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She finds herself next to him on a bed of white,
wearing his fingerprints
and listening to him breathe.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.
My first post here, so keep that in mind when you rip it apart. Also, I meant for the word 'grave' in the title to have double meaning (although I'm not particularly attached to it as a whole).
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Hi Little owl,
Welcome to the site and it is great to see you have already been leaving feedback elsewhere.
I thought this was an excellent little snap shot and you have managed to pack a lot of meaning into a short piece. I appreciate the layers of meaning that i found in your poem. Overall a nice write.
There are a couple of lines that are perhaps a bit wordy and could be shortened.
I will offer some thoughts. Remember the feedback is always just opinions and this remains your poem.
She finds herself next to him on a bed of white, Great line that co-joined with title & rest of the poem brings to mind a lined coffin. But I think that you could start the line at Next and lose "she finds herself". Especially so in light of the message of the last line, where there is the image of him sexually using her is pushed home. "Finds herself" to me suggests a aspect of willing compliance. (your close of "her silence" speaks of being used as does "wearing his finger prints" - these seem to be to be at variance with each other.... intended ambiguity? Not sure it is working)
wearing his fingerprints
and listening to him breathe. "and" can also be removed.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as I like the starkness of the description of his state, that reinforces her condition and situation of being burried under him. It also brings to mind a recolection of nature and so her lack of freedom is emphasised.
he rakes the mess clean with her silence. Nice, solid close. I like this line very much
I enjoyed your poem look forward to reading some more of your work and any edits you might chose to do on this one.
Thanks for the read AJ.
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Amazing advice, can't thank you enough! All of your suggestions touched on specific issues I'd been having with the piece myself. I usually pick and choose the advice I incorporate, but you were spot-on. I'm still a little up in the air on punctuation; hopefully I can get some feedback on the edited version.
Quote: Revision:
Next to him on a bed of white,
cloaked in his fingerprints
listening to him breathe.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.
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i like the revision, but i find that, "she finds herself" implies some sense of surprise. as one would have in a coffin. and i found that sense of surprise juxtaposed nicely with "he has dirt under his fingernails tonight' which would imply a sense of routine, monotony even. to me keeping the first line as it was originally intended makes the poem have a sort a double or even triple meaning that i found enjoyable. something along the lines of the charcter's life is her grave and it is this monotony that has robbed her, or she is truly dead and being robbed, or something even worse is happening to her. all in all keep it up. im new here too and i look forward to reading more of you work.
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Thanks for the kind words, fellow newcomer. I wasn't sure what kind of reception to expect from a first post, so imagine my relief when someone "got" what I was going for when I wrote this poem (or rather, the revision based on cidermaid's wonderful critique). I appreciate the insight, and look forward to reading your work as well!
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i felt as though this was excellently delivered. no critique here.
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Hi LittleOwl,
I read new poets to the site always hoping I'll find something I like. This I like. Here are some comments for you:
It feels small town crime scene to me. I love the mood. I like the subtle rhyme, and the fingerprints/fingernails sounds.
(09-04-2013, 02:17 PM)LittleOwl Wrote: She finds herself next to him on a bed of white,--I like the contrast of the white with the later dirt. We get a sense of innocence juxtaposed with corruption. I'm not a big fan of She finds herself. It feels a bit passive and undirected. She wakes/she lies something a bit tighter. In a short piece you can afford less meandering. Just thoughts
wearing his fingerprints--love this line. The indelible marks that no one can see. It also makes it feel forensic and criminal.
and listening to him breathe.--wonderful. It might be an option to go into the exact sound of his breath. I love where this goes but you have an opportunity to go more sensory.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,--nice rhyme. Tonight gives the line an ominous sense
soil fresh and pungent as--I'm not fond of the line break. The modifiers are well chosen though. I wonder if you need the as at all.
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.--It might be too much but I'd consider breaking the line on her leaving one line of white space and having "silence" be the final line. Something to consider. I think breaking on her would give a sense of joint complicity.
My first post here, so keep that in mind when you rip it apart. Also, I meant for the word 'grave' in the title to have double meaning (although I'm not particularly attached to it as a whole).
I really enjoyed this. I hope some of this is helpful. Forgive me if I went overboard in Mild. I just really enjoyed the piece.
Welcome to the site!
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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feedback should be a little more than a statement. how was it excellently delivered, what parts stood out and why etc /mod
(09-05-2013, 11:14 AM)sullsk Wrote: i felt as though this was excellently delivered. no critique here.
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No real critique here, after revision the piece seems complete. For me, the content suggested a marriage on the rocks (I know that was not your intent) as it filtered through my own perceptions. In that light, I saw it as a tender eulogy from the partner that wants the relationship to live on.
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)
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Thanks to all of you for making me feel welcome and helping me revise this into something I'm proud of. Cheers!
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(09-04-2013, 02:17 PM)LittleOwl Wrote: She finds herself next to him on a bed of white,
wearing his fingerprints
and listening to him breathe.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight,
soil fresh and pungent as
he rakes the mess clean with her silence.
My first post here, so keep that in mind when you rip it apart. Also, I meant for the word 'grave' in the title to have double meaning (although I'm not particularly attached to it as a whole).
Well done, LittleOwl, I think this is really wonderful. What I would like to suggest, if you will allow me, is that you experiment a little with your use of punctuation. Imaginative use of punctuation could really tighten this up, and vary the pace and tone - though I think it requires very little work, it's really very good! If I were to punctuate this, here's what I might do (just to give you an idea):
She finds herself next to him on a bed of white,
wearing his fingerprints.
Listening to him breathe.
He has dirt under his fingernails tonight:
soil fresh and pungent.
He rakes the mess clean with her silence.
This is just my opinion, and I completely understand if you disregard it completely - it's just a tiny suggestion, and I'm impressed by the piece as it is.
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