Hi I'm new.. Have a read a tell me what you think!

[Xenophon]

Ouch! The iPad screen's too bright
I always forget to turn it down at night.
Quite frankly it I think it all started this morning,
a rotten sort of day with absolutely no warning.

The maid burned the toast
Luke warm water for a shower
Newspaper late by a quarter of an hour.
Cappuccino: just a touch too sweet,
New shoes hurt my feet by the end of the street.

Crowds in boutiques I'd been told were exclusive, bloody ridiculous, there's just no excuses.
Sat on the bus hearing commoners gab
For some unfathomable reason I couldn't find a cab

A thoughtless friend said:
"you should look for perspective,
Who do you think should be the next leader elected
What are your thoughts on the Middle East crisis?
How will the poor deal with higher food prices?

Shouldn't we strive for a world without war,
Lasting peace and education for all?
Global initiatives for universal nutrition,
Methods to make people sit up and listen!

Power to the people
Lets strive against evil
Put down the wine glass and take up the easel,
Paint a world full of kindness and grace in each place build a state of equality for all to embrace."

Well what a nice idea, and that's all very well.. But won't that have impact on my lifestyle as well?
I'm damned if I'll pay more for something sustainable
If next seasons fashions become unattainable.

And anyway I do my fair share I'm sure,
With my monthly donation: three pounds for the poor.
"A functional gift to assuage any guilt!"
Well, I haven't got time till the extension is built.

And yes while I applaud your attempts at utopia.
I'd rather spend time drinking from my cornucopia.

[jdguyb]

some of the parts are too random and some of the rhymes seem forced

[makeshift]

Hi Xenophon,

I agree with jdguyb that a lot of the rhymes seem forced, though there are more then a few that I think are pretty nice. The poem as a whole felt whimsical, it was a fun read. I think you could focus on being a bit more economical, it reads fairly wordy at times. Thnx for sharing. (:

[Xenophon]

Hi.. Thanks for the feedback. The whole thing was fairly stream of consciousness, and I have a few ideas for improving the structure. Whimsical is definitely what I was aiming for. I really wanted to have something very simple in structure with a fun approach. Also.. It's the second poem I have ever written so the feedback is very useful! Thanks folks :0)

[casper-zakelijk]

Good poem, some of the rhymes could indeed be improved or changed, but most of them read pretty smooth to me. I do like the overall subject. It reads pretty light, but with a critical, questioning undertone.