a TOTALLY OBSCURE poem about missing a son (only joking about the obscure part :)

[fim]

Slivers of Time

In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far …

and wide in inexplicable directions,
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique
only to return in that fraction of a second
to the present (until my next retreat).

Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time,
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind.

A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence,
before an absence was suspected or discerned.

But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight

I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy;
competitor who swam in lane 2.
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle
each day I spend many moments with you.

[Larissa]

Hi

I think the ellipses (...) is unnecessary after the first stanza, it made me make an awkward pause in reading. The line break is enough alone.
Also the brackets around "until my next retreat" seem unnecessary too. A comma to separate the clauses would be enough.
And finally I might like to hear more about the son. He is obviously what the poem is all about so it would be nice as a reader to have him in mind for more of the poem.

I really like the lines "that I slipped away then returned/ between two words in a sentence,"

[ChristopherSea]

Hey fim, I like the intentions herein and the mix of slant and true rhymes! It seems that the first 5 stanzas are about you though and try to set up the final one, but that may fall short of expressing your love for your son. Perhaps another stanza would help reinforce that.

In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far … (delete ‘... ‘) I like the long line/short line meter...

and wide in inexplicable directions, ...but then the meter changes
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique 'imperceptible' and 'oblique' may be redundant
only to return in that fraction of a second ‘second’ used again
to the present (until my next retreat). Remove parenthesis

Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim too long, ‘Vanishing on the whim of a restless brain’
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time, ‘but’ is not needed
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind. 'that there was a vacancy in my mind'?

A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence, I like this!
before an absence was suspected or discerned. The two choices again

But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price I like ‘curries’
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight you don’t need 'such'

I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy; Sweet!
competitor who swam in lane 2. too impersonal
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle you don’t need ‘even’
each day I spend many moments with you. Seems incomplete, maybe another stanza

I hope this helps you in the second edit
Cheers/Chris

[btrudo]

Slivers of Time
I'm not so sure I'm crazy about using slivers, but I'm not so sure that something else would be better

In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far …
The times are good, but I'm not so sure about the progression, but it doesn't probably matter much. Drop the ... and the last line is fine.

and wide in inexplicable directions,
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique
only to return in that fraction of a second
to the present (until my next retreat).

Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time,
not sure about far-off destinations
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind.

A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence,
before an absence was suspected or discerned.

But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight

I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy;
competitor who swam in lane 2.
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle
each day I spend many moments with you.
The semi-colon throws me. Is the son the swimmer? The basic concept of the poem is really good. It's also good timing to introduce the son in the final stanza; it adds poignancy because he wasn't mentioned earlier.

Could some of the lines be improved? Probably.

No matter what you do, you have something here.

[fim]

Hey fim, I like the intentions herein and the mix of slant and true rhymes! It seems that the first 5 stanzas are about you though and try to set up the final one, but that may fall short of expressing your love for your son. Perhaps another stanza would help reinforce that.

In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far … (delete ‘... ‘) I like the long line/short line meter...

and wide in inexplicable directions, ...but then the meter changes
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique 'imperceptible' and 'oblique' may be redundant
only to return in that fraction of a second ‘second’ used again
to the present (until my next retreat). Remove parenthesis

Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim too long, ‘Vanishing on the whim of a restless brain’
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time, ‘but’ is not needed
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind. 'that there was a vacancy in my mind'?

A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence, I like this!
before an absence was suspected or discerned. The two choices again

But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price I like ‘curries’
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight you don’t need 'such'

I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy; Sweet!
competitor who swam in lane 2. too impersonal
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle you don’t need ‘even’
each day I spend many moments with you. Seems incomplete, maybe another stanza

I hope this helps you in the second edit
Cheers/Chris

---

Chris,
Thank you for the read and the spot-on critique. I try to post poems that I have crafted to the best of my ability, but when I read your suggestions almost everyone had me thinking, why didn't I do that?
fim

---

Hi

I think the ellipses (...) is unnecessary after the first stanza, it made me make an awkward pause in reading. The line break is enough alone.
Also the brackets around "until my next retreat" seem unnecessary too. A comma to separate the clauses would be enough.
And finally I might like to hear more about the son. He is obviously what the poem is all about so it would be nice as a reader to have him in mind for more of the poem.

I really like the lines "that I slipped away then returned/ between two words in a sentence,"

Thanks Larissa,
I appreciate the read and the recommendations!
fim

---

Slivers of Time
I'm not so sure I'm crazy about using slivers, but I'm not so sure that something else would be better

In just half the time it takes to blink
or glance at a shooting star,
in the instant between one second and the next
my mind can wander far …
The times are good, but I'm not so sure about the progression, but it doesn't probably matter much. Drop the ... and the last line is fine.

and wide in inexplicable directions,
for reasons often imperceptible or oblique
only to return in that fraction of a second
to the present (until my next retreat).

Vanishing on the notion of a restless brain’s whim
to far-off destinations in but a sliver of time,
not sure about far-off destinations
then back before it is evident
there occurred a vacancy of my mind.

A spontaneous smile might be a tell-tale sign
that I slipped away then returned
between two words in a sentence,
before an absence was suspected or discerned.

But as age becomes a credential
that curries favor of privilege or price
I seem to linger and stretch the slivers
because the excursions engender such delight

I miss you my son, my Daddy’s Boy;
competitor who swam in lane 2.
So much so that even amidst life’s unending bustle
each day I spend many moments with you.
The semi-colon throws me. Is the son the swimmer? The basic concept of the poem is really good. It's also good timing to introduce the son in the final stanza; it adds poignancy because he wasn't mentioned earlier.

Could some of the lines be improved? Probably.

No matter what you do, you have something here.

---

Thanks Btrudo,
I will work on it some more. Appreciate the read and the critique.
fim