Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
He watched the earth
and His eyes were filled with fear
How can love and joy that easily dissapear
They dream of wings; they dream of skies
Why would a man want that disguise?
They always desired to follow Daedalus's steps
Why are people so shallow?
After so many years you still are so callow!
Can't you see?
You are bound to earth, you can't break free!
And, near the man who desired a disguise
Strolls a beautiful dove
Who, with her glorious wings, was meant to rise
Though She never could have
All her life she wept for this moment
A walk on the earth;
A dream of her own
And he still looks for them
His eyes still have not forgotten the fear
But he knows why aren't they satisfied
They are not themselves and they search for truth
For something they hold dear
Which will forever be
their eternal youth
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
![[Image: ZHB2W.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZHB2W.jpg)
Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
Please some feedback.
Yep, I'm awesome at making signatures too, be jealous :p
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-02-2013, 11:24 PM)Sonata Wrote: He watched the earth -He can often be improved upon by replacing it with the name of a specific person
and His eyes were filled with fear
How can love and joy that easily dissapear - You have an unfinished question or your syntax is messed up maybe get rid of the word "that" and adding a question mark
They dream of wings; they dream of skies
Why would a man want that disguise?
They always desired to follow Daedalus's steps -- Are you referring to the flight of Icarus here? If so, you kind of bring in the mythic figure but don't really say much about him.
Why are people so shallow? -This question is very general and doesn't add much to the poem.
After so many years you still are so callow! - Remember to consider meter when using rhymes.
Can't you see?
You are bound to earth, you can't break free!
And, near the man who desired a disguise
Strolls a beautiful dove
Who, with her glorious wings, was meant to rise
Though She never could have
All her life she wept for this moment
A walk on the earth;
A dream of her own
And he still looks for them
His eyes still have not forgotten the fear
But he knows why aren't they satisfied -There is something wrong with your grammar in this line maybe your missing punctuation.
They are not themselves and they search for truth - Who is they referring to?
For something they hold dear
Which will forever be
their eternal youth
This poem is very messy and confusing but with some work you might be able to improve. I suggest looking into using meter. To write good respectable free verse means that you are being innovative and that would imply that you still know the existing poetic tools. Good Luck.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(06-11-2013, 02:02 AM)Sonata Wrote: Please some feedback.
Don't ask for what you won't give yourself.
It could be worse
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-02-2013, 11:24 PM)Sonata Wrote: He watched the earth
and His eyes were filled with fear
How can love and joy that easily dissapear
They dream of wings; they dream of skies
Why would a man want that disguise?
They always desired to follow Daedalus's steps
Why are people so shallow?
After so many years you still are so callow!
Can't you see?
You are bound to earth, you can't break free!
And, near the man who desired a disguise
Strolls a beautiful dove
Who, with her glorious wings, was meant to rise
Though She never could have
All her life she wept for this moment
A walk on the earth;
A dream of her own
And he still looks for them
His eyes still have not forgotten the fear
But he knows why aren't they satisfied
They are not themselves and they search for truth
For something they hold dear
Which will forever be
their eternal youth
Sonata,
You are not using this site in the spirit it was intended. You have posted this in the Serious Workshopping Forum without even a cursory glance at the rules.
You are not GIVING feedback yet you expect the crits to correct your "work" at a very basic level. This is not a Homework Correction Facility.
Go away, READ THIS OUT LOUD, correct basic spelling (dissapear), cut out all forced rhymes ( shallow/callow) or ALL rhymes to be consistent, decide whether or not you are going to punctuate, sort out your random capitalising (he,He,his,her, She), correct your word use ( His eyes still have not forgotten the fear But he knows why aren't they satisfied...huh!)
When you have done all that, give some other poster the benefit of your collected wisdom before reposting in the forum which you think most suits your requirements. Please take these comments as advice but react to them as a warning...I have given you help in the past but other mods may not look so kindly on you.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
What he said.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
