As The Floor Disappears

[Larissa]

Creating an obstacle course,
Try to find solid ground,
To place my feet down,
And leave nothing broken.
A sea of discarded ideas,
Wading through a lack of time,
I see my stress surround me,
As the floor disappears.

[rowens]

A sea of discarded ideas,
That makes sense. It's full of Pig's Arse sense, which I admire. But what else is there?

This poem is easy to write. It has some good things going on, but they feel like things that just so often happen. For some of us it's more often. Every day often.

You have a poetic mind, but that's all there is in this poem.

Wading through a lack of time . . . . That's the motivation behind this poem. The poem gives the motivation but not the poem.

Maybe you have made better poems. This one fits somewhere between what better poems you may have made. But not much in this one.

[my_pigpen_account]

Creating an obstacle course, (I would like a more visceral image of the obstacle course, there is so much you can do with this. You could be tripping over objects that symbolize the meaning in the poem. I know it has serious potential. I'm interested in finding out what of potential.

Try to find solid ground,
To place my feet down,
I would eliminate the word down for no other reason than it serves no function except rhyme and the rhyme doesn't do anything for this particular line. It's descriptive, somewhat inconsequential. There is no reason to emphasize it.

And leave nothing broken.
I found this line interested because it made me think of walking on eggshells. I don't know if that's what this poem is about. I think you need to choose a direction and fully commit to it.

A sea of discarded ideas,
Wading through a lack of time,
This line initially takes me in a different direction, that the world moves to fast and you don't have the time for your ideas to flourish. Again, it could be an abusive relationship where all of your ideas are discarded by an abuser, this is where I would like to see more direction in terms of meaning.

I see my stress surround me,
As the floor disappears.
I like this idea but I would like to see what the stress looks like. Turn it into something tangible and experiential. What are you falling into when the floor disappears. I think this poem is going to be great when you are finished with it. It's short and simple which is a great start I would like to see more tangible symbolism.

[Larissa]

Creating an obstacle course, (I would like a more visceral image of the obstacle course, there is so much you can do with this. You could be tripping over objects that symbolize the meaning in the poem. I know it has serious potential. I'm interested in finding out what of potential.

Try to find solid ground,
To place my feet down,
I would eliminate the word down for no other reason than it serves no function except rhyme and the rhyme doesn't do anything for this particular line. It's descriptive, somewhat inconsequential. There is no reason to emphasize it.

And leave nothing broken.
I found this line interested because it made me think of walking on eggshells. I don't know if that's what this poem is about. I think you need to choose a direction and fully commit to it.

A sea of discarded ideas,
Wading through a lack of time,
This line initially takes me in a different direction, that the world moves to fast and you don't have the time for your ideas to flourish. Again, it could be an abusive relationship where all of your ideas are discarded by an abuser, this is where I would like to see more direction in terms of meaning.

I see my stress surround me,
As the floor disappears.
I like this idea but I would like to see what the stress looks like. Turn it into something tangible and experiential. What are you falling into when the floor disappears. I think this poem is going to be great when you are finished with it. It's short and simple which is a great start I would like to see more tangible symbolism.

Thanks, this is good feedback. Has definitely sparked ideas for an edit.

[whatispoetry?]

While there are some good lines, like "Wading through a lack of time," I think this poem is too abstract. The first six lines could serve as a good beginning but it suddenly ends without any real satisfaction for the reader. I like how the floor disappears when the speaker "sees" stress surround him, suggesting impotence and L1 could also suggest that the speaker is creating these obstacles for himself. But I think there ultimately needs more to grab onto. Hopefully I'm not being too vague. I think this poem has good potential.