The Ride

[savino76]

It's more of a narrative. Please tell me what you think/how I can improve it.

Through a biting cold rain we climbed a seemingly endless myriad of rolling hills. And when the clouds broke and the sun shone over the valley – there were still miles to go. Miles of unknown land, miles of indefinite adventure. At times, it was daunting, challenging, and lonesome. But the true measure of a man’s spirit is how he responds to those trialing times – does he look back, or does he move forward? It’s only by choosing to carry on that we discover the true kindness and beauty that still remains in this world. From the middle aged couple who lent a hand in the dead of night to the young cyclists, to the majesty of the deep purple Olympic Mountains. It was an extraordinary voyage chronicling one hundred-sixty miles of what only a bike ride can truly do.

[btrudo]

I wish it was more of a narrative. All the things that happened, all those daunting, challenging, lonesome, and ultimately illuminating moments, aren't here. I would think they need to be here.

a thought,
Bill

[savino76]

I wish it was more of a narrative. All the things that happened, all those daunting, challenging, lonesome, and ultimately illuminating moments, aren't here. I would think they need to be here.

a thought,
Bill

Thanks for your thoughts. What do you think of this expansion in bold? Still too vague?

...there were still miles to go. Miles of unknown land, miles of indefinite adventure. The time spent in solitude was daunting, and the pain in my heels was almost unbearable. But the true measure of a man’s spirit...

[btrudo]

What did you do on the bike ride? What did you see? What did you smell? Feel? There is a lot more you can write.

[ChristopherSea]

It must have been an amazing experience and congratulations on the accomplishment! I like your narrative and the language used. It could be more poetic with some structure, either with line breaks and enjambment or perhaps some stanzas. Something like:

Through a biting cold rain
we climbed a seemingly endless
myriad of rolling hills. And when the clouds
broke and the sun shone over the valley –
there were still miles to go.

Miles of unknown land, miles
of indefinite adventure. At times,
it was daunting, challenging, and lonesome.
But the true measure of a man’s spirit
is how he responds to those trialing times –
does he look back, or does he move forward?

It’s only by choosing to carry on
that we discover the true kindness and beauty
that still remains in this world.
From the middle aged couple who lent
a hand in the dead of night to the young cyclists,
to the majesty of the deep purple Olympic Mountains.

It was an extraordinary voyage chronicling
one hundred-sixty miles of what
only a bike ride can truly do.

Another suggestion is to expand this into a series. Then you can share more details and incorporate some metaphor. Focus on significant highlights, e.g., what happened with the elder and young cyclists? You can illustrate the experience rather than narrate it!

[savino76]

Thanks for all the feedback. I'd like to add some more details, I think I need some help on how to 'show not tell' Here's the newest version:

Through a biting cold rain
We climbed a seemingly endless
Myriad of rolling hills
And when the clouds broke
And the sun shone over the valley –
There were still miles to go

Miles of unknown land
Miles of indefinite adventure
The time spent in solitude was daunting
And the aching in my heels was almost unbearable

To keep pedaling was painful
To stop was unthinkable

Because the true measure of a man’s spirit
Is how he responds to those trialing times –
Does he look back, or does he move forward?

It’s only by choosing to carry on
That he discovers the true kindness
And beauty that still remains in this world

From the middle aged couple who
Lent a hand in the dead of night to the young cyclists
To the majesty of gliding into a valley
Huddled by the deep purple Olympic Mountains

When the evening cast its dark shadow over us
We settled beside the calm bay waters

It was an extraordinary voyage
Chronicling one hundred-sixty miles
Of what only a bike ride can truly do