First post here:(

[shawngibson]

I just discovered this forum literally a few minutes ago, so I apologize if I break any rules.

I spent 10 years sending submissions to Fiddlehead/Malahat/New Quarterly, and they were always graceful but I never got published...so I gave up. But I wrote this recently and I know it's far from perfect but I wanted to share it.

My name is Shawn Gibson, I'm 44, and live in Toronto:

I miss being Buddhist
I miss having hope
I miss being young and cocky
And I miss my hate

I miss looking at women.
I miss my mother's words
I miss dreaming of a better tomorrow
And my old uncomplicated world

I miss Leonard Cohen and I miss Jesus
I miss Gautama too
I miss how powerful it was
when science said a supernova blew

I miss Einstein and Feynman, I do
And Schopenhauer and Hegel
for turning my little world into stew
I miss being young and stupid, I really do

i miss being able to walk up to anyone
and say hey can I photograph you?
That world is gone and now I think
about my liver and yet I think of you

I may die tomorrow and I'm sure I will
But I wish those times had never left
where I could be with you
I really do.I really do. I love all of you.

Who is you, is all of you,
The best of you have always been my guide.
I miss my mom, I miss new friends,
I miss my confidence, I miss my pride.

Tomorrow I will wake up new and ask:
Can I start over and forget the past?
I know I can, I am the little train that could
Gautama, Einstein, Mom, here I come and fast.

[milo]

I just discovered this forum literally a few minutes ago, so I apologize if I break any rules.

I spent 10 years sending submissions to Fiddlehead/Malahat/New Quarterly, and they were always graceful but I never got published...so I gave up. But I wrote this recently and I know it's far from perfect but I wanted to share it.

My name is Shawn Gibson, I'm 44, and live in Toronto:

Hi Shawn, welcome to the pigpen, don't forget to leave feedack for others.

I miss being Buddhist
I miss having hope
I miss being young and cocky
And I miss my hate

I miss looking at women.
I miss my mother's words
I miss dreaming of a better tomorrow
And my old uncomplicated world

I miss Leonard Cohen and I miss Jesus
I miss Gautama too
I miss how powerful it was
when science said a supernova blew

I miss Einstein and Feynman, I do
And Schopenhauer and Hegel
for turning my little world into stew
I miss being young and stupid, I really do

i miss being able to walk up to anyone
and say hey can I photograph you?

I don't really see how this list of things you miss could be considered poetic. If I were sitting across from you at a table, and you were an old friend, my eyes would glaze over as you prattled on and on about things you missed, but, being stuck at a table with you and a friend, I would continue pretending to listen.

how do you think a stranger thousands of miles away will react at being presented this to read?

That world is gone and now I think
about my liver and yet I think of you

this is an odd non-sequiter. Why are you thinking about your liver and your addressee again?

I may die tomorrow and I'm sure I will
But I wish those times had never left
where I could be with you
I really do.I really do. I love all of you.

this part here is mawkish, unoriginal and boring. I feel like I have read these words 1000 times before and I am sure you do as well. You need to think of ways to present this in new refreshing ways.

Who is you, is all of you,

"are"

The best of you have always been my guide.
I miss my mom, I miss new friends,
I miss my confidence, I miss my pride.

Tomorrow I will wake up new and ask:
Can I start over and forget the past?
I know I can, I am the little train that could
Gautama, Einstein, Mom, here I come and fast.

As a whole, this doesn't reall work as a poem. First, it fails by presenting old ideas in pretty unoriginal ways. Second, it attempts to communicate too much by "telling' the reader instead of showing.

Poetry should communicate through refreshing language, image, metaphor and poetic devices.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

Thanks for posting.

[Burak]

interesting

[Todd]

Hi Shawn, welcome to the site! Let me give you a few comments on your poem:

You're missing the opportunity that a title could give you. For example, if you titled the poem something like: "After the Doctor's Words" you could set the a context and that would be helpful here. Let's look at the lines now. Since this is mild my comments will be more general.

I just discovered this forum literally a few minutes ago, so I apologize if I break any rules.

I spent 10 years sending submissions to Fiddlehead/Malahat/New Quarterly, and they were always graceful but I never got published...so I gave up. But I wrote this recently and I know it's far from perfect but I wanted to share it.

My name is Shawn Gibson, I'm 44, and live in Toronto:

I miss being Buddhist
I miss having hope
I miss being young and cocky
And I miss my hate

While the first line has interesting potential, the other lines feel too basic. There is no great revelation. Think about choosing the best line and developing it in the strophe instead of moving quickly through these other more random statements.

I miss looking at women.
I miss my mother's words
I miss dreaming of a better tomorrow
And my old uncomplicated world

Again first line is interesting. The other three are forgettable, especially the third line cliche.

I miss Leonard Cohen and I miss Jesus
I miss Gautama too
I miss how powerful it was
when science said a supernova blew

Nothing here is all that interesting. You could possibly work on line four and get it up to snuff

I miss Einstein and Feynman, I do
And Schopenhauer and Hegel
for turning my little world into stew
I miss being young and stupid, I really do

The I really do is unnecessary. The idea of line four would be interesting to develop. The phrasing would need to be reworked into good imagery to be effective

i miss being able to walk up to anyone
and say hey can I photograph you?
That world is gone and now I think
about my liver and yet I think of you

The last two lines need more development or context to pull off

I may die tomorrow and I'm sure I will
But I wish those times had never left
where I could be with you
I really do.I really do. I love all of you.

Lot of predictable filler here. Go deeper

Who is you, is all of you,
The best of you have always been my guide.
I miss my mom, I miss new friends,
I miss my confidence, I miss my pride.

Again not a lot that adds to the poem here. Go deeper

Tomorrow I will wake up new and ask:
Can I start over and forget the past?
I know I can, I am the little train that could
Gautama, Einstein, Mom, here I come and fast.

You would need to build the train idea in earlier to sell it at the end and make it satisfying

One of my main issues is that it feels too disjointed, lacks cohesion, and doesn't go deep enough. All of this can be fixed though. Just some thoughts to consider.

I hope some of it is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

I just discovered this forum literally a few minutes ago, so I apologize if I break any rules.

one of the ones you never read about was the one saying
"give feedback" :J:

[sullsk]

it seems as though youre just ranting.
i also agree with PP and if you had titled it something along the lines of 'after the doctor called..' i would probably have read deeper.
you do seem talented. although, it seems as though your poems are too personal therefore youre readers are unable to really relate.
look forward to reading more

---

and if i could add one more thing?
your random capitalization of "i" was a bit distracting.