What I'll Do

[silverpoet]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

[ellajam]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

I really like your description of the cave, the way songs burn, and your lines of healing at the end, but the last two lines just sunk, they state the obvious and for me added nothing.

I'm a newbie here too. someone will probably come along to remind you that a major rule here is critiquing someone else's poem before posting your own. Welcome

[silverpoet]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

I really like your description of the cave, the way songs burn, and your lines of healing at the end, but the last two line just sunk, they state the obvious and for me added nothing.

I'm a newbie here too. someone will probably come along to remind you that a major rule here is critiquing someone else's poem before posting your own. Welcome

I agree with you, and I'm not sure how to fix the last two lines. I actually wrote the poem backwards starting from that point, and I like the idea but I'm not fond of its execution. Thank you for your feedback.

And I'm sorry, I realized the rule but I thought it only applied to the three workshop forums; I thought this one was more casual. I will go back and crit another piece.

[ellajam]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

I really like your description of the cave, the way songs burn, and your lines of healing at the end, but the last two line just sunk, they state the obvious and for me added nothing.

I'm a newbie here too. someone will probably come along to remind you that a major rule here is critiquing someone else's poem before posting your own. Welcome

I agree with you, and I'm not sure how to fix the last two lines. I actually wrote the poem backwards starting from that point, and I like the idea but I'm not fond of its execution. Thank you for your feedback.

And I'm sorry, I realized the rule but I thought it only applied to the three workshop forums; I thought this one was more casual. I will go back and crit another piece.

Nope, I think you're right, that misc is a freebee. Sorry, just trying to get the rules straight myself. Hopefully someone with more editing experience will give you an idea on your last lines.

[milo]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

if you are looking for feedback or constructive criticism, you should post in the critical forums.

[Keith]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

I enjoyed this, the rhymes work and it feels like your hiding away, why not try a different approach with your last two lines, after all L2 sets up a home coming or end to the hiding. Best tOMH

This is an example of what I mean

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til our tissued, tendons interweave -
and pull the grey from clouds inside,
burst bright lights on our reprieve.

Well something like that.

[silverpoet]

Tonight, I'll lay myself to rest
Inside the empty cave beneath my breast;
An altar, sacristy and tomb
Carved out from bones and blood and flesh.

I'll fill it up with songs that burn
My eyes yet soothe my soul in turn;
And memories that ache against
My ribcage, where they beat and churn.

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave -
Because you take my heart with you
Every time you leave.

---

This is my first submission here, and the first poem I've written in a very long while. I would love encouragement, feedback, or constructive criticism.

I enjoyed this, the rhymes work and it feels like your hiding away, why not try a different approach with your last two lines, after all L2 sets up a home coming or end to the hiding. Best tOMH

This is an example of what I mean

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til our tissued, tendons interweave -
and pull the grey from clouds inside,
burst bright lights on our reprieve.

Well something like that.

Thank you for the great feedback. I suppose the ending reflected my hopeless mood last night, but today I am feeling a bit more optimistic. How about something like this?

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave.
And so by morning light achieve
a heart no longer yours to thieve.

(perhaps that is too many rhyming lines)

Or

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave,
And so by morning's light I'll gain
a heart no longer yours to thieve.

[ellajam]

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave,
And so by morning's light I'll gain
a heart no longer yours to thieve.

This one goes better with your rhyme scheme. Love the change, so much more expressive than the original, feels like it fits.

[silverpoet]

Then, in this hollow home I'll grieve
'Til new tissues, tendons interweave,
And so by morning's light I'll gain
a heart no longer yours to thieve.

This one goes better with your rhyme scheme. Love the change, so much more expressive than the original, feels like it fits.

Thank you!