mid-lecture thoughts

[soxboy3]

Auburn leaves, relive memories past
What was so close is now miles gone
There was barely a smell on your breath
There was barely a wobble in your walk
Now there's despair in my thoughts
I'm sure it doesn't cross your mind
My Auburn fling.

[cidermaid]

Hi soxboy and welcome to the site, great to see you already joining in with offering crit and posting your poems.
I thought this was a nice little memory slide image. i think you could do a bit of trimming on a few of the lines to help reduce some repeated words. and tighten it up a little. Also just a personal preferance thing but i think that the use of capitol letter to start each line is rather dated. i appreciate that in this case each line is a clause with a obvious period place, but as you have not used them it just looks odd to me.

I'll offer a couple of pointers where i think lines could be improved. JMO

Auburn leaves, relive memories past I like your opening line. The use of the colour to describe the season of change and passing over and (as is later identified the hair colour is a nice double meaning.
What was so close is now miles gone This line is ok, but miles gone feels a bit tired as a image, perhaps there is something else you could use. After the use of Auburn I am already onto leaves so composting or last years ask feed.. or someother image concerning a time lapse process conected to nature might work...just a thought this is your poem.
There was barely a smell on your breath
There was barely a wobble in your walk Think you could loose the second "there was" and add punctuation for clarity.
Now there's despair in my thoughts Same here, think you could loose the second use of now. Either start with "There's..." or another suggestion I'm in despair, I don't suppose I cross your mind;
I'm sure it doesn't cross your mind
My Auburn fling. Like the simple statement of your last line.

Hope these comments might be of some help.
All the best AJ

[expiring_touch]

Hi soxboy and welcome to the site, great to see you already joining in with offering crit and posting your poems.
I thought this was a nice little memory slide image. i think you could do a bit of trimming on a few of the lines to help reduce some repeated words. and tighten it up a little. Also just a personal preferance thing but i think that the use of capitol letter to start each line is rather dated. i appreciate that in this case each line is a clause with a obvious period place, but as you have not used them it just looks odd to me.

I'll offer a couple of pointers where i think lines could be improved. JMO

Auburn leaves, relive memories past I like your opening line. The use of the colour to describe the season of change and passing over and (as is later identified the hair colour is a nice double meaning.
What was so close is now miles gone This line is ok, but miles gone feels a bit tired as a image, perhaps there is something else you could use. After the use of Auburn I am already onto leaves so composting or last years ask feed.. or someother image concerning a time lapse process conected to nature might work...just a thought this is your poem.
There was barely a smell on your breath
There was barely a wobble in your walk Think you could loose the second "there was" and add punctuation for clarity.
Now there's despair in my thoughts Same here, think you could loose the second use of now. Either start with "There's..." or another suggestion I'm in despair, I don't suppose I cross your mind;
I'm sure it doesn't cross your mind
My Auburn fling. Like the simple statement of your last line.

Hope these comments might be of some help.
All the best AJ

hi, i love how this poem reads and feels. it is simple, intentionally so, which is why i can slide by the cliche reference to miles, or the generic 'relived memories', and I am rewarded by what follows (from line 3 till the end). I wouldnt change a thing there, I think there's a perfect balance, in flow and imagery -- which is why I disagree with the previous reviewer -- I like the repetion of 'there was', i think it lends an airy transparent quality to the whole piece (even despair isnt yours, it's in your thoughts which you observe with a kind of meditative detachment), and ' tightening it up' is about the worse thing you can do to this poem. True there are poems which are piercing in how swiftly and how densely they send their heartbreak (existential, or personal, or both), but this -- this mid-autumn reverie -- is not it. So I would only try and rework the first 2 lines, and leave the rest as is... But my poet-self kind of understands why you went with the cliches: it was an easy opening to slip into your poetry-writing state of mind -- but now it@s time to come back and revise them! Good luck!