One step closer.

[Savanna]

Sitting in this fear,
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know

Their is calm,
afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool

You see it all
yet it holds you back,
perhaps you haven't
found your track

That path where endless
potential roams,
It can't be seen,
your hesitation groans

As you sit inside this void,
where all is heard,
their is a noise

A gentle nudge,
that says your home,
yet within your heart
you feel alone

In this feeling
it is only that,
to remind you of,
your hidden trap

The self realized,
stirs within,
the old self died,
yet the tomb begins

To reveal that death
will often show,
the remnants of,
that space you know

The one that means,
so much to you,
a special move
that you know is true


True to your heart,
I guess one knows,
how fear can hold
in places closed

Lost long ago,
lost and found,
the memory often,
ties and bounds

As each thread lingers,
each tie undone,
brings the space to move,
closer to the one.

[rowens]

Sitting in this fear,
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know

Their is calm,
There

afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool

You see it all
yet it holds you back,
perhaps you haven't
found your track

That path where endless
potential roams,
It can't be seen,
your hesitation groans
The rhymes are getting clumsy.


As you sit inside this void,
where all is heard,
their is a noise
there

A gentle nudge,
that says your home,
you're

yet within your heart
you feel alone

In this feeling
it is only that,
to remind you of,
your hidden trap
You don't need a comma after of.

The self realized,
stirs within,
the old self died,
yet the tomb begins

To reveal that death
will often show,
the remnants of,
that space you know
You don't need a comma after of here either. The way things are being worded is kind of strange. The punctuation is too.


The one that means,
so much to you,
a special move
that you know is true
The commas are out of place.


True to your heart,
I guess one knows,
how fear can hold
in places closed

Lost long ago,
lost and found,
the memory often,
ties and bounds

As each thread lingers,
each tie undone,
brings the space to move,
closer to the one.

I'll come back to this. It seems like it has more things wrong with it. But it might just be me. Maybe there's something going on with all those commas that I'm too distracted to see at the moment. So I'll look again later.

[Savanna]

I prefer to write no punctuation at all, so as you see its a stuff up at times, because I hate them..lol.

As for the *there* spelling, I will learn that one eventually....*winks*

And as for any positive feedback, well perhaps there is none..lol.

Oh well..but thank you for reading and fixing my mistakes.

---

Sitting in this fear,
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know

There is calm,
afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares
you are no fool

I see it all
yet it holds me back,
perhaps I haven't
found my track

That path where endless
potential roams,
It can't be seen
I hesitate,
it's all unknown

As I sit inside this void,
where all is heard,
there is a noise

A gentle nudge,
that says I'm home,
yet within my heart
I feel alone

In this feeling
it is only that,
to remind me of
my own trap

The self realized
stirs within,
the old self died,
yet the tomb begins

To reveal that death
will often show,
the remnants of
that space I know

The one that means
so much to me,
a special move
that will set me free


True to my heart,
I guess I know,
how fear can hold
in places closed

Long ago,
lost and found,
the memory often
ties and bounds

Each thread lingering
each tie undone,
brings the space to move
closer to the one.

[Erthona]

Hi there,

Meter is often difficult, but worth the work, so I commend you on doing so. It appears you are writing in "trochee dimeter".

You may know the following already, but in case you do not:
Trochee is a two syllable meter composed of a "hard" or accented syllable followed by a "soft" or non-acented syllable, such as in the word "sitting" [sit-ing]. These two syllables together constitute one foot. "Dimeter" is composed of two feet. Thus when a line is composed of trochee and is two feet long it is refereed to as "trochee dimeter".

I'll make some edits in the first few stanzas to regularize it into trochee dimeter to give you some examples of how it looks and sounds. When a person appears to be writing in a formal meter, but then goes off meter, it causes a hesitation in the reading, which is not usually considered optimal.
Although you are fairly close, there are enough times when you are not that it really hinders the reading. Hopefully you will find this of some benefit.

Dale
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[quote='Savanna' pid='139354' dateline='1379117314']

Sitting in fear,
as all unfolds
before my eyes,
emotions know

There is calm,
afraid, to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool

You see it all
it holds you back,
perhaps you have
not found your track

----------------------------
original

Sitting in this fear,
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know

Their is calm,
afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool

You see it all
yet it holds you back,
perhaps you haven't
found your track

[Savanna]

Wow, the changes you made, have made a difference in the flow and connection, so thank you.

I had no idea about the various techniques you mentioned. What comes from me, just flows rather fast, their is no technique in mind, but what you have shared helps me to learn what it is I am doing and could be doing. Thankyou.

[milo]

Hi there,

Meter is often difficult, but worth the work, so I commend you on doing so. It appears you are writing in "trochee dimeter".

You may know the following already, but in case you do not:
Trochee is a two syllable meter composed of a "hard" or accented syllable followed by a "soft" or non-acented syllable, such as in the word "sitting" [sit-ing]. These two syllables together constitute one foot. "Dimeter" is composed of two feet. Thus when a line is composed of trochee and is two feet long it is refereed to as "trochee dimeter".

I'll make some edits in the first few stanzas to regularize it into trochee dimeter to give you some examples of how it looks and sounds. When a person appears to be writing in a formal meter, but then goes off meter, it causes a hesitation in the reading, which is not usually considered optimal.
Although you are fairly close, there are enough times when you are not that it really hinders the reading. Hopefully you will find this of some benefit.

Dale
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting in fear,
as all unfolds
before my eyes,
emotions know

There is calm,
afraid, to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool

You see it all
it holds you back,
perhaps you have
not found your track

(Ahem) not to be pedantic but you have rewritten it in mostly iambic dimeter.

---------------------------

[Erthona]

Dyslexia, sometimes it is worse than at other times. I guess I was just thinking of the "sitting" which is trochee, but then it does mostly go in iambs. Of course I would have had to change her words to make it one way or the other. I think this reads smoothly enough,

but yes, Savanna it is mostly in iambs, and not trochee, my mistake.

Dale