems and they usually make me violently ill. I just have to applaud you on this. It's obvious to me that you have extreme natural talent that just needs to be honed a bit. You must have read lots of "good" poetry before ever attempting your own, or this poem wouldn't be so damn good.
EDIT: all the first part is wrong due to my misreading, see below.

You already have some great advice. I disagree with Todd about the atom thing....I love it! Let's not dumb down poetry!

But I AGREE with him about the "and" line break.....the enjambment does not work here as it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.

First stanza (you might see S1---that's what it means) has glorious imagery. I was right there with you.

S2---the splitting tree is just brilliant.

Ending is sad, but appropriate.

I don't do glowing reviews often, trust me, I'm the mean harsh woman, so you really have something here.

BUT freaking hate the title!!!! It's so emo!!!! I almost didn't read because of it, and that would have been a shame.
I have a suggestion, because I happen to love the word....how about "deliquesce"

It sticks with the theme of science/nature and it is a beautiful word, isn't it.

I've rambled on enough. Welcome to the Pen...I truly hope to see more from you.



bena


EDIT: sorry, I misread your statement and thought this was your first poem (not the first one you are proud of)---but all my ramblings still stand, this is good. You have every right to be proud!!

[FractalPacifist]

This is beautiful! I say keep the line about atoms, it fits in surprisingly well with the rest of the natural imagery.

Got a few comments for ya ^_^

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before can't decide if I like the hanging word "before" here. It tripped me up in the reading.
sinking to vaporous oceans. Love the consonance of the "V"s and "S"s between this and the last line..

I want nature to scream, and
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept, I'm not a fan of this comma.
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale — Love the ending.

[tectak]

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale —

Hi make,
The critique on this piece has been justifiably favourable. There are no glaringly obvious areas where improvements could, or should, be made. Notwithstanding the incantation much voiced by bena to trust her there are more reasons to trust yourself than any of the crits, because you have demonstrated an understanding of the poetic endeavour. Where is this going? Well, I am teleporting you to the Serious Workshopping forum. Not because you will get a more severe mauling in that other place, but because your poetry in this instance is an example to others who wish to write "seriously good" poetry.
Of course, if you do not feel comfortable in the Serious forum, just say.
Best,
tectak

---

I want to collapse, Strictly no comma necessary here. You have a line end plus a conjunction...that is quite enough
and seep between atoms
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before you are comparing by simile "seep"and "shifting". Change "shifting" to "shifts" and get bonus assonance
sinking to vaporous oceans. Read it out loud and tell me that oceans is better than seas

I want nature to scream, and never enjamb on a weak word...and "and" is the weakest.
"I want nature to scream
and strike me with lightning
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree.

Smear me across a thousand miles.
I want to be windswept,
and faceless. You lose rhythm here. There is an unatural breakdown in structure which is not pronounced enough to indicate intentionality. The next two lines are so isolated as to be inconsequential You could bring the thought home. Your poem:
"Smear me across a thousand miles;
I need to be everywhere.
I want to be windswept and faceless;
nothing yet everything."

As I said, your poem.



I want nothing,
and everything.

I want disintegration.

Exhale — Excellent ending but I have no idea what the dash is for

Hi mak,
A poem to be proud of. My suggestions are just that...suggestions. Never trust the crits Take from others what you can use and lose the rest. No one will be offended except milo but he is a very sensitive savant.
Best,
tectak

---

For a very first poem, I must say this has to be practically genius. Trust me, I have read many many first poems and they usually make me violently ill. I just have to applaud you on this. It's obvious to me that you have extreme natural talent that just needs to be honed a bit. You must have read lots of "good" poetry before ever attempting your own, or this poem wouldn't be so damn good.
EDIT: all the first part is wrong due to my misreading, see below.

You already have some great advice. I disagree with Todd about the atom thing....I love it! Let's not dumb down poetry!

But I AGREE with him about the "and" line break.....the enjambment does not work here as it doesn't seem to serve a purpose.

First stanza (you might see S1---that's what it means) has glorious imagery. I was right there with you.

S2---the splitting tree is just brilliant.

Ending is sad, but appropriate.

I don't do glowing reviews often, trust me, I'm the mean harsh woman, so you really have something here.

BUT freaking hate the title!!!! It's so emo!!!! I almost didn't read because of it, and that would have been a shame.
I have a suggestion, because I happen to love the word....how about "deliquesce"

It sticks with the theme of science/nature and it is a beautiful word, isn't it.

I've rambled on enough. Welcome to the Pen...I truly hope to see more from you.



bena


EDIT: sorry, I misread your statement and thought this was your first poem (not the first one you are proud of)---but all my ramblings still stand, this is good. You have every right to be proud!!

Ahhhh, bena.....you old coprinus, you! Trouble with "deliquesce" is that in organic matters it is of decay. I like the title, but "Sublimating" might satisfy you!
Best both,
tectak

[bena]

OOoooh. I do like Sublimating. and stop calling me fungi that I have to look up! I studied zoology, dammit!

[tigrflye]

I want to collapse, I don't like this comma
and seep between atoms I love the idea of dissolving into the atom. I'm just not sold on "seep". I wish I had a better word for you
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and I don't like this comma. I don't like it ending with "and"
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree. love the tree

Smear me across a thousand miles.yes
I want to be windswept,I don't like this comma
and faceless.

I want nothing,eh..vague..boring.. I would lose these two lines. They
and everything.seem to sum up your poem.. isn't this what you are trying to convey within the rest of the poem, I want to FEEL this without you just plain old TELLING me. And I do. I feel it! You don't need this.

I want disintegration.

Exhale —yes.

[tectak]

OOoooh. I do like Sublimating. and stop calling me fungi that I have to look up! I studied zoology, dammit!

You started it.

[tectak]

OOoooh. I do like Sublimating. and stop calling me fungi that I have to look up! I studied zoology, dammit!

Yeh....I studied Irish girls who wore tights and short skirts... but it didn't make me Lord of the Dance.
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

OOoooh. I do like Sublimating. and stop calling me fungi that I have to look up! I studied zoology, dammit!

Yeh....I studied Irish girls who wore tights and short skirts... but it didn't make me Lord of the Dance.
tectak

You dirty old fungal Inspector!

(Do you need an assistant?)

[SimikPK]

I want to collapse,
and seep between atoms what about "among" atoms, unless intentional
like mountain mist
shifting through valleys, before
sinking to vaporous oceans.

I want nature to scream, and agree with the rest
strike me with her lighting,
so that I might split
like a backyard tree. very nice image, but it is so unlike "atoms", it might somehow disturb the unity of the imagery. I have no problems with those spatially big, which are less specific than "backyard tree"

Smear me across a thousand miles. thousand miles sounds little like a cliche to me
I want to be windswept,
and faceless.

I want nothing,
and everything. cliche. really.

I want disintegration. I would consider removing this one, but the word disintegration works well, it might be the connector of "nature" and "atomsô

Exhale —