Under Trees (edit #1)

[ellajam]

edit #1


Hundred-ringed trunks lean,
limbs stretched north in unison,
full force tug on roots' stronghold.
We listen closely,
hoping not to hear
the roar of brutes unloosed.




original

Fear rises as winds increase.
Hundred-ringed trunks lean,
limbs stretched north in unison,
full force tug on roots' stronghold.
We listen closely,
hoping not to hear
the roar of giants unbound.

[cidermaid]

Hi ella,

I thought that perhaps the first line might not be needed at all, and that you could start with
A hundred-ringed trunks lean, As this will make a much stronger start and for me carries the image of mature trees in a gale, so making the first line redundant.

My other thought is that your last word (Unbound) does not sound /feel quite right here.
All the best AJ.

[ellajam]

Thanks, AJ, hope your mom is well. I agree about the first line, good point, thanks. I liked unbound, I'll think about that. Your opinion is appreciated.

[Erthona]

el,

A suggestion on the last part to make the shift clearer.

Listening closely,
we hope not to hear
the roar of giants unbounded.

Also. "Unbounded" works better here I think, both in definition and as an adjective.

I do like the idea and the personification, but I have always been a sucker for elementalism.

Dale

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading, Erthona, unbounded never came to tongue or mind.
I'll work on it.

[bena]

I love the revision and the imagery is thick...the one thing that sticks out to me is the last word "unloosed"==

I can't say why it bothers me, and perhaps it is just a me thing, leave it if you wish. For some reason unknown to me I want to see it as "unleashed"


2 cents...not worth much these days.

bena

[ellajam]

I love the revision and the imagery is thick...the one thing that sticks out to me is the last word "unloosed"==

I can't say why it bothers me, and perhaps it is just a me thing, leave it if you wish. For some reason unknown to me I want to see it as "unleashed"


2 cents...not worth much these days.

bena

Ah, that last word, blame AJ and Erthona. . They got me thinking of words for unbound/unbounded and brutes unloosed made me grin, a funny mouthful. Again I'll think on it, but I tend to be too quick to edit, so I'll wait a bit. Thanks for reading.

[JunKai]

I feel like I'm there with you. I agree that dropping the first line helped. I'm wondering if "stretching" might be an improvement over "stretched" and "tugging" over "tug", giving the scene the physical movement the experience must have had. "Brutes" is an interesting choice. The trees you describe seem more majestic than brutish. Also, unloosed and unbound suggest freedom with a positive connotation, whereas here I sense instead that they're at risk of being "razed", which would provide also some alliteration w/ "roar". Would you consider "...the roar of majesty razed"? I think that’s what is really feared here. Think I'll go put on a jacket. : )

JunKai

[ellajam]

I feel like I'm there with you. I agree that dropping the first line helped. I'm wondering if "stretching" might be an improvement over "stretched" and "tugging" over "tug", giving the scene the physical movement the experience must have had. "Brutes" is an interesting choice. The trees you describe seem more majestic than brutish. Also, unloosed and unbound suggest freedom with a positive connotation, whereas here I sense instead that they're at risk of being "razed", which would provide also some alliteration w/ "roar". Would you consider "...the roar of majesty razed"? I think that’s what is really feared here. Think I'll go put on a jacket. : )

JunKai

Ha, they're majestic every day except the one when they come crashing down destroying everything in their path, then they're brutish.

Raze is interesting, but to me seems more intentional than I'm looking for. I'll keep turning it in my head.

Thanks for reading and the food for thought.

[there's-a-war-in-my-mind]

yay trees ))) i like this v much