The first of nine orders (Angel) edit 1

[Keith]

Edit 1
I move between moments,
follow thoughts that stalk your day,
check each card the dealer flicks,
keeper of your scattered deck.

Idea’s drift through static,
taking essence from my trace,
silver streamed inside a dream
to stroke your sleeping senses.

I come to rustle flower beds,
drum out the sleepless nights,
float melancholy on rippled silk,
displace a shadows shifting place.

Then unravel while needs divest,
as morning song returns to nest,
my presence folds diminished
past within a whisper’s wisp.


Original
I move as fluid no mass or breath,
Just an idea of me that feels you,
your thoughts, dreams and sadness
flicker like cards scattered from a deck.

Your memories crackle as static,
peeling threads from my essence,
that drift preserved by a cold breeze
to scent an unknown sense with me.

It rustles through flower beds,
twists inside a sleepless night,
pushes melancholy into rooms,
bends a tea light with laughter.

I unravel as you grow strong,
your song returns to nest,
my presence now complete,
wrapped warm in a whispers whisper.

[Volaticus]

I move as fluid no mass or breath, I wonder if a comma after 'fluid' would make it read a little better?
Just an idea of me that feels you, Is it a typo with the capitalized J?
your thoughts, dreams and sadness
flicker like cards scattered from a deck. I like this image.

Your memories crackle as static,
peeling threads from my essence, Maybe another word than 'threads'? I felt it didn't fit in as well as it could, between words like 'peeling' and 'preserved'.
that drift preserved by a cold breeze I'm not sure why, but I stumbled a bit in this line and the next.
to scent an unknown sense with me.

It rustles through flower beds,
twists inside a sleepless night,
pushes melancholy into rooms,
bends a tea light with laughter.

I unravel as you grow strong,
your song returns to nest,
my presence now complete,
wrapped warm in a whispers whisper. I like the alliteration. Should it be "whisper's"?

Hi,
I think there's a lot to like in this poem, you have some good images, alliterations and 'almost-alliterations' that makes most of it pleasant to read out loud. I've left a few notes that you can discard or use as you want. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Louise

[Keith]

I move as fluid no mass or breath, I wonder if a comma after 'fluid' would make it read a little better?
Just an idea of me that feels you, Is it a typo with the capitalized J?
your thoughts, dreams and sadness
flicker like cards scattered from a deck. I like this image.

Your memories crackle as static,
peeling threads from my essence, Maybe another word than 'threads'? I felt it didn't fit in as well as it could, between words like 'peeling' and 'preserved'.
that drift preserved by a cold breeze I'm not sure why, but I stumbled a bit in this line and the next.
to scent an unknown sense with me.

It rustles through flower beds,
twists inside a sleepless night,
pushes melancholy into rooms,
bends a tea light with laughter.

I unravel as you grow strong,
your song returns to nest,
my presence now complete,
wrapped warm in a whispers whisper. I like the alliteration. Should it be "whisper's"?

Hi,
I think there's a lot to like in this poem, you have some good images, alliterations and 'almost-alliterations' that makes most of it pleasant to read out loud. I've left a few notes that you can discard or use as you want. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Louise

Many Thanks Louise, I have had a go with the edit and youtr comments have been very helpfull. Best Keith