Simple Hiking Trip

[Bunx]

EDIT 2
Simply simplified goes like this.
Wishfully blissful against the wind.
Pushing down the pedal
whilst rolling up your window.

Peacefully purposeful
goes a work filled day.
Smiling at every laugh
about the fray.

Stone stepping about water
you hear the thunder
approaching from the west.
You will test, the smiles worn-out.

Looking, walking, seeing where
destination once was.
Turning around mindfully aware
of mental boulders in your way.

Thoughtfully mindful of the rain.
Cold won't drive us away
from the top of the main
road of the grassy mountain.


Original

Simple simplified goes like this.
Wishfully blissful against the wind.
Pushing down the pedal
whilst rolling up your window.

Peacefully purposeful
goes a work filled day.
Smiling at every laugh
about the fray.

Stone stepping about water
you hear the thunder
approaching from the west.
You will test, the smiles worn-out.

Look about, seen where
destination once lay.
Turning around mindfully aware
of mental bricks in your way.

Feeling, I just touched rain.
Cold won't drive us away
from the top of the main
road of the grassy mountain.

[cidermaid]

Hi Bunx,
There was plenty to like in this poem. You made a great start in terms of a pattern of the first line alliteration, which I quite enjoyed...but...somehow you lost or forgot the original plan and by the fouth stanza you are working on a different poem. (That now has a structure of alternate end rhymes...briefly practiced in the 2nd / 4th lines of the 3rd stanza) Consistancy is def an issue.

I thought the subject was a good one and some of the images used were simple and uncluttered which suited the title. Just the issue of consistancy but other wise a nice effort.

Thanks for the read AJ.

[Bunx]

cider, thanks for the feedback, I was having trouble with the forth stanza and conveying that moment of indecision, i think i may do an edit and see if i can re-word that fourth stanza.

[Bunx]

cider, i'll also went with the alliteration for every stanza

[cidermaid]

Hi Bunx,

Sorry but your edit has not really done anything to improve the poem. I think it might have got worse in fact as now you have butchered the grammar whilst making your changes.
The promised "went with the alliteration for every stanza" is just not there.

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you on this one, if I am honest it is because your approach to writing / editing is somewhat frustrating to sit in on. I notice a repeating pattern of behaviour and I'm wondering what you want to get out of the site and from posting your poems. Please take or leave the following comments as you like. I am not trying to be snippy or in anyway detract from your pleasure of writing. But would genuinly like to try and understand where you are comming from and try to help if I can with some advise.

If I go back to this poem for my example.
I found a lot to like by way of promise and ideas in your original. As this was in the misc I only offered a couple of thoughts for you to take or leave. You come back with a edit - great...and told me you had gone with the suggestions (to make the two halves of the poem match) and added in further alliteration. When I read your edit I am left with a couple of conclusions. Either you did not understand my offered referance to alliteration. You are making fun of the offered advise by referancing it when it has been rejected, or (and i am thinking this is the most likely from looking at your other posts and replies) you are in such a tearing hurry all the time that you never really stop and take in any of the details either of what you are writing or what others are offering by way of advise.

Here is my two penny worth of advise. JMHO take it or leave it.

Slow down Man!
I see that Billy is working with you in the mentoring sections on a poem.
My advise would be to take some time out from all of these other postings that you are doing similtaniously and really try to focus on working on just one poem at a time.
It is an amazing opportunity to be offered the time and experiance of another poet and Billy is generous to a fault with his time and commitment to helping other poets. Make the most of it.
Give Billy the respect he deserves and do yourself a favour at the same time, (If you really want to improve your poetry)... Slow down, listen to the advise, ask questions if you don't get it.

All the best AJ.

[QuietAstronomer]

Enjoyed both versions.
Flow and meter made for an easy pleasant read.
Personally resonate more with the original. The opening line of the last stanza holds more impact for me. But that's just me - an old fool.
I enjoy both ways.
Two snaps!!

[Bunx]

cider, well i can tell you im not trying to "making fun of the offered advise". honestly i like poetry. i like writing about a poem a day to focus on something that happened yesterday.
i just have too much time on my hands. ill try and focus on fixing what i already have to make sure what i post makes sense. I am trying to improve but there is only so much i can do on a website. anyways, sorry that my edit was enough warrant a slow down response. as far as what i get from the site,
it give me structure and gives me something to focus on improving.

[cidermaid]

HI Bunx,
My apologies if my notes came across as sharp or overly personal. I was just trying to offer what I thought might actually help you. I can see that you get excited about writing the poetry and generally being on the site and I think this is great. Just was trying to get you to dig a little deeper in what you unearth on the site and esp. from an opportunity with someone like Billy, as you seamed to be dashing from one thing to another. Did not mean it as a crit as such. Sorry if my comments caused any offence. AJ.

[Bunx]

cider! yea the last comment was hard to really take in at once. but i get what you are saying. i am a pretty scatter brained individual, ido the same thing with music too haha. but anyways thanks for the comment now your previous one makes alot of sense