"First Dawn Glances"

[C.M.C.]

At night I contemplate past lives,
with dawn comes a new day and a new birth.
The sun climbs it’s way to noon sky,
As sprouts grow up from sunlit earth.

Night retreated through the window,
leaving what it held in morning blue.
Now hear the songs of the sparrow.
Step out into the morning dew.

Through the treetops sunlight dances,
calling all the chipmunks and squirrels to rise.
As I take my first dawn glances,
I can find a new day, and a new life.

"First Morning Glances" (first morning edit)
At night I lay down with closed eyes,
till daybreak brings a bright new birth.
The sun climbs its way to noon sky,
as sprouts shoot up from sunlit earth.

Night’s dark veil faded out the window,
leaving all it held in morning blue.
I hear the song of the precious sparrow,
as I step out into morning dew.

Sunlight shines through the leafy branches,
calling all the small critters to rise.
So when I take my first morning glances,
I can find new day and a new life.

Second Edit

"First Morning Glances"
At night I contemplate through closed eyes.
When I wake, I feel a bright new birth.
The sun treks its way to noon sky,
as sprouts shoot up from sunlit earth.

Night’s dark veil faded out the window,
leaving all it held in morning blue.
I hear the song of the precious sparrow,
as I step out into morning dew.

Sunlight shines through the leafy branches,
drawing out the creatures of the trees.
So as I take my first morning glances,
I leave contemplations with my dreams

[Volaticus]

At night I contemplate past lives,
with dawn comes a new day and a new birth. "a new day" feels redundant, cause the new day is implied with "dawn".
The sun climbs it’s way to noon sky, Typo: its
As sprouts grow up from sunlit earth. Should it be "as"?

Night retreated through the window,
leaving what it held in morning blue.
Now hear the songs of the sparrow. I'm not sure you need "Now". Though it interrupts the flow if it's removed. Maybe a comma instead of a period?
Step out into the morning dew.

Through the treetops sunlight dances, This line sounds awkward for the sake of the rhyme.
calling all the chipmunks and squirrels to rise. Feels a bit wordy. Maybe remove "all the". I think it also makes it read better.
As I take my first dawn glances,
I can find a new day, and a new life. Maybe remove "and"? Again, I feel it reads better that way.

Hi C.M.C.
I like this idea for a shorter poem with rhymes. Some of the rhymes though, didn't work for me. "lives" and "sky" doesn't rhyme in my ear. I'm not sure "window" and "sparrow" rhymes either.
I've left some thoughts for you to consider. JMHO of course. I look forward to read an edit of this, should you decide to work further with the poem.
Best,
LB

[C.M.C.]

Thanks V! I will work on what you noted.

---

Thanks V! I will work on what you noted.

Edited! Some things I changed precisely while others I switched around in other ways. Thanks again V.

[cidermaid]

Hi CMC, I've looked through both your original and the edit and I think that in some lines you have detracted from the original and in some you have improved. I'll leave my thoughts for your consideration below.

"First Morning Glances" (first morning edit)
At night I lay down with closed eyes, I think you have really lost something on the opening line here. It is now a flat statement of the obvious to my mind. (Of course i close my eyes at night), whereas your previous opening drew me into the idea of dreams and the whole imagery of what i could have been / what I would like to be
till daybreak brings a bright new birth. Again the day break / new birth thing is a bit tired
The sun climbs its way to noon sky, Can you find a more exciting word than climbs. (same old same old). Try and give the action a bit more emotion and imagery to describe how this makes you feel. Creeps. crawls, leaps etc
as sprouts shoot up from sunlit earth. I like this image and the illteration of the S sounds.

Night’s dark veil faded out the window, Nice
leaving all it held in morning blue.
I hear the song of the precious sparrow,
as I step out into morning dew. This whole stanza has been improved over the original.

Sunlight shines through the leafy branches, Again improved and like the rpt of alliteration on S sounds.
calling all the small critters to rise. Not convinced about this line. Does the sun call or draw? ...drawn to greet the dawn
So when I take my first morning glances,
I can find new day and a new life.

Sorry gtg will try and come back to finish in a bit. AJ