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Hi, all. This is my second poem posted here. If I am in the wrong forum, sorry! Thank you for reading and critiquing!
New Year
Whiskey-warm and sick of New Years' Eve,
I left the stuffed ones herded by their fires
And trudged along a path of ashen leaves
That cracked and snapped with winter’s snowy choirs.
The ice cursed trees with bones that shook and scraped
The skull-gray skies of rotting winter days
Were wan and mute of vernal song and draped
A cold lament upon my frostsick haze.
The scene was gaunt and dying still
When I had turned to leave
Until I heard a piercing shrill
Cry deep within the trees —
An inky crow shot out of sight
And left me frozen in the night.
-betalife
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I liked the imagery in general, and the use of the sensory description. My only real nit to pick is with the lazy rhyme of leave/trees. Keep writing!
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)
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Thank you, Reilley. I agree with you - it is a lazy rhyme.
-betalife
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Hi betalife. You describe the landscape well; trees like bones and skull-grey skies do their job and transport me to your New Years' Eve (all the more credit considering right now it's a warm and sunny September day for me). I do have a few nits though; take whatever you need and toss the rest.
p&p
Quote:Whiskey-warm and sick of New Years' Eve,
I left the stuffed ones herded by their fires Great line.
And trudged along a path of ashen leaves
That cracked and snapped with winter’s snowy choirs.
The ice cursed trees with bones that shook and scraped Shook and scraped one line after cracked and snapped? Maybe nix one of the conjunctions.
The skull-gray skies of rotting winter days
Were wan and mute of vernal song and draped
A cold lament upon my frostsick haze.
The scene was gaunt and dying still You don't need to repeat how things are gaunt and dying, you've already done that well enough one stanza up.
When I had turned to leave You've already left your stuffed friends. Leaving one place is enough for a poem I think, you don't need to leave again.
Until I heard a piercing shrill
Cry deep within the trees —
An inky crow shot out of sight
And left me frozen in the night.
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(09-07-2013, 01:32 AM)betalife Wrote: Hi, all. This is my second poem posted here. If I am in the wrong forum, sorry! Thank you for reading and critiquing!
New Year
Whiskey-warm and sick of New Years' Eve,
I left the stuffed ones herded by their fires
And trudged along a path of ashen leaves
That cracked and snapped with winter’s snowy choirs.
The ice cursed trees with bones that shook and scraped
The skull-gray skies of rotting winter days
Were wan and mute of vernal song and draped
A cold lament upon my frostsick haze.
The scene was gaunt and dying still
When I had turned to leave
Until I heard a piercing shrill
Cry deep within the trees —
An inky crow shot out of sight
And left me frozen in the night.
ok, firstly right, that icon of yours that moves, it's damn distracting and annoying, no one else does that!
Was this meant to be scottish in persuasion? Cos ole mr Burns (not from the simpsons) would be spinning in his grave. I'ts good to be stuffed on new years, especially if there is an open fire handy to slump in front of.
Do crows come out at night? Inky bats maybe?
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Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i like the opening two lines a lot, specially the image of the 2nd line
look out for word repetition, look out for phrases that say the same thing unless you're reinforcing something.
(09-07-2013, 01:32 AM)betalife Wrote: Hi, all. This is my second poem posted here. If I am in the wrong forum, sorry! Thank you for reading and critiquing!
New Year
Whiskey-warm and sick of New Years' Eve,
I left the stuffed ones herded by their fires love the start.
And trudged along a path of ashen leaves
That cracked and snapped with winter’s snowy choirs.
The ice cursed trees with bones that shook and scraped
The skull-gray skies of rotting winter days we get it, it's winter 
Were wan and mute of vernal song and draped
A cold lament upon my frostsick haze.
The scene was gaunt and dying still
When I had turned to leave
Until I heard a piercing shrill
Cry deep within the trees —
An inky crow shot out of sight
And left me frozen in the night. great couplet with a great image
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Joined: Aug 2013
There is a lot to like about this near sonnet! Here's some observations:
New Year
Whiskey-warm and sick of New Years' Eve, 'sick with' might be more intriguing
I left the stuffed ones herded by their fires
And trudged along a path of ashen leaves
That cracked and snapped with winter’s snowy choirs. maybe delete 'and snapped' and use just 'choir' (don't worry about exact rhymes)
The ice cursed trees with bones that shook and scraped you could scrap 'scraped'
The skull-gray skies of rotting winter days something like 'dead' would pair better with 'skull-gray' than 'rotting'.
Were wan and mute of vernal song and draped
A cold lament upon my frostsick haze. these two lines are cool, but a bit overdone (almost read that as froststick, ha ha...)
The scene was gaunt and dying still
When I had turned to leave these two lines seem like filler; maybe you can make better use here
Until I heard a piercing shrill
Cry deep within the trees —
An inky crow shot out of sight
And left me frozen in the night. love these last four lines!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
