Senryu (August 28, 2013) (Edit)

[Volaticus]

Edit

frailty
eclipsed
time fleets


Original

perpetual sundial
penumbra
ephemeral being

[billy]

it's to contrived for me louise.
it does work though.

[Volaticus]

Thanks for your response billy.
I completely follow what you're saying about it being too contrived. I'll tinker with the idea some more and see if I can make it sound more.. natural.
My best.

[Volaticus]

Edit up.

[billy]

Edit

frailty
eclipsed
time fleets


Original

perpetual sundial
penumbra
ephemeral being

i'm still not getting it.

this isn't the poem but what i'm seeing it as (it's not a rewrite )

frailty
eclipsed
time fleets

age
death
time passes.

i'm not sure if that right and with such a short form i should really be more sure.

[Volaticus]

You're just about spot on with your interpretation.
I'll put this one on hold for a while and then take a look at the idea with fresh eyes.
Thanks for your feedback, as always appreciated.

[Graystar]

Hi Louise,

I've been reading some of your three line pieces and find them thought provoking.

Edit

frailty
eclipsed
time fleets



My brain wants to change fleets to flees


Original

perpetual sundial
penumbra
ephemeral being

i'm still not getting it.

this isn't the poem but what i'm seeing it as (it's not a rewrite )

frailty
eclipsed
time fleets

age
death
time passes.


Here my brain says
time
ages
past death


Making me ponder and putting a smile on my mouth and a frown on my forehead, joy and concentration. I'm so glad I found this forum!
Thank you,
Graystar
i'm not sure if that right and with such a short form i should really be more sure.