Ole Torkelson's Broken Loo (Dialect)

[Snowbells]

(slightly revised version)

Dat ol’ loo in de house got broke; so
I dug a pit sum six feet deep
an den four feet each way, an put
across a plank, which wuz darn cheap.

Vell, yu know, dat certain moment
comes; I let my ol suspenders hang
an drop my B’Gosh Oshgosh jeans,
an den get set for the big shebang.

Vat do yu think? I squat the hole, an
by jeez, I hear not vun damn thing.
Den I look down at vat I’ve dun . . .
My tough suspender is a sling--

For slinging skit, by jeez!
An vorse—no vipe for viping here,
an no corn cob. I’m in a squeeze,
an jeez, de missus cannot hear.

Original (incomplete)

Dat ol’ loo in de house got broke; so
I dug a pit sum six feet deep an den four feet
each way, an put across a plank to sit.

Vell, yu know, dat certain moment
cumes; I let my ol suspenders hang
an drop my B’Gosh Oshgosh jeans,
an den get set for the shebang.

Vat do yu think? I squat the hole,
by jeez, I hear not vun damn thing.
Den I look down at vat I’ve dun . . .
My tough suspender is a sling--

For slinging skit, by jeez!
An vorse—no vipe for viping here,
an no corn cob. I’m in a squeeze,
an jeez, de missus cannot hear.

[Leanne]

A squeeze indeed!

It's always more difficult to critique poems that are written purely to amuse, especially in dialect like this. I do wonder why there's no rhyme in the first stanza, then you shift to ABCB -- it's a bit odd. Also, I'd say you can abandon the "dialect" and just write "comes" in S2. In S2L4 the meter seems quite off but other than "and get set for dat whole shebang" I can't think of a suggestion to fix it.

Small technical details aside, this is a funny (if slightly racist) piece with a very vivid image to finish.

[Snowbells]

Hi Leanne;
not intended to be in the least racist, lol. As a young feller I worked for this Minnesota farmer. That's basically how the man talked. The plot is my invention. I added the missing 4th line to the first verse. Originally as I copied it, I must have inadvertently deleted it. Normally I don't write potty poetry--except for this one. Thanks for reading; glad it amused. Much appreciated. Jerry

[Leanne]

PS. I didn't really think it was racist

[Snowbells]

No, Leanne, I know that. We're just having a little fun with dialects. Take care.
Jerry

PS. I didn't really think it was racist