Insanity

[Poetborn]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we
, but we still nourish the deep pains
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity

[Malu]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity "1" should be spelled out. Why are there two spaces between insanity and now? And spaces around the "a" when there are dashes that are there? It could just be now-a-days or even the word itself nowadays.
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity This line begins with a comma? and then there are two spaces between our and friend.
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we Your title is insanity, no need to capitalize the word, we know what the idea is
, but we still nourish the deep pains line beginning with a comma again.
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity I don't think you need that many periods. And there should be a space after the comma in "sanity,but" This whole line reads bad. "but in fact its more delusions never sanity"
,from our very own friend insanity Line beginning with comma.

This looks really rushed, hardly any attention to grammar and sentence structure. There were even two places where there were two spaces in between some words. You also said the words insanity/sanity a combined total of five times, in a six line poem. Keep using the same words and all you're doing is taking away from the meaning and making your take home message even worse. It looks like you tried to rhyme, humanity with gravity, thats' not bad but then there are no longer any rhymes left in the poem. Unless you count sanity and insanity, which doesn't work very well.

[FayandFire]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we
, but we still nourish the deep pains
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its ( Maybe make that a seperate line

more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity

Hello Poetborn, My best advice is to take in what Malu says. Also i was curious about the commas to. What was your purpose behind them? If you dont mind me asking.

[Viktor Vaughn]

Structural errors make it hard to read, including grammar (it's not its, "grabbing we" [intentional poor grammar for the sake of a rhyme?]), and although it can be clever to use the same rhyme throughout the whole poem, if you don't get creative it can get pretty repetitive. You could get creative by the location of rhymes, using half-rhymes to transition onto a new rhyme (now I'm saying 'rhyme' a lot).

It would definitely be easier to read and understand though it it wasn't so rushed, as Malu said. It's not a bad idea, it's just hard to understand the idea because my brain is trying so hard to understand the structure.

[tectak]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we
, but we still nourish the deep pains
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity

Hipo,
I am very sad to say this but your poem makes no sense at all. If you really believe that you have written down your concept as well as you possibly can...that is, to the best of your ability...then there is little I can say that would help you because you would not understand. On the other hand, you may just be lazy and cannot be bothered to check what you have written. Is English your first language? I ask this because the very first line is quite atrocious grammatically. "Insanity....have become..." is only less dreadful than the next line. ", and our friend morals well...". This in turn is followed by an even worse " ....insanity is steadily grabbing we". Do you have ANY understanding of punctuation? I ask kindly.
TRY READING MORE POETRY, INCLUDING THIS PIECE, OUT LOUD.
Look, this is YOUR poem, so only take from the following what you want. Scrap all of it if you so wish. It is but a suggested version.

Insanity today would seem to inflict all humanity; (or afflict depending upon your viewpoint)
morality, our once stern friend, has now lost all its gravity.
Insanity is stealthily gripping us and grabbing. We
still cultivate our deepest pains, hoping that old friend will be
here for us, to rescue us, our one true Saviour...Sanity.
But no, it seems delusional that what we think is certainty
turns out to be in cruel disguise, the demon called Insanity.

Best,
tectak

[nhanna1223]

I think we is suppossed to be me, in the third line. Had a very hard time reading this.

[billy]

hi nhanna, why did you have a hard time reading it?
try and give reasons as to how or/and why the poem affects you. what you like and why or what you don't like and why. we're fine is a person isn't technical or even correct in their feedback all we want is for fellow poets to try and give a fuller critique. /mod

---

at the best it's not what most would call a good poem, but that's why we're all here isn't it...too improve.

first suggestion is to present the poem in a way the reader can make some sense of it.
just tell as you would in everyday speech patterns and break it down into shorter lines (just a suggestion)

at that point it will probably be prose. then you add poetic devices, things that take from being prose to be poetry.
if you aren't sure, do the first part and ask for help with the poetic devices.

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we
, but we still nourish the deep pains
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity

[shenaz]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we
, but we still nourish the deep pains
Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity

Poetborn you need to address the issue of punctuation. If it was intentional, then some footnotes will be necessary to explain the absence.

[ralex003]

Insanity now- a -days have become 1 with humanity [What does this mean? I think I know what you're saying, but can you word it differently?]
,and our friend morals well he has lost his very gravity [[b][b]This makes no sense to me. Read it out loud. If it doesn't seem to make sense when you read it out loud, then it won't make sense to your readers[/b][/b].]
But Insanity is steadily grabbing we [Grammatically, this makes no sense. You do not say "grabbing we." Say "grabbing us." Don't force a rhyme if it doesn't make sense]
, [b][b]but we still nourish the deep pains
[b]Often thinking we have ………. Well that we have gained our true friend sanity,but in fact its more delusions never sanity
,from our very own friend insanity[/b][/b] [[/b]Starting from "Often" to the end of the poem, make this more concise. It doesn't flow very well]

Grammar tip: "Have" should be "has" in line 1.
No commas at the beginning of the sentences.

[Lisa]

It was kind of hard to read, but I do like the play with insanity and sanity. Maybe if you fix the punctuation, we could try to read it again?

[Bart_Bowen]

Where's the complexity man? It seems like a poet in an asylum wrote this up. Keep writing though.

[shemthepenman]

An interesting poem. I think you know what you are doing: poem about insanity utterly off its tits style. In which case it would be pointless to highlight the gramma and spelling and punctuation. The question is, is it enough without the stylistics? Is the style enough on its own? Can style be separated from substance?
I obviously won't do a line by line, not least because no one wants to be the fellow who took seriously an abstract which later turned out to be painted by a chimp.
I will say this though, it does raise questions about poetry and form and tradition and all that, my only problem is that this is all it does do. The actual content is limp and the style merely a flourish, which is distracting but not in any great way.

[alatos]

I definitely like the originality, but I guess you have to be careful because sometimes people confuse originality with being hard to understand. You can be original and still communicate your ideas well. Just be conscious of that. But don't take this too seriously: I'm a beginner.

[Sheep]

I'm not too sure if the grammar and unconventional structure is the style of the poem (maybe to give a sense of "insanity"?) or lack of editing. If it is style, it's definitely original, but can probably be executed better. Kind of like how no one will look at e.e. cumming's poem and think it's bad editing.

[kindofahippy]

Is the crazy syntax, grammar, and style of the poem a reference to the subject of insansity? Even it is is, it could use flow to read better. I'd suggest changing 1 to one, and glue the commas back on, they are very distracting.

[sheepy]

Well this is a rather insane sounding poem, but not in a good way. There are a lot of grammatical errors, eg "friend morals" should be "friend's morals"? "grabbing we" should be "grabbing me", "its more delusions" should be "it's more delusions". The comma positioning is also odd. Are you a programmer and this is your habit to start the line with them?
These errors did make it harder to read, but by correcting these and some clever editing you could end up with an interesting poem on insanity that is also intentionally a little insane - in a good way.

[Jetz]

Huh? I think I would like this more, if I could understand it. I know OF insanity, but this is too far out for me. I'm thinking it's a language barrier.

[Camels]

it feels like the author of this poem was loosing his sanity while writing this because of all the errors and odd structure so I guess if you take this as an insane person writing their final words it may make more sense but I wouldn't go that route haha definitely take some time to edit this