One Night (edit #2)

[Malu]

Thank you Malu and billy, you've given me some challenges, ( who knew "pre-baby days" was so confusing ? ). I'll start thinking on it, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

No problem and hey! I'm in the same boat haha

[ellajam]

I tried to edit a little more gently this time.

[milo]

edit #1

huddling
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Now I see why you didn't understand the break on skipped. It needs to suggest at first that they could be skipping.

huddling
getaway planned, they skipped
the town fireworks


Of course, if I am reading it wonder what a "huddling getaway" is but that could just be me . . .

Etc.

[ellajam]

edit #1

huddling,
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Now I see why you didn't understand the break on skipped. It needs to suggest at first that they could be skipping.

huddling
getaway planned, they skipped
the town fireworks


Of course, if I am reading it wonder what a "huddling getaway" is but that could just be me . . .

Etc.

Aaarrrgggghhhh (it is national speak like a pirate day, says the "news")

Original:
huddling
they planned their getaway

I was looking for an image of heads together, whispering, making a plan. Maybe they conspired, but I originally thought huddling was more visual.

aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

huddling,
getaway planned, they skipped
small town fireworks
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

It lets me put small back in. Maybe. Is it a given "no punctuation or all"? I always used it willy-nilly, do I have to now add commas and periods throughout?

[milo]

edit #1

huddling,
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Now I see why you didn't understand the break on skipped. It needs to suggest at first that they could be skipping.

huddling
getaway planned, they skipped
the town fireworks


Of course, if I am reading it wonder what a "huddling getaway" is but that could just be me . . .

Etc.

Aaarrrgggghhhh (it is national speak like a pirate day, says the "news")

Original:
huddling
they planned their getaway

I was looking for an image of heads together, whispering, making a plan. Maybe they conspired, but I originally thought huddling was more visual.

aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

huddling,
getaway planned, they skipped
small town fireworks
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

It lets me put small back in. Maybe. Is it a given "no punctuation or all"? I always used it willy-nilly, do I have to now add commas and periods throughout?

You can do whatever you want, it's your poem but you should have a reason for your choice. I am curious how you think eliminating punctuation helps this poem.

[ellajam]

Now I see why you didn't understand the break on skipped. It needs to suggest at first that they could be skipping.

huddling
getaway planned, they skipped
the town fireworks


Of course, if I am reading it wonder what a "huddling getaway" is but that could just be me . . .

Etc.

Aaarrrgggghhhh (it is national speak like a pirate day, says the "news")

Original:
huddling
they planned their getaway

I was looking for an image of heads together, whispering, making a plan. Maybe they conspired, but I originally thought huddling was more visual.

aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

huddling,
getaway planned, they skipped
small town fireworks
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

It lets me put small back in. Maybe. Is it a given "no punctuation or all"? I always used it willy-nilly, do I have to now add commas and periods throughout?

You can do whatever you want, it's your poem but you should have a reason for your choice. I am curious how you think eliminating punctuation helps this poem.

ha, good question. For this poem, I have to think about. I think I always use punctuation only when necessary the same way I like to use the minimum of words (though obviously not minimal enough based on all the notes). I'm not saying this is a smart move, just the way I've done it. I'll try some punctuation and see how it goes.

[ellajam]

You can do whatever you want, it's your poem but you should have a reason for your choice. I am curious how you think eliminating punctuation helps this poem.

Well, I can't say I know how it helps this specific poem, so I'm trying it. I think the only way to figure out where I stand on this is to start paying attention to it while reading and really observe its effects. I may be too close to my own poems to tell whether it adds or detracts.

Thanks for the lead.

[ellajam]

edit #2

Huddling to plan
their escape, they skipped
small town fireworks,
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days.

Hair forced into style
little dress over long legs,
she kisses her boy goodbye,
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy,
leaves her phone home.

They walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree,
love and lust jersey heat.
Girls eye him, guys eye her
young and gorgeous,
out late but not
as late as expected.


yaaahh, my ability to punctuate is rusty to say the least

edit #1

huddling
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Original

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

I like all three of these, my favorite is edit #1. My only suggestion is to take notice of the tense. The first verse starts in present tense (huddling), as if to say they are planning at this moment, then skips to past tense (fireworks skipped). It seems to me that 'huddling' could be changed to: In huddle/ Through huddle/ Heads together/ etc. Overall, I think it's an original piece and I like it.

Thanks for reading, Chris, and for your comments. I'm finding editing confusing at times and really appreciate opinions on which edit works best. Any opinion on punctuation?

[Spikerider]

edit #2

Huddling to plan
their escape, they skipped
small town fireworks,
headed for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days.

Hair forced into style
little dress over long legs,
she kisses her boy goodbye,
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy,
leaves her phone home.

They walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree,
love and lust jersey heat.
Girls eye him, guys eye her
young and gorgeous,
out late but not
as late as expected.


yaaahh, my ability to punctuate is rusty to say the least

edit #1

huddling
getaway planned
town fireworks skipped
they head for the shore
to stroll arcades
like in childless days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promises to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

Original

huddling
they planned their getaway
foregoing small town fireworks
dreaming of the shore
of strolling arcades
pre-baby days

hair forced into style
little dress over long legs
she kisses her boy goodbye
promising to win him
a small stuffed toy
leaves her phone home

they walk the dark night
a bit of the old carefree
love and lust jersey heat
girls eye him guys eye her
young and gorgeous
out late, but not
as late as expected

just a suggestion... the thought of heading to the carnival or fair & telling my BOY where I was going & leaving him behind is MEAN to say the least..! could that be changed to NEWBORN/INFANT in diapers left w/ a sitter instead

[ellajam]

just a suggestion... the thought of heading to the carnival or fair & telling my BOY where I was going & leaving him behind is MEAN to say the least..! could that be changed to NEWBORN/INFANT in diapers left w/ a sitter instead

ha, don't worry, he was a toddler already in bed and grandpa was babysitting.

Grownups are allowed to have fun too. Happy parents, happy child.