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Muffled shouts and upstairs bumps,
heavy hands hit bruising thumps,
body dragged by clumps of hair,
whimpers spit from bloodied lips,
her beating close to breaking,
control now gone he carries on,
expression slips unconscious.
Two fish fingers and smiley faces,
run to find their hiding places,
terrified chants fill amber pants.
Don’t worry, we always get by,
look at me, boys don't cry.
The older one a gentle son,
runs to save his rag doll mum.
Achilles steps, flight unchecked,
stabs a bread knife in his neck,
splash patterns crime scene the wall,
emergency services won’t be called,
laddered tights, she staggers to stand,
held up straight by smaller hands,
Oh dear god, just leave him with me;
you two please, go finish your tea.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Hi TOMH
Good title and strong visual story line.
A daft thought that came to me was that I saw another oportunity to offer a childs food in the 3rd stanza 3rd line. When I read "He did have the balls" my instant thought was of those little chicken kievs for kids. and I wanted the line to read "He didn't like chicken balls" (But not sure if it is common useage to call them chicken balls or if it was just my kids).
Enjoyed the read. Think perhaps this one needs a bit of adjustment with the comma / period use. (partic 1st stanza) Like the words used, just think needs smoothing.
All the best AJ.
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Has nice rhythm and rhyme, but the meaning alludes me
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(09-03-2013, 03:24 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi TOMH
Good title and strong visual story line.
A daft thought that came to me was that I saw another oportunity to offer a childs food in the 3rd stanza 3rd line. When I read "He did have the balls" my instant thought was of those little chicken kievs for kids. and I wanted the line to read "He didn't like chicken balls" (But not sure if it is common useage to call them chicken balls or if it was just my kids).
Enjoyed the read. Think perhaps this one needs a bit of adjustment with the comma / period use. (partic 1st stanza) Like the words used, just think needs smoothing.
All the best AJ.
Many thanks AJ I have given this one an Edit not sure chicken balls fit now but I have heard of them. Thanks fo the heads up on comma usage. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(09-04-2013, 12:15 AM)Erthona Wrote: Has nice rhythm and rhyme, but the meaning alludes me
Dale
Thank you Dale for the feedback, I have tried to take the story line out of my head and more on the page, I hope the meaning is slightly clearer in the edit. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Really incredible piece, and the meaning shines through loud and clear to me. Such strong visuals and the ending really packs a punch. I enjoyed it.
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(09-11-2013, 02:12 AM)silverpoet Wrote: Really incredible piece, and the meaning shines through loud and clear to me. Such strong visuals and the ending really packs a punch. I enjoyed it.
Thank you Silverpoet its good to get feedback on the edit I wasn't sure it got the points across, so its good to know you get the meaning. Thanks TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I was lost with this line: expression slips unconscious. and this one: terrified chants fill amber pants.....filling pants makes me think somebody pooped their pants? What are achilles steps....are stairs vulnerable....maybe it is the footfalls themselves that are vulnerable? Did somebody become unconscious? Did a child get stabbed? or a doll? Is the action going on upstairs? or at the dining room table. I am lost. Sorry....but I LOVE the last two lines, and (what I think) is the concept.....that chaos is just another normal evening in a house full of healthy, rowdy kids. The first four lines I saw easily and really liked. But the body of the poem didn't help me see the action....and I could not tell whether we are talking about something really beyond the pale in behavior, or just some boo'boos. Maybe it can be made more visual.
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(09-11-2013, 09:51 PM)slanfia Wrote: I was lost with this line: expression slips unconscious. and this one: terrified chants fill amber pants.....filling pants makes me think somebody pooped their pants? What are achilles steps....are stairs vulnerable....maybe it is the footfalls themselves that are vulnerable? Did somebody become unconscious? Did a child get stabbed? or a doll? Is the action going on upstairs? or at the dining room table. I am lost. Sorry....but I LOVE the last two lines, and (what I think) is the concept.....that chaos is just another normal evening in a house full of healthy, rowdy kids. The first four lines I saw easily and really liked. But the body of the poem didn't help me see the action....and I could not tell whether we are talking about something really beyond the pale in behavior, or just some boo'boos. Maybe it can be made more visual.
Hi Slanfia and welcome
Thank you for your feedback it seems like dale you were confused by the poem and the meaning within it. I'm not sure this has the legs for further edits so it is one I will have to come back to. Many thanks TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
