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I`m a prisoner of my mind
trapped in my own thoughts
trying to dodge vulgar
comments from the past
that are still in effect
that still haunt my mind
I`m locked in deep
suffocated by words
that viciously despair
my noggin
I`m a prisoner of my mind
waiting to break free
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
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(06-06-2010, 02:01 PM)Loveblind Wrote: I`m a prisoner of my mind
trapped in my own thoughts
trying to dodge vulgar
comments from the past
that are still in effect
that still haunt my mind
I`m locked in deep
suffocated by words
that viciously despair
my noggin
I`m a prisoner of my mind
waiting to break free
the word noggin feels a little out of place LB
would the last two lines be better on their own.
Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(06-06-2010, 02:01 PM)Loveblind Wrote: I`m a prisoner of my mind
trapped in my own thoughts
trying to dodge vulgar
comments from the past
that are still in effect
that still haunt my mind
I`m locked in deep
suffocated by words
that viciously despair
my noggin
I`m a prisoner of my mind
waiting to break free
about noggin;
nog·gin (nŏgˈĭn)
noun
1. A small mug or cup.
2. A unit of liquid measure equal to one quarter of a pint.
3. Slang The human head.
somehow for me the poem feels too serious to use a word like noggin.
the preceding lines;
I`m locked in deep
suffocated by words
that viciously despair
don't fit with
my noggin
it's needs one more line such as
banging round inside
or some such.
it's just my opinion though LB and you're always the boss
Posts: 54
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No lol haha I had understand , I just wasn't sure by --> would the last two lines be better on their own.
but thanks...
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Yes, I agree that the word noggin is out of place. I like that you kept the lines short, keeping the desperate pace of the poem
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Again, everyone's right on the money with "noggin". But I think you show special promise, Loveblind. Far as I can tell, you just need very minor vocabulary and line break tweaking in your work. Lovely language use for such a theme. Well done.
