"Stormfront" (a beginner's sonnet)

[alatos]

Edited Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed by their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.


Original Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

[tectak]

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

[quote='alatos' pid='137254' dateline='1377195718']
-Stormfront-

[alatos]

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smoky is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

Hahaha yeah wow, my bad on "begginers". Although I think "smoky" is a perfectly acceptable spelling. Maybe I'm wrong, though. I knew it wasn't conventional sonnet rhyme scheme... we learned all about that in school, but I liked it so I went with it I guess. And yeah, I kinda felt the same way about the "mountains into the sea" part. Obviously a biblical allusion, but I'm not very happy with it. It feels artificially deep to me, like alluding to something that isn't there. And I really don't like that, but I have no better ideas.

[tectak]

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smoky is debatable but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

---

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

Don't worry too much about sonnet form, although it should be ABABCDCDEFEFGG!
No...not a problem. A good effort. The spelling mistakes are forgiveable...except beginners
Smokey is debatable, but sure, Smoky Mountains.
OK. The concept is fine but overdone. You need to find a new way to express yourself but it ain't half bad. Avoid the dramatic construct...therein lies cliche. "Yes, the mountains... " line is cringeworthy...which is only slightly better than unworthy Avoid repetition...their their.
Penultimate line...absorbed BY their source.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

Hahaha yeah wow, my bad on "begginers". Although I think "smoky" is a perfectly acceptable spelling. Maybe I'm wrong, though. I knew it wasn't conventional sonnet rhyme scheme... we learned all about that in school, but I liked it so I went with it I guess. And yeah, I kinda felt the same way about the "mountains into the sea" part. Obviously a biblical allusion, but I'm not very happy with it. It feels artificially deep to me, like alluding to something that isn't there. And I really don't like that, but I have no better ideas.

Yes...you have. Think about it.
Best,
tectak

[btrudo]

Edited Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
nice line
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed by their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

There is a reason not to rhyme in pairs like you do here. The end should have the couplet rhyme so that it gives the poem a note of finality. Not that the 'rule' has to be followed, but it seems that this poem would want to have that note. I really would suggest trying a ABBA or ABAB type rhyme initially.

Though that being said, I do like the clouds as mountains, so I enjoyed the first two stanzas, but the poem seems to run out of steam a bit, particularly the ending couplet.


Original Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.
[/quote]

---

Edited Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins.
Great shadowed, phantom mountains rise
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.
Pretty easy to get the rhyme scheme in this stanza. Second stanza is not as easy.

For the last 2 stanzas, you might want to pick an idea or two from what you have and try a fresh attempt at writing the stanzas.

[tectak]

Edited Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains. Very easy toread and assimilate. Concise

Their summits are crowned with runaway light, The "their" is disconnected but only because of the syntax. Of course, you refer to the mountains, but they were a long time back. Since thenwe have had veins, roots and clouds. Try "Summits like jewels crowned with runaway(?) light" to remove the small issue.
the last memory of a sun lost to sight "hold on to the memory of a sun out if sight."
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm: This storm? What storm? "an oncoming storm"
transient beast of impermanent form. "a transient beast of..

Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.A wasted semi colon
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice, put the semi colon here.
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed by their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

A very good edit. Well done.
Your poem so my lines only suggestion
Best,
tectak

Original Version:

-Stormfront-

From the distant line where seas meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Their smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Their summits are crowned with rays of light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
transient beast of impermanent form.

Yes, the mountains are moving into the sea,
merging, downpouring, rejoining; set free.
Once terrible stormclouds I now hear rejoice,
the wind, rain, and thunder all lend them their voice.

Raindrops meet ocean, absorbed in their source.
Amazed, I watch nature recycle her course.

[ChristopherSea]

Well, as a scientist and a poet it pleases me to see the hydologic cycle in a sonnet! You are lucky to have tectak mentoring you through this. I am not checking your iams, but I will comment on your stanzas a bit. The first one is your strongest and then in runs downhill from there with each stanza (pun intended). The next stanza may need some tweaking. Although, ‘transient beast of impermanent form’ sounds cool, there is lurking redundancy therein. The third quatrain has that ‘merging, downpouring, rejoining’ triplet of sawing words! INGs always weaken their roots and sing like a saw. You can change on or two. The next list is ‘the wind, rain, and thunder’ which can probably be substituted with something more interesting. The closing couplet may be the weakest component. You need a stronger closer. Keep at it and you will have a grand first sonnet! Good luck with the workshopping.

[alatos]

Hey guys thank you SO MUCH for these suggestions! I'll give it a go and post my result.

---

Edit number three took a completely different turn at the end, from a poem observing nature's beauty to one of loneliness and distress. I like that though. And believe it or not, I actually do work on a fishing boat for my summer job, so I feel qualified to write this poem . I actually composed the first few lines in my head one day while watching a storm roll in while we were out. Lightning on the flat ocean is always a little creepy hahaha.

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Pale summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
thunderous beast of impermanent form.

Dark passions run out rushing over the sea,
electricity rages as water pours free.
Grey darkness encircles, my last hopes disappear:
waves push and cap white as if fleeing in fear.

Engulfed in black swells, I'm lost on my own.
Will fate have me die on this ocean, alone?

[ChristopherSea]

I like what you have done and your close is stronger now, as are the middle stanzas. It's great that there is a personal connection for you as well. Hopefully, one of the many sonneteers on site will review your iambic pentameter. I think you could do with a period after sight and a comma after storm. See what you and others think. Nice edit.

[alatos]

I think I've nailed it on this last edit. It really sounds just how I wanted it to.

-Stormfront-

From the distant crease where waves meet skies,
great shadowed, phantom mountains rise.
Grey, smoky roots stretch out their veins
in tendrilled clouds that bring the rains.

Pale summits are crowned with runaway light,
the last memory of a sun lost to sight
behind the thick veil of this oncoming storm:
thunderous beast of impermanent form.

Dark passions push on, rushing over the sea.
Electricity rages as water pours free.
Swift darkness surrounds, my last hopes disappear:
waves jump and cap white as they scatter in fear.

Engulfed in black swells, I'm lost on my own.
Will fate have me die on this ocean, alone?

[Snowbells]

Hi there;
good stuff going on in your attempt. Personally, I like to see sonnets written in iambic or trochaic pentameter in the Shakespearean abab form, with the concluding couplet. Even in your revision, I still see an irregular beat. And, I may be wrong, but even writers of contemporary sonnets would, generally, place the beat or accent on strong syllables.
Interesting that you have based this sonnet on personal experience. That's always helpful in writing a poem, rather than inventing a "desk-poem."
Take care, J.