devil on my shoe

[ScurryFunger]

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene.
Splatter patterns of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?
A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

[ellajam]

There is so much here that is really effective. I am a novice critic but here are my thoughts.

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene.
Splatter patterns of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

Changing scattered for splattered right off the bat would get your point across strongly and allow the elimination of the next line, we would get it.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?

I get the above six lines, but feel there must be more succinct way to say it, I'm just not a good enough poet to suggest how.

A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

what were they faced with?

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

The end sort of lost me

Thanks for the fine read.

[ScurryFunger]

There is so much here that is really effective. I am a novice critic but here are my thoughts.

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene.
Splatter patterns of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

Changing scattered for splattered right off the bat would get your point across strongly and allow the elimination of the next line, we would get it.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?

I get the above six lines, but feel there must be more succinct way to say it, I'm just not a good enough poet to suggest how.

A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

what were they faced with?

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

The end sort of lost me

Thanks for the fine read.

Thanks for that.

Right

If I change it to splattered, right off the bat, how would I get to splayed and thrown and work the whole 'you built that wall, you bastard' thing in?

I wouldn't know succint if it came up and smacked me in the face with a wet kipper. (any suggestions welcome)

They were faced with nothingness!

How soon before the end did I lose you?

I would change stuff but I probably need more specifics, lol.

[ellajam]

There is so much here that is really effective. I am a novice critic but here are my thoughts.

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene.
Splatter patterns of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

Changing scattered for splattered right off the bat would get your point across strongly and allow the elimination of the next line, we would get it.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?

I get the above six lines, but feel there must be more succinct way to say it, I'm just not a good enough poet to suggest how.

A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

what were they faced with?

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

The end sort of lost me

Thanks for the fine read.

Thanks for that.

Right

If I change it to splattered, right off the bat, how would I get to splayed and thrown and work the whole 'you built that wall, you bastard' thing in?

I wouldn't know succint if it came up and smacked me in the face with a wet kipper. (any suggestions welcome)

They were faced with nothingness!

How soon before the end did I lose you?

I would change stuff but I probably need more specifics, lol.

maybe:

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding 
of human nature was splattered,
splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

Maybe it's just me, but splattered says it all.

I guess it ended for me after "A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease."

I really like this story and the way you tell it. I hope someone comes along with some advice to help you tighten it up a little.

[Nick]

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene./ blood of a 'bullet
Splatter patterns of her emotions/ A splatter pattern of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall/ was sprayed on the wall
that was built between them./ that they had built between them
His lame attempt to join the dots/ His desperate attempts
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?
A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

There are a few of my line thoughts (ain't figured out the bold type thing yet).

Like the other commenter commented, man this thing is word thick.

Thanks for the read.

Nick

[Spikerider]

Bit by bit by bit by...
her warmth and understanding
of human nature was scattered,
like the blood in a 'bullet to the head' crime scene.
Splatter patterns of her emotions
were splayed and thrown on a wall
that was built between them.
His lame attempt to join the dots
to make a haphazard picture
of what he felt went unnoticed.

She, on the other side,
made larger than life banners
in letters ten feet tall and exclaimed
and proclaimed her love.
Had there been a mountain,
she would have floated to the top
and stood shouting,
but there was only the un-scaleable wall.

So, tell me,
how sincere do you think she was?

Was she just an ego massager extrodinaire,
gifted at pretence,
able to tailor herself to his wanting whims
at leisure?
A devil, clicking at her heels,
overthrowing her angelic tendencies with ease.
Ah, how much easier it would be,
to believe in something other than
what they were faced with.

Nothingness is never appealing.
How much can a person handle,
before tipping over the edge
into the proverbial abyss of legend.
A defence mechanism worthy of a superpower,
that's what it was.

Little doubt about it.

as a woman... (who hunts deer... the blood/to head crime scene LINE, lead me straight from where you left me before (= at an emotional problem or discrepancy) I was lead down a path that really is a physical event from the emotional event of "loss". I immediately thought of physical abuse when blood & wall were mentioned. now maybe this is because I was severely abused in my 20's by my then husband but it was a place I didn't think I was headed w/ the 1st few lines...!!!
You are trying to shed light on a non-physical (=emotional) state by speaking of physical things NOT NEEDED for illumination of your point>>!! I know you started with blood spatter to be able to use the "DOTS" metaphor. But try a diff approach w/o Dots.
All the WALL mentions are on point ;-) !!!! I eagerly await your edit!!! even if you ignore me.. for I really like the theme of your poetic words..!!!!