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rewrite
Defilement is wrought there
On the Pristine Mountains, a whited grave
There is met the decaying stench
Of burning rust and leaden lakes
A sweltering atmosphere ignites the earth
As skies are crowned in bolts of blazing light
Threshing gears and violent steel
Alive; spewing oil with each choked breath
Machinations of another kind, unreal
Given life by those who brandish death
Sullen people lie in stupor, pallid
Unknowingly, they await a coming storm to drown
And cast away the evils that dwell in the Towers of Gold
Where cannibalism has taken root
(unfinished)
original
I await the coming storm
And the change it brings to us
A spell is cast
Empire ravaged by pummeling gale
Summoning frost
Metropolis bled by sharpened hail
I embrace the winds of change
Formed in time by ancestral rage
Glacial downpour
Mage winds topple the Towers of Gold
Powers that were
Cannibalized by ego and pride
Blackened skies by Man’s design
Crown the earth with bolts of light
Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides
Hailed by decaying stench of rust and leaden lakes
Twisted wires mangled twixt the monolithic trees
Mages test the strength of Man now weakened by disease
Threshing maw and gnashing steel spew oil with each breath
Machinations given life by those who brandish death
Staff-flung boulders clear a path through black machines of hate
In the throes of this last stand a sullen people wait
Hoping against hope that this war will be the last
A ritual of solemn grief now given to the past
We have braved a dismal age
And have gained ancient knowledge
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I enjoyed the descriptive language used, like "Metropolis bled by sharpened hail." It feels like you've got a very strong image in your mind that you want to convey.
That said, I'm not sure where the purpose behind the piece lies. Is it strictly a fantasy tale, or an allegory for something else? Depending on which way you want to go with it, my advice might change.
If you're looking to tell a fantasy story, even though this is a poem I'd still like a stronger representation of character. There's an "I" here, someone telling the story. Is he the one causing the destruction, or the one witnessing it? Are you drifting in and out of various points of view? If he's on one specific side of the war, which is it on?
It boils down to the fact that you've got a beautiful (if grim) image here, but it needs a little more kick to it. If you can develop a small personal connection to the story teller in some fashion, you'll draw in the reader. Since this is a poem and not a long story, you don't need to give us the entire back story behind things, but try adding a little clarifying detail.
Other thoughts: It looks like you're going for some form of structure here, either in verse length or rhyme. I'd tighten that up as much as possible in the next version. If you ever set this to music, it would make an excellent fantasy metal song.
Sorry if I was long-winded. I got a little caught up in your imagery... I'm a fantasy fan myself. ^_^
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I do plan on setting this to black/power/viking(ish) metal music, I already have guitar parts for it. I appreciate what you have to say, and I think this is limited by the structure of the song as these are song lyrics. I'll try to edit it more as a poem in a timely manner.
No need to apologize, if you had a lot to say I'll take it as a good thing. I will say this is partly influenced by some of Ursula Le Guin's stories. And of course, metal.
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91,
Generally when poets use images, metaphors, etc., it is to relate something difficult to describe that exists in experience. Here you use apocalyptic images to describe a fantasy that exist only for you. What you are trying here is different than when a poet uses such scenes. There is subtext when a poet uses the fantastic, he is not using it just to tell a fantastic tale. This technique is often used to get below people's defenses or prejudices in order that they may be receptive to the idea that is being promoted (analogy or allegory). This is true of Le Guin stories, as she explores various aspects of the human condition such as human sexuality and feminism in "Left Hand of Darkness". What is absent in your poem is this kind of subtext, it lacks the depth that makes LeGuin's stories interesting.
Song lyrics are generally held to a lesser standard than are poems, as it is often alright just to create image sketches, or be mysteriously ambiguous with lyrics as the music helps to fill in the blanks. Poetry needs to be more as it does not have the music to give it an emotional/or intellectual tone. There is no driving beat to generate energy. The words of the poem must be sufficient for these things as it has no music to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I have great respect for lyrics, but they have a different set of responsibilities to fulfill (especially today), and ultimately they must be subservient to the music. A poem is self-contained.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(10-01-2013, 02:10 AM)Erthona Wrote: 91,
Generally when poets use images, metaphors, etc., it is to relate something difficult to describe that exists in experience. Here you use apocalyptic images to describe a fantasy that exist only for you. What you are trying here is different than when a poet uses such scenes. There is subtext when a poet uses the fantastic, he is not using it just to tell a fantastic tale. This technique is often used to get below people's defenses or prejudices in order that they may be receptive to the idea that is being promoted (analogy or allegory). This is true of Le Guin stories, as she explores various aspects of the human condition such as human sexuality and feminism in "Left Hand of Darkness". What is absent in your poem is this kind of subtext, it lacks the depth that makes LeGuin's stories interesting.
Song lyrics are generally held to a lesser standard than are poems, as it is often alright just to create image sketches, or be mysteriously ambiguous with lyrics as the music helps to fill in the blanks. Poetry needs to be more as it does not have the music to give it an emotional/or intellectual tone. There is no driving beat to generate energy. The words of the poem must be sufficient for these things as it has no music to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I have great respect for lyrics, but they have a different set of responsibilities to fulfill (especially today), and ultimately they must be subservient to the music. A poem is self-contained.
Dale
I don't disagree with anything you said, in fact that is a great analysis and summary. Like previously mentioned, these are lyrics and posted as such to get feedback and edit this with more poetic qualities. Also, I think you gave good advice. Thanks for the "Left Hand of Darkness" reference, I'll have to check it out.
