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Sundown moths,
intent as bees,
pounce, pounce upon
your lilac trees.
I miss
the horse
in your pasture.
Fish
in your pond.
Cow
in your freezer.
Sun-up stroll down Main Street,
I scan curb and sidewalk
for wayward nickel, dime, or quarter;
settle for the pick-a-penny bend,
as sundown men,
buck and status-rich,
bang, bang your lilac bush.
Peck cheek. Suckle neck.
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sorry i don't get the title, or the poem, but i love it 
it feels like the narrator is a crow or magpie but i can't really tell. (wait for more feedback before you spill the beans)
the more i think about the crazier my ideas, i now think it's about mosquitoes  though they wouldn't scan for dimes.
i do look forward to seeing what i don't get :J:
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As there are such things as "sundown moths", I will take you literally and assume this is not a metaphor, although I can see where Billy would get mosquitoes, but I can also see a moth doing everything you describe.
Where I find this poem puzzling is in the use of your. Is the speaker talking to someone else, or is he talking to me when he says "your"...
For me this ambiguity is disruptive to the poem. I am not even sure that the writer is aware of the ambiguity, thus making it unintentional.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
This reads nostalgic, maybe because it reminds me of my hometown and the surrounding areas. Then it moves on to great longing in the end. I'm not sure I entirely get it either, but I enjoyed the read.
Sorry if this isn't entirely helpful, as I've never given feedback or criticism for poetry until now.
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I don't know who is being spoken TO here, or who/what the speaker IS. It doesn't look like I am alone here.
Your poem DOES have a very nice, "country" feel to it. Very natural imagery.
I don't get the title.
Can you give me some clues what you're going for here? The weird thing is: I really like this! Ha! I don't really know what it's about but I like it a lot. I do think you could benefit from doing a better job or getting the speaker of the poem's identity - is it a person? A bird? An omnipotent thing?
"the horse
in your pasture.
Fish
in your pond.
Cow
in your freezer."
^ That was my favorite stanza because it's so stark - the horse is in the pasture, the fish is in the pond...then...ew...cow in the freezer. I love how you just throw that in there!
Nice work. Keep 'em coming. =]
-betalife
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(09-06-2013, 07:57 AM)Owlster Bierce Wrote: Sundown moths,
intent as bees,
pounce, pounce upon
your lilac trees.
I miss
the horse
in your pasture.
Fish
in your pond.
Cow
in your freezer.
Sun-up stroll down Main Street,
I scan curb and sidewalk
for wayward nickel, dime, or quarter;
settle for the pick-a-penny bend,
as sundown men,
buck and finger-rich,
bang, bang your lilac bush.
Peck cheek. Suckle neck.
uhhmm try removing all the spaces & put one sentence to a line
The ghost of my horse Spike runs with me always..!
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Joined: Aug 2013
(09-06-2013, 07:57 AM)Owlster Bierce Wrote: Sundown moths,
intent as bees,
pounce, pounce upon
your lilac trees.
I miss
the horse
in your pasture.
Fish
in your pond.
Cow
in your freezer.
Sun-up stroll down Main Street,
I scan curb and sidewalk
for wayward nickel, dime, or quarter;
settle for the pick-a-penny bend,
as sundown men,
buck and finger-rich,
bang, bang your lilac bush.
Peck cheek. Suckle neck.
Once upon an un - winsome time
I picked my mother
a bunch of lilac tree flowers
she
said that it was unlucky
to have lilac in the house
so
she chucked them in the bin
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(09-07-2013, 05:22 AM)Spikerider Wrote: (09-06-2013, 07:57 AM)Owlster Bierce Wrote: Sundown moths,
intent as bees,
pounce, pounce upon
your lilac trees.
I miss
the horse
in your pasture.
Fish
in your pond.
Cow
in your freezer.
Sun-up stroll down Main Street,
I scan curb and sidewalk
for wayward nickel, dime, or quarter;
settle for the pick-a-penny bend,
as sundown men,
buck and finger-rich,
bang, bang your lilac bush.
Peck cheek. Suckle neck.
uhhmm try removing all the spaces & put one sentence to a line
what effect do you suppose this suggestion will have on the poem? And why?
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Joined: Sep 2013
Thanks for all the reads and responses. The speaker is a ne'er-do-well bum type of guy who shacked-up with an at least somewhat well-to do woman until he is on the outs with her and finds himself back on the streets. The woman then starts dating men that are more akin to her social/economic standing.
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Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2013
^ I just giggled at your last stanza, then. It makes a lot more sense now! =]
I think you can try to rework the poem with some of the edits suggested above to make that story line more clear to the reader. Maybe you can have the speaker wake up on a bench before he ambles down Main St. looking for loose change? Or you can describe his clothing? That may contrast nicely with the first line of the last stanza.
I think you can even take the very last line further with an even more grossly explicit sexual act. "Peck cheek. Suckle neck. _________" Something to really hit home.
I like this poem a lot! =]
-betalife
Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Sep 2013
Owlster, so glad to be reading your stuff once more! I had a couple of critiques, but after seeing your explanation and rereading it, they evaporated and I have nothing to add. But I did want to tell you that I'm so glad to find your work online again.
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)
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