Tin Woodman

[my_pigpen_account]

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust.

My mom had cast a spell on him,
for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile."

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up
and starting over."
But the point was lost on him,
there was nothing for it to sink into.

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,
and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings
and went to Missouri to find a new heart.

I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it?

[billy]

hi pigpen, great that you left feedback elsewhere,

my one main point is some of the excess words. are they really needed?
suggestion would be to put a line space between he said/i said and the two quoted parts.
i think by making the character submissive, (in that he'd do anything for love, his love) you captured the essence of the tin man.
really good read with a few niggles.

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust. strong start, what i really like about it is the tear, it could also be tear as in rent

My mom had cast a spell on him, no need for [My]
for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile." no need for [because]

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up no need for [like]
and starting over."
But the point was lost on him, no need for 'but'
there was nothing for it to sink into. this line say a lot and makes the stanza work well

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,
and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings no need for [and]
and went to Missouri to find a new heart.

I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it?

[Snags]

I (mostly) agree with Billy. A good read, and some strong images and themes that build on the cultural references nicely.

I think you could make a case for keeping "My mom": the flow is better without, but the "My" removes a potential ambiguity (your mom, his mom?). OK, from the rest of the piece context can be inferred, so ... could call it either way.

Stanza's 3 & 4 come a little out of nowhere. They have strength, but we've gone from Tin Man & mom to Tin Man and narrator with no movement. It threw me on first read; he loves her so much he changes completely, then hurls vicious criticism at her ... no, wait, it's a different person, aaahh.

I'm half surprised Billy didn't bang on about cliché as there are quite a few in there, but nicely executed so they don't actually spoil the overall piece.

[Erthona]

Clever poem, and nice usage of "Tinman" as metaphor for an updated Milquetoast. Generally speaking the poem works well as is, but could be tightened up in places making the reading easier. Example:

"My mom had cast a spell on him,
for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two."
---------------------
My mom had cast a spell on him:

for her he chopped off
his legs
his arms
his head
then split his torso in two.

Still, I have little to complain about here.

Dale

[ScurryFunger]

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust.

My mom had cast a spell on him,
for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile."

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up
and starting over."
But the point was lost on him,
there was nothing for it to sink into.

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,
and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings
and went to Missouri to find a new heart.

I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it?

Are you a goth that your step father disproves of?

every christmas without fail, it's that damn wizard of oz film, cold hands, warm heart.

(my hands are warm)

[allykat727]

Interesting read!!

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust. very creative, drew me into the piece immediately

My mom had cast a spell on him,
for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two. I noticed Dale's critique on this stanza and agree with his revisions.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile." I love how blunt this is. I can sense the character of the person speaking.

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up
and starting over." I love it! What an unconventional way to describe a person, and yet, very creative
But the point was lost on him,
there was nothing for it to sink into.

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,
and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings
and went to Missouri to find a new heart.

I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it? I think you can do more with this stanza. I like all of the ideas there, ripping your own heart out, staying frozen, not having a use for your heart. I would have liked to see some more imagery and creativity as this is the crux of the meaning that the piece holds.

Thanks! Good work

[milo]

I like the concept here, but I feel there are definitley places you could tighten it up.

His heart wasn't a quick fix
every tear turned him closer to rust.

starting here. I think what you want to say is "having a heart" or "getting a heart" or "receiving a heart". What is "quick fix" supposed to mean? Tears turning him into rust is inefficient. How about every tear rusts him, or better yes, something like "every tears rusts tracks along his cheeks" or something like that.

My mom had cast a spell on him,

don't need "had"

for her he chopped off his legs
his arms
his head
and split his torso in two.

this is inverted syntax, "for her" should go at the end of the statement.

He said "you're too skinny, and your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and I think you scare people,
because you look them in the eye and you don't smile."

this whole section is awkward and wordy. Maybe something like:

"You are too skinny," he said,
"your face is like paper,
you look like you're dead
and you scare people because you don't smile
when you look them in the eye"

or something along those lines. Also, I think the issue of address should be handled, it is confusing who he is speaking to here.

I said "at least I still have my self,
you're like an etch-a-sketch, always shaking yourself up
and starting over."
But the point was lost on him,
there was nothing for it to sink into.

same here, this dialogue should be smoothed over

Then one day, he lost his oil can and froze for a year,

don't need "then"

and when he was free, he threw away his job, his family, his savings

drop "and" capitalize "When" also, it seems un likely that the frozen head of a tin man still had a job, family and marriage after a year, but I guess no point in pointing that out.

and went to Missouri to find a new heart.



I could have told him it was a mistake.
He should rip it out
he should have stayed frozen.
What good is a heart
when you don't know what to do with it?

maybe "he should rip it out
or just stay frozen"

I like the concept.

Good luck with the revisions.