Love all things

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Love all things and
love yourself, so all the
kindness will spread
around the world.
Every person you meet
should get a hug.
Then you can lean in close
and whisper in their ear,
“I'm here for you forever,
you can count me as a friend,
and when peace on earth reigns,
we'll clasp each other's hands,
tilt our heads to heaven,
then crumble down dead.”

[Wjames]

Love all things and
love yourself, so all the
kindness will spread
around the world.

I would take out Love yourself as that is included in all things. Maybe something like this:

Love all things and
the kindness will spread
around the world.

Every person you meet
should get a hug.
Then you can lean in close
and whisper in their ear,
“I'm here for you forever,
you can count me as a friend,
and when peace on earth reigns,
we'll clasp each other's hands,
tilt our heads to heaven,
then crumble down dead.”

Nice sentiments, but if some random person on the street hugged me, and whispered that in my ear I would think they have some mental problems.

This poem reads to me as a combination of All things must pass by George Harrison, and All you need is love by the Beatles. The point being that I (and probably most people) have seen these ideas expressed countless times in more eloquent ways. If I were you, I would try and write about more specific, concrete ideas as they are generally easier to work with.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks for the crit Wjames... yeah, I sort of half regret posting this, will consider your suggestions. Though I'll give myself at least this much credit;

Nice sentiments, but if some random person on the street hugged me, and whispered that in my ear I would think they have some mental problems.

Exactly. I'm not sure how much it got through (the lack of detail, as you say, is a weakness for me), but though it does have a positive readings (I was thinking of Becket's "Come and Go" with the clasped hands line), the original intent was much more misanthropic. Anyway...

[ScurryFunger]

Love all things and
love yourself, so all the
kindness will spread
around the world.
Every person you meet
should get a hug.
Then you can lean in close
and whisper in their ear,
“I'm here for you forever,
you can count me as a friend,
and when peace on earth reigns,
we'll clasp each other's hands,
tilt our heads to heaven,
then crumble down dead.”

This is rather all a bit simplistic and would never work. Nice sentiments abound though.

I think you should explore this theme with a bit more range, add a few metaphors, dance with some similies, act up a bit.

crumble down dead I'm not sure of, if you had gone to all the effort of clasping hands and tilting heads, just to end up like that,,, well, what a waste really.

[Todd]

The last line has an ironic sense to it that I like. The rest just doesn't do enough to draw me in or distinguish itself. It's just a little too general to take seriously. Stop for a second and consider love ALL things. Would the result really be that kindness will spread--Maybe title it: "In the Land of Bumper Stickers" and you could get away with something like this.

You'd have to go more over the top to pull it off though.

Just thoughts,

Todd

[loriann07]

I really liked the ending in quotations, it has a nice sound to it

[billy]

the feedback we give need to say more;