Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
I breathe to live; though each hauled hookah breath,
bubbles through tenacious tears of salted, slimy death.
Hear me suck cold setting air through crackling, crumpled caves
in expectorating exorcism, rib-rattling heaving waves.
Inspired by addiction to the slow and breathless prose,
words are better spoken softly than on paper pruinose
with flecks of ash and spittle – my trademark lithograph –
uncopied in my lifetime, though a fitting epitaph.
Tectak
( Inspired by a contributor who was inspired by his addiction! You know who you are. I am a non-smoker but I do steam occasionally)
2013
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(08-28-2013, 08:44 PM)tectak Wrote: I breathe to live through each hauled hookah breath, do you need breathe you also tell us about a breath
bubbling through tenacious tears of salted, slimy death. slimy makes it sound odd because of the double aliteration, I have nothing else to offer, sorry
Hear me pull cold setting air through crackling, crumpled caves; pull or draw ? really like cold setting air
in expectorating exorcism, rib-rattling heaving waves. grose image but I like it
Inspired by addiction to the slow and breathless prose,
words are better spoken softly than on paper pruinose
with flecks of ash and spittle – my trademark lithograph – fav line uncopied in my lifetime, though a fitting epitaph. solid end
Tectak
( Inspired by a contributor who was inspired by his addiction! You know who you are. I am a non-smoker but I do steam occasionally)
2013
Hi tectac,
I concur with the voices condition (coughing, eyes running, spluttering sputum etc) and sentiment and you have some very visual lines at work here, the use of alliteration appears too heavy at times without always being necessary. Hope this helps Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-29-2013, 02:40 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: (08-28-2013, 08:44 PM)tectak Wrote: I breathe to live through each hauled hookah breath, do you need breathe you also tell us about a breath
bubbling through tenacious tears of salted, slimy death. slimy makes it sound odd because of the double aliteration, I have nothing else to offer, sorry
Hear me pull cold setting air through crackling, crumpled caves; pull or draw ? really like cold setting air
in expectorating exorcism, rib-rattling heaving waves. grose image but I like it
Inspired by addiction to the slow and breathless prose,
words are better spoken softly than on paper pruinose
with flecks of ash and spittle – my trademark lithograph – fav line uncopied in my lifetime, though a fitting epitaph. solid end
Tectak
( Inspired by a contributor who was inspired by his addiction! You know who you are. I am a non-smoker but I do steam occasionally)
2013
Hi tectac,
I concur with the voices condition (coughing, eyes running, spluttering sputum etc) and sentiment and you have some very visual lines at work here, the use of alliteration appears too heavy at times without always being necessary. Hope this helps Keith Hi tomh,
Should have stuck it in fun, really. Written straight off with no changes after reading crit comment on "Lung Darts". Hysterical. Inspired by inspired by addiction! It's a use once and throw away effort. 
Best,
tectak
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(08-29-2013, 03:54 AM)tectak Wrote: (08-29-2013, 02:40 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: (08-28-2013, 08:44 PM)tectak Wrote: I breathe to live through each hauled hookah breath, do you need breathe you also tell us about a breath
bubbling through tenacious tears of salted, slimy death. slimy makes it sound odd because of the double aliteration, I have nothing else to offer, sorry
Hear me pull cold setting air through crackling, crumpled caves; pull or draw ? really like cold setting air
in expectorating exorcism, rib-rattling heaving waves. grose image but I like it
Inspired by addiction to the slow and breathless prose,
words are better spoken softly than on paper pruinose
with flecks of ash and spittle – my trademark lithograph – fav line uncopied in my lifetime, though a fitting epitaph. solid end
Tectak
( Inspired by a contributor who was inspired by his addiction! You know who you are. I am a non-smoker but I do steam occasionally)
2013
Hi tectac,
I concur with the voices condition (coughing, eyes running, spluttering sputum etc) and sentiment and you have some very visual lines at work here, the use of alliteration appears too heavy at times without always being necessary. Hope this helps Keith Hi tomh,
Should have stuck it in fun, really. Written straight off with no changes after reading crit comment on "Lung Darts". Hysterical. Inspired by inspired by addiction! It's a use once and throw away effort.
Best,
tectak
Fairy Nuff
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 378
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
(08-28-2013, 08:44 PM)tectak Wrote: I breathe to live; though each hauled hookah breath,
bubbles through tenacious tears of salted, slimy death.
Hear me suck cold setting air through crackling, crumpled caves
in expectorating exorcism, rib-rattling heaving waves.
Inspired by addiction to the slow and breathless prose,
words are better spoken softly than on paper pruinose
with flecks of ash and spittle – my trademark lithograph –
uncopied in my lifetime, though a fitting epitaph.
Tectak
( Inspired by a contributor who was inspired by his addiction! You know who you are. I am a non-smoker but I do steam occasionally)
2013
Not bad 
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