Spoken word/slam poetry

[Ashleyramos1]

I have been writing for quite some time. Recently I have begun tapping into the performance aspect and I would love some feedback!

This is the YouTube link and I will also post the actual poem.

http://youtu.be/d-rJN73H_Kw

Please watch and leave a comment.

Things ill never say-

My heart beats so fast the rhythm forms words. They creep up my throat and sit in my mouth. I swallow them down. Your eyes looked different today. They were swirled with a sweet sadness. I know it wasn't for me. I know it will never be for me. I remind myself. Swallow. Stop. Don't. The words begin to burn a hole in my chest. I remind myself. Leave. I went as fast as I could as I imagined myself telling you unimaginable things. On my way home a stranger bumped into me on the street. I whipped my head around as fast as I could. I yelled at him " did you know when you smile you clench your jaw? It's almost as of you're afraid that your smile won't last long. And all I want to do is to pin it to your face so on days when it's gone I can take a picture in my head just so when I go home at night I can relive it again. Because when it's there everything falls into place and when it's there my head comes back from outer space and it sits still in my mind and replays all the words you've ever said. Like that Wednesday you called me "perfect". That Tuesday you said that I was "worth it". That Monday you just couldn't "make it". That Friday you said.... I was your best friend. That Sunday you pulled me aside and whispered in my ear "I think I love her. I think she's it for me....". He looked at me like I was crazy and ran the other way. I'm just glad it was him- and not you- who heard all those words ill never say.

[Xenophon]

I really like the rhythms of this piece. I haven't had chance to watch the video footage yet, but looking forward to seeing if your performance follows the same rhythms as in my head!

[Ashleyramos1]

I really like the rhythms of this piece. I haven't had chance to watch the video footage yet, but looking forward to seeing if your performance follows the same rhythms as in my head!

Thanks! Let me know when you watch it! The rhythm definitely makes more sense as its being spoken rather than read.

[Ashleyramos1]

I would love some more feedback!

[milo]

I would love some more feedback!

maybe try offering feedback to others, it is the best way to get some.

[billy]

give feedback elsewhere :J:

i listened to the poem and thought you did a great reading, you made the poem sound a lot better than it reads. at present, i'm not sure the block text does you any favours. write it how you read it. let the reader pause where you pause.

I have been writing for quite some time. Recently I have begun tapping into the performance aspect and I would love some feedback!

This is the YouTube link and I will also post the actual poem.

http://youtu.be/d-rJN73H_Kw

Please watch and leave a comment.

Things ill never say-

My heart beats so fast the rhythm forms words. They creep up my throat and sit in my mouth. I swallow them down. Your eyes looked different today. They were swirled with a sweet sadness. I know it wasn't for me. I know it will never be for me. I remind myself. Swallow. Stop. Don't. The words begin to burn a hole in my chest. I remind myself. Leave. I went as fast as I could as I imagined myself telling you unimaginable things. On my way home a stranger bumped into me on the street. I whipped my head around as fast as I could. I yelled at him " did you know when you smile you clench your jaw? It's almost as of you're afraid that your smile won't last long. And all I want to do is to pin it to your face so on days when it's gone I can take a picture in my head just so when I go home at night I can relive it again. Because when it's there everything falls into place and when it's there my head comes back from outer space and it sits still in my mind and replays all the words you've ever said. Like that Wednesday you called me "perfect". That Tuesday you said that I was "worth it". That Monday you just couldn't "make it". That Friday you said.... I was your best friend. That Sunday you pulled me aside and whispered in my ear "I think I love her. I think she's it for me....". He looked at me like I was crazy and ran the other way. I'm just glad it was him- and not you- who heard all those words ill never say.

[Todd]

Hi Ashley,

I listened to your video, and I like this as a spoken word piece. The halting delivery worked quite well for you.

There are some elements however that do not translate well to the written word. It's a sad fact that there are spoken pieces that can be successful that fail when written. The trick I think is to be ruthless with the work. If it's written better it will read better. Delivery can weak piece seem strong, but a strong piece will always have a better outcome. Some comments below (for the writing):

I have been writing for quite some time. Recently I have begun tapping into the performance aspect and I would love some feedback!

This is the YouTube link and I will also post the actual poem.

http://youtu.be/d-rJN73H_Kw

Please watch and leave a comment.

Things ill never say---Good title. Minor typo: I'll. You will want to break this up in strophes (free verse stanzas) that start with a different thing the narrator will never say.

My heart beats so fast the rhythm forms words.--This isn't something you would never say so it's not the right opening line to serve the title. Let's look at it though: The rhythm would not form words, maybe Morse Code that spells out a message. You need to stay consistent with your imagery. You could easily make them words by leading the next line with something like "Words I refuse to translate, or some such thing They creep up my throat and to sit in my mouth. I swallow them down.--Build on the image. What do they taste like Your eyes looked different today.--New subject again not something you would never say. Need a strophe break and a lead in then move on to the line you had They--More precise "Their colors" also what were those colors what image do they remind you of? were swirled with a sweet sadness--this is an abstraction. It doesn't say anything with a concrete image. Think of an image to describe the specific type of sadness. I know it--too vague wasn't for me. I know it will never be for me. I remind myself. Swallow. Stop. Don't. The words begin to burn a hole in my chest.--I like this, but think about how you can take it further I remind myself.--Don't need this statement Leave.--or this I went as fast as I could as--Or this, starting with I imagined would be fine, however again lead with another thing you won't say and then transition to it I imagined myself telling you unimaginable things.--That sounds sort of cool. It's interesting phrasing. Now though you have to build the tension and flirt with telling these things to the reader On my way home a stranger bumped into me on the street.--condense this I whipped my head around as fast as I could--good place for an image to suggest the movement rather than simply telling us. I yelled at him " did you know when you smile you clench your jaw? It's almost as of you're afraid that your smile won't last long.--This is a very nice sequence. You could also put some hints in earlier that the narrator has the same issue, be subtle. Just a thought And all I want to do is to pin it to your face so on days when it's gone I can take a picture in my head just so when I go home at night I can relive it again.--condense this sequence Because when it's there everything falls into place and when it's there my head comes back from outer space and it sits still in my mind and replays all the words you've ever said. Like that Wednesday you called me "perfect". That Tuesday you said that I was "worth it". That Monday you just couldn't "make it". That Friday you said.... I was your best friend. That Sunday you pulled me aside and whispered in my ear "I think I love her. I think she's it for me....".--tighten this up. Make it halting use more imagery, eliminate the days--they aren't important what is said and unsaid is important. Keep the days out of it and focus on what he said He--pronoun isn't helping. Give the stranger something distinctive so that you can refer back, naming him after his type of smile perhaps looked at me like I was crazy--imagery not crazy show it with a picture and ran the other way. I'm just glad it was him- and not you- who heard all those words ill never say.--Not a bad place to end

It has potential. It needs more imagery. These are just opinions and thoughts to consider. I hope they are helpful.

Best,

Todd